How to talk to a boy
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| Wed, 01-16-2008 - 4:03pm |
My 16 y.o. DD has been going out with a 16 y.o. boy for about 3 months. Their relationship has always been kind of low-key...not as intense as her first boyfriend last year, who ended up dumping her out of the blue and breaking her heart. This boy pursued her for quite some time before she decided to go out with him, but she has been very happy with him for the past 3 months. I think the relationship is cooling off on his end, just based on bits and pieces of things she has told me. I think she's confused, but she doesn't see the handwriting on the wall. I really don't want her to get blindsided again. She is very sweet & pretty naive. She says she doesn't know how to ask him about what is going on. For example, he doesn't hold her hand in school like he used to, he barely talks to her when he sees her at lunch, last weekend, he didn't go bowling w/ her and their group of friends like he usually would have. Plus, he told her he'd be too "busy" to do much once midterms are over next week because he's a junior & will have to start thinking about colleges. (??)
Any advice on how she should talk to him about her concerns? She says she can't just come out and ask him "Why don't you hold my hand?" She says she feels stupid about doing that, and they never talk about things like that. I don't know what else to recommend. None of her gfs have boyfriends, so she says they won't know what to do either. Thanks.
ej

Well I guess I just have to use my own personal experience and that would be that rather than say "why don't you hold my hand anymore?" it should be more around the lines of "do you think we should still be together".
I know this is a tough situation to be in at her age. Kelsie has been there and the only time she broke up with her bf was when she knew he was going to break up with her. She didn't want to be dumped again.
I think if she says to him something like: "I noticed you seem a little different lately when we are together. Is there something wrong?" but she needs to be ready to hear either "No things are fine I just have a lot on my mind" or "What do you mean" which she has to be willing to say what she has noticed or "Yeah, I think we need to break up" Maybe you could discuss it with her and see what she would say to any of those things.
Good luck and let us know how she does.
Sounds like he is interested in other things right now
I agree she should ask using words like bookwormmom suggested. She needs to realize ahead, though, that she is opening it up for him to say "yea, that's exactly it-I want to see other girls". She can't assume reassurance that everything is okay; I'd say it's 70-30 he's lost interest
Or...she could just wait it out until he comes out with it!
I suspect I, as the mom, would be dropping hints, feeling it was my motherly duty or some such nonsense :(
As if that could somehow soften the blow........
There lies the dichotomy of love at age 16; The relationships tend to be short lived, but the feelings of hurt and disappointment are often no less intense.
Guys need the direct approach. Even more so at 16. As hard as it is, I'd suggest she make a direct statement followed by a question: "I've noticed you don't want to hang out as much anymore. Do you want to stop going out for awhile?" is a direct but softer approach. The statement is important. If she just asks if he doesn't want to go out, he'll get confused and think it's her idea.
"Why don't you hold my hand?" is too vague for a 16 yr old boy. If she beats around the bush, he won't "get it" and she'll just end up confused and frustrated.
OMG!!! A reply from Max himself!! I feel like I won the lottery! Please, Julie, thank Max for taking the time to address this. I think he gave a very valuable
Thanks so much to all of you! I love this board. You all gave me such great advice. I have a much better idea of how to guide my DD the
Just an update, FWIW. I passed along the advice I received from this board, but my DD still says she doesn't want to bring it up w/ the bf. So, she needs to make her own choices, but at least I feel that she won't be "blindsided" again this time. At least she's aware of the signals this kid is sending out and what it might mean. But as her mom, I want her to be the "dump-er" and not the "dump-ee" this time, because I don't want to see her go through that again!
ej
Hi EJ!
I just hate all the boy/girl stuff don't you?