Mean Girl - Rant
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| Fri, 01-18-2008 - 11:01pm |
I don't know how I'm going to emotionally survive the teenage years. So far, most of the drama has surrounded my DD. Now, it has engulfed my almost 14 y.o. DS.
My DS is not a kid who make friends easily, at least not until recently. This past fall, he got into a group of friends from another school (they're in an extracurricular activity together). They are a nice group of kids, and they usually get together every week or so, taking turns at different kids' houses. It's a mixed group of about 5 or 6 girls and boys.
Well, I recently allowed my son to get a Facebook account to keep up w/ these friends & others. Somehow, he got himself mixed up in an argument w/ one of my DD's friends (who he also knows). It started out as something innocent, but my son didn't word things exactly right in their "Inbox" exchange. This girl, who is a HS freshman, took everything he said and twisted it into a personal attack on her. The more he kept trying to explain himself, the more she twisted things. I realized what was happening, and told him to stop the back and forth, and explained to him how easy it is to get bogged down in an online fight with someone via email, IMing, etc.
So this girl goes and sends a copy of the exchange to my son's other friends. There was nothing "wrong" with it, it's just the spin she puts on it.....but she has already gotten one or two of these friends mad at him, and he is afraid that she is going to go and purposely ruin his friendship with this group of friends. She isn't even one of this little group. I feel physically sick just thinking about it.
I'm so worried that he's going to lose these friends. Yes, I know, they can't be great "friends" if they'd let this stupid situation ruin their friendship. But they are 12 and 13 y.o. kids! None of them has the best judgment in the world. And I'm even more upset that anyone would be mean enough to do something like this on purpose. Yeah, maybe he isn't as smooth as he could be, but he has a good heart and he doesn't deserve this! What's worse is I'm afraid that if my DD stands up for her brother w/ this girl, she'll lose her friends too!
Why didn't anyone tell us parenting would involve this??
ej

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Hi..
Why didn't anyone tell us parenting would involve this??
Probably because the people we learned from, like our own parents, weren't involved in this...
It sounds like your DS is in one of the toughest situations, between a rock and a hard place, and he doesn't even know how he got there! There is no easy answer. He's not going to win. My kids have been in similar pickles, a combo of things being taken out of context, exagerated and then some minor bullying. I'd have them issue a very general apology to all concerned, online and off, keywords being IF they made anyone feel bad it was NOT
What I'd do is have your DS host the next event - have them come over to your house, bake something gooey and sweet, and let them talk it out/work it out. Maybe just being together and eating and being silly will help. Maybe they'll talk about the facebook thing, maybe (being 12/13) they'll let it go.
My DD always tells me that when she and her friends are in a rough patch, just being together more (bonding time) helps. If they don't see each other too much (in the same school, but all busy) then little things can blow out of proportion.
Sue, mom to Leah and Seth
I agree with Rose-there are boys-they think differently. If they are getting 'caught up in it', it's likely to tease your son. Boys razz each other when one gets a haircut! As soon as something else grabs their attention, this will fall by the wayside(well, unless one WANTS to get on the girls good side because of a crush)
So, yep, find something to grab their attention. A pizza and movie night or offer to take them bowling.
Thanks to all who have replied so far. Actually, it isn't as easy as just having him host the next event. The problem arose because he did host some friends over here last night, and that is what this girl was upset about. He wanted to invite his little group of friends over, and when this girl got wind of it, she went ballistic. She was never part of their group,even though she is also friends w/ a couple of the girls. I specifically told my DS not to invite his sister's friends because she wants to keep her life separate--of course--and I was trying to avoid him getting involved in her social life.
Unfortunately, my DS doesn't have a lot of guy friends, and the other boy who is in this group "likes" the girl who has now turned on him based on what this mean girl said. So he'll probably do whatever this other girl does as far as remaining friends w/ my DS or not.
Live and learn, I guess. I'm hoping it will blow over eventually. I've told my son not to react to anything else she does, so his friends will see that he is the bigger person.
This girl is bit strange. She takes offense about a "poorly written" email from a 12/13 year old boy and then makes a "federal case" about it. Is this girl spoiled, by any chance? Has she be brought up to think that the world centers on her?
My first reaction to all this was, do you really want your kids to be friends with a drama queen like that? Is this the type of girl you want to be part of her peer group?
Of course, you can not tell your DD not to be friends with this girl. I would suggest that you continue your on-going chats about integrity and character. This girl is a prime example of "how not to resolve differences". The other kids, if they have a reasonable developed sense of empathy, will soon avoid this girl or will "roll their eyes" every time she acts like a princess. My DD calls them the "Oh my G****d" girls, too concerned as what they think they are entitled to but have no thought as to how their actions impact others.
Your DS's friends will probably just laugh it off. Boys, as other posters have written, don't get into all this drama. They are not going to turn on him just because some girl
misinterpreted a few emails. If anything, they will think it is stupid.
Try not to worry. It is not the number of friends who have but the quality of the friends you do have.
This girl sounds manipulative and spoiled. Talk about ego! To go ballistic because you were not invited to a get together of a group of kids who don't generally hang together with!
Most normal kids would maybe feel bad because they were not included or just take it in their stride. After all, it was a gathering of younger kids. So what if she knows several of the girls. She is not friends with your DS, the host.
If that male friend turns on your son because he likes this older girl, so be it. Your son will learn a lesson about true friendship.
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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this. I agree with you completely! This girl's reaction was very strange; I can't say whether not she's spoiled, but she certainly doesn't seem to have great people skills.
I think themamas suggested my DS send out a general apology. I mentioned this to him, and so he went on this girl's Facebook page and said he apologizes for offending her, that he never meant to do so, and he's sorry. Now I've suggested to him that he just back off completely, and not respond to this girl if she should continue this. At least now his friends can see that he extended the olive branch, and if she keeps harping on it, she'll just make herself look bad.
I'm trying to encourage him to get together with some other friends, but it hurts to see him so dejected today.
Okay so he issued his apology.
Thanks, Diamonds. I didn't want to get too specific on the ins and outs of Facebook-ing, but here's another little tidbit. I had thought about asking DS to remove her from his "friends", but realized that would cause another big stir. Yesterday, she moved him down one notch on her "top friends". He wanted to do the same, but I told him it would only escalate things. He should leave her exactly where she was, so everyone could see he was taking the high road.
What I realized after he issued his "apology" is that his other 8th grade friends in this particular group don't have Facebook! So they won't even see it! Ugh. I'll have to suggest to him that he mention the apology next time he speaks to them.
You know, I love Facebook and all, but if it weren't for Facebook, AIM, etc.,
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