Speaking of roller coasters!
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| Sat, 01-12-2008 - 3:53pm |
This has definitely been an up and down week with DD. She's been a bit moody, but I sort of have learned to let it slide by. So I was caught off guard when she came home Thursday night, went straight to her bedroom and didn't come out. I gave her a few minutes, and then got worried - I thought she might have been sick - so I went back to her bedroom and it was totally dark. I called her name, and she stuck her head out from under the covers. Now I was REALLY scared - she was laying in the dark, under her quilt, crying. I asked what was wrong, she said "can I talk to you?" - well, YEAH! of course!!
She started on an angry, crying tirade about her friends (I, K, and A) and how selfish and self-centered they are, they do dangerous things, they ignore Leah and Shelly (L's very sane and easygoing friend), etc etc. She says she "hates" them, that they bring out her worst personality, and she even said "I don't even know who I am anymore". This lasted 15-20 minutes but felt longer! I did ask *what* dangerous behavior, and she made me promise not to judge - they're engaging in some sexual stuff with guys, smoking cigarettes and some weed, drinking during the school day, and K has started doing cocaine. UGH. Leah (and Shelly to a lesser extent) feels she has to stay near them to "keep them safe", so we had a discussion about how she can't take that burden on herself. She feels so torn between her healthy balanced friends and these three who have been her BFFs since 7th grade.
Friday was a day off of school, which was a good thing, and Leah chose to come to work with me rather than hanging out at home, with too much time to think about her friends. Today she seems to be a bit calmer. I feel so bad for her. It's not as easy as "pick new friends" - I know that. But she does have some really good friends. It's just that the "groups" are already pretty defined, it would be hard (impossible, by her description) to break into a new group.
She's gone from "I never want to hang with them again" to "I need to hang with them less" to "I'll tell them why they need to change". I don't know what the answer is, but I do know she's a great kid, a fantastic friend, and way more loyal than these girls deserve.
I decided this morning, while in Temple for services, that every rollercoaster needs a concrete foundation to keep it steady in the long run. So, that's us, POTs - we're the concrete that keeps the roller coaster from flying off the track.
ETA - sorry this got so long! I guess I need you guys to absorb the craziness, so I can go back to being sane for DD


I'm sorry to hear Leah's good friends are making such terrible choices.
((Hugs)) to you and Leah, Sue. What a tough thing to deal with. But I am in awe of how your DD confides in you and how you don't completely fly off the handle like some people might. Sounds like you raised a fine girl w/ a great head on her shoulders. Don't apologize for venting here! That's what we're here for. Keep us posted!
ej
Hang in there Sue, you're so right that POTs have to be the concrete supporting the teen rollercoaster.
It's gotta be tough for L, but I admire her for not giving up on her friends from middle school who are now getting into dangerous stuff. When DS hung out with the wrong guys and did the wrong stuff his senior year, he had one guy friend (liked by all, clean-cut but not nerdy)who stuck by DS through it all. I honestly think he may have saved DS's life.
I wish this guy had told me about DS's drinking before he was nabbed by the school. Lots of parents will say I should've known, and I simply have to say it's not that easy to see--kids know how to hide it. I was not one who thought my kid was a saint who'd never experiment, and I paid attention to how he smelled and looked every night he came home.
Teenagers never want to tattle on their friends, but if there's any way L could anonymously get the message to their parents, I think she'd be doing her friends a big favor.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I was thinking along that line too. A family member's teen did something that was well, totally against the parents' wishes. It was a "biggie", not safe. It was a big lie. The parents of his friends knew about, his friends knew about it and they all knew that his parents had not given him permission. When the parents found out, they were very hurt that
no one thought enough of them to tell them.
Perhaps they can be some way that the parents or school officials can be made aware of the situation with no danger of the poster's daughter accused of "breaking the teen code of silence". Perhaps a quiet chat with their rabbi could help. He/she would have to keep the source of the information confidential.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
>>>When the parents found out, they were very hurt that no one thought enough of them to tell them.<<<
You know, I've thought about this alot. One problem is this is not a "neighborhood" school - the kids come from all over NYC, and I have very little contact with the parents. One mom, I've only met once, the others 2 or 3 times. There would be no way to tell the parents without breaking the trust that my DD has in me. Also, the parents have very different ideas about supervision than I do, are less involved, and less strict. They may know or suspect some of this, but may think it's inevitable (i.e., all teens experiment with alcohol and pot).
When L's friend "I" was cutting in 9th grade, I encouraged L to talk to a school counselor who might be able to talk to I; and we talked about L talking to the mom; but for me to call would be very hard.
Sue, mom to Leah and Seth
This is such a hard situation for a teen. Kelsie has been through it and had to give up a whole group of friends. There wasn't a single one that stuck with her. But she did have some other friends that didn't hang with that group and she just got closer to them and also found some new ones.
Maybe Leah will have to do that too. But it is so hard, when they are girls that have hugh together for a length of time. Kelsie's situation
We have zero tolerance here too but the school principal calls the parents first. They don't call the police. The school principal is also, in this country, under law not allow to provide personal information to a 3rd party. The type of behaviour this poster's daughter is talking about is covered. Kids will not be arrested nor will they be expelled or suspended.
Many parents don't want to know or they will not believe it if a another parent calls them up to advise them of what they know. Believe me, I have tried to be that friend. That is why I suggested the rabbi. He/she is trained to handle these types of situations with tact and compassion.
Moreover, the teen could very well find it too difficult to "tattle" on her peers. By confiding in a teacher/principal or a rabbi, they can have that chat with the parents. Or they could have a chat with the girls and urge them to tell their parents and/or help them talk to them.
The important point is that these girls get the help they need.
The point is, first and foremost, is that these girls get help they need.
"The type of behaviour this poster's daughter is talking about is covered. Kids will not be arrested nor will they be expelled or suspended."
The zero tolerance in your Canadian school would be called 'lots of tolerance' here. If zero tolerance meant the school informs the parents, and some sort of in-school suspension, I'd be all for it. My son's school handbook states that, for the FIRST offense for consuming any quantity, or having in one's posession an illegal substance on school property, these are the consequences:
1) Referral to the police
2) 10-day suspension*
3)Evidence in writing of an assmt from a licensed professional in the area of chemical or alcohol abuse trtmt
4)Upon return, student and guardian must meet with a couselor or behavioral interventionist who will document that the assmt has been completed and that the recommendations of that assesment are understood by the student and guardian. The reentry requirements will be documented on the suspension form.
5)Possible expulsion
*With verification of a drug screen, treatment plan in an approved program, evidence that treatment has commenced and a written release to speak with a contact in the program a student may return to school after 5 days.
2nd Offense:
1) Referral to police
2) 10 day suspension
3) Recommendation for expulsion from the school system
Sale or tranfer of illegal substance:
Same as 2nd offense.
The suspensions above are out-of-school suspensions. A kid who has a few sips of alcohol is suddenly turned into a hard-core criminal. Maybe this will help you understand why, at least in the U.S., I believe it's better to first inform the parents. I'd never read the handbook--only warned DS that he could be kicked off the soccer team, and thought that would be enough since I thought soccer meant a lot to him. Guess it didn't. Had someone told me he'd been attending sleepovers where there was alcohol, DH and I would have made sure it stopped; and the whole mess with the school would have been avoided.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM