Sneaking out and having sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sneaking out and having sex
3
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 9:04am
Recently my 13 year old daughter snuck out of the house(while sleeping in our bedroom) and proceeded to go to our pole barn and she had sex. I was noticing some signs of this because she walked a half a mile up a dirt road to go get the boys who were at the wrong house. She had flipo flops and white sweat pants on and i notcied the next morning when she took her clothes down for me to wash, they were all muddy. I asked her and she lied and said she was playing outside the other day and got them muddy. Supposibly she told this boy who is 14 to stop and that she did not want to have sex with him. We want to press charges for rape, but she only told him no once so is that still considered rape? She could have fougth back a lot more and I really to think that she wanted to do this with this boy. I know i may seem like a bad prent, but i just cannot control my daughter! Please give any advie!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 10:48am

First things first. Get your dd to a gyno and have her examined to make sure she is not pregnant and did not pick up any diseases or infection.


Next, find her a good therapist who specializes in young adolescent girls with self esteem issues as well as sexual promiscuity.


Not sure why she was sleeping in your bedroom, but you might consider having some window and door alarms installed - not as expensive as it sounds, there are many out there that are for each window, each door, rather than the entire house.


At 13 I don't see why she is even allowed out past dinner time unless it is for a parent chaperoned event or occasion, school event, etc.


Have you sat down with her and discussed this rationally and without tone so she understands that sex is not a taboo topic in the home? It should be made clear to her that you do not condone her hanging around with potentional bf's at her age, definitely should not be sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, and if she does have a bf, she needs to bring him home to meet her family and be in a supervised environment doing age appropriate activities such as watching movies, listening to music, playing games, etc. Running off to be alone with a boy is not a healthy thing for a girl her age.


You need to make it clear to her that there are certain home rules that apply and when they are broken, there are clear consequences.


You need to make it clear to her that throwing around accusations of rape is a very serious thing and that if she's saying she was raped just to keep herself out of trouble, that is wrong. She obviously has very poor judgement to be running out in the middle of the night to hand out with boys. It is obvious to US because we know that if you don't want to play with fire, you don't light matches (If she didn't want to get herself into a compromising situation with this boy, then she should not have met him in the middle of the night).


However, if the boy DID rape her or take advantage of her, then by all means start an investigation by getting the police involved. Whether she said no 10 times or once, the boy was wrong to pressure her and force her to do anything she didn't want to do, no matter the prior circumstances of her meeting in out in the middle of the night. Even if she was willing at the start but then changed her mind, he should have stopped.


Your dd is like a wrecking ball no longer attached to the chain. It is up to you to get help and seek out supportive resources for both her and YOU and the rest of the family. It sounds to me like she needs some counseling. Best of luck.

Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 12:59pm
I would be dragging her butt to a doctor, and then we all would be seeing a therapist!

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2008
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 5:56pm

Hi,


In response to your teen sneaking out and having sex. First of all, I'm not going to lecture you and make you feel like a bad mom. You're not or you wouldn't be asking for help.


I have a 17 year old daughter who has been having self esteem problems since 11 or 12. You're daughter is not by far to the extreme that my daughter went, but at 14 & again at 16 tried suicide. We spent countless months going to psychologists, spending time in in patient & out pt therapy.


I am a registered nurse and stayed home with my girls (I have 3 teens) until they were all in school (youngest one), so the older ones had me home until middle school. I homeschooled for a couple of years. they are active in church, 4H, we live on a small horse farm. I thought we had a good relationship and communicated with each other. I always taught them to be positive and to like themselves and encouraged them to do whatever it is they wanted (career wise). Anyway what I am saying is good parent/bad parent, tv, computer, whatever everyone can blame it on they're teens and some push things too far and others (like my daughter) have some psychological issues that were beyond my realm of help. After this second bout of attempted suicide and sleeping with a boy (which is what brought it on) she was doing well. One night my husband (must be psychic) woke up and went out to find her planning on having a boy over and having sex in the basement at 11:00 o'clock at night. I don't know how she was going to pull it off. Anyway, talk, talk, and talk even if it seems they're not listening. Support & love her. And definitely, as a nurse, I do agree with the other comments that a) she needs to see a gynecologist b) psychologist and c) determine if it is rape. Most girls are afraid to tell someone they're raped for fear of retaliation and persecution. My best friend in high school was raped and never told anyone about it until we were in our 20's. She was afraid people would say she just said that b/c she "didn't want to get in trouble." Listen and support your daughter. She needs you!!! Also, I found talking and being honest with the guidance counselor, teachers, & school nurse. You don't have to supply them with all the info, but to have another set of eyes to keep over your child while she is not under your roof is always good. You can tell them you're worried about her emotional health.


Hope it helps.. Good luck!!!