I need help

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I need help
5
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 11:34pm
Hello,

I hope someone can give me some advice.

I was the luckiest person to be going out with the most beautiful and wonderful person in my life. She was everything to me. We had been going out for 2 and a half years, and that is when my world turned upside down. I loved her and still do with all my heart. I tried to do whatever I could to make her happy. I tried to help her with whatever she needed, and I was always there for her. I loved being with her. I spent a lot of my money on her(gifts, taking her out to dinner,concerts, museums,etc., and being a student that was quite difficult for me to do. I was always faithful and loyal to her. I tried to make her life easier and happier.

Occassionally she was not happy with me. She would criticize me about my old Saturn, my posture, my apartment, my lack of working out, the way I dressed, the gifts that I would buy her, and occassionally i would think she just wants me to get better, but sometimes her remarks would hurt. She would treat me a little harsher in front of her parents(I never understood why). She would go out on dinner dates with her ex-boyfriend, and she would not want me to come along, because she said things would get weird. She would go dancing at clubs with her guy work friends in Colorado while I was in Ann Arbor. Of course this would hurt a little bit, but when I saw the pictures..it was extremely close dancing(this hurt me very much...but what could I do). I told her it bothered me, but she did not care.

After I had not seen her for about 1.5 months, when she came back to Ann Arbor from her internship...and I was the happiest person in the world, she became very cold and distant, and implied that maybe we should not go out anymore. I convinced her that I would change for her, and I would do everything I could to make her happy. after some time, she started loving me again(i do not know what that means anymore).

I am not saying I am a saint. I am far from it. I loved her immensily, and I always showed her how much I cared for her and still do. I had made a huge mistake that til this day I am depressed and suffering from. I had lied to her about my age by 3 years(she is 23 and I am 30). I was afraid of losing her if I told her my real age. I also stretched the truth on what my dad did for living...i said that he was a lawyer, when actually he is an env. engineer that handles law cases(I wanted her to be impressed). I also did not mention that I got a masters in BME, but I told her that I took a lot of classes in the area. My love and care for her were never a lie, and I have not lied to her about anything else. I told her that I promise that I will never lie to you again, and I will change drastically for you. I have changed a lot for her. I care for her parents as well, and they are very dear to me.

The break up was a bad one. She said some really harsh things to me which I truly deserve. I know the break up was my fault, but I honestly wish she could have given me another chance. She recently emailed me and tells me that she is not "over" me, and that is why she does not want to talk to me. It has been 4 months since she broke up with me.

I know I have lost her, but I want to rebuild my trust with her. I still love and care for her. Do you think this is something people who love each other can work out? Do you think it will be possible to rebuild my trust with her? Do you know how I should go about rebuilding the trust? I always thought a big part of trust was always being there for the person and following through with your promises. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to:
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 1:12am
Welcome to the board!!! I'm sorry to hear about your break-up...I know you're going through a lot right now and we're here to help...the best we can!! Reading your post....I have to ask if you may possibly have a problem with low self-esteem?? Tell me if I'm off-base but that's what it sounds like in your post. It sounds like you let her do some pretty bad things to you and I'm not condoning your lying but there had to be some reason you did it...could have been because you didn't think you were good enough or something else?? You shouldn't blame yourself completely for the break-up...she played a part in it as well and you need to put some blame on her as well. Did you break-up immediately following her finding out about your lies?? It didn't sound that way in the post so I wanted to clarify. I think you can rebuild trust but it will take a lot of work and will only work if she's willing to work on it also. I think you need to have some time of no contact until you are both over each other before even attempting to rebuild. Good luck and keep us posted!!













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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 2:37pm
Hello cl-heidi hibbit,

Thank you for the advice. Yeah, she broke up with me right after she found out. I probably do have low self-esteem. I miss her very much. I am trying to move on with my life. I definitely would like to rebuild my trust in her. I know there is a 1% chance of us getting back together, but I would love to be her friend. Rite now, she does not want me to call her, but she does not mind me emailing her. Do you think this is something a couple could work out if they wanted to? I would vow never to lie to her again. Is there anything I could do to make her happy? Thank you for listening to my woes. I appreciate it.

-manish

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to:
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 12:58am
Vent on here all you want...that's what we're here for!!! I don't see anything wrong with e-mailing her as long as you don't do it in excessive amounts.....you don't want to push her further away. Maybe in time you can rebuild that trust and become friends but it will take awhile so be prepared. Good luck and keep us posted!!













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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 1:20pm
Hello cl-heidi hibbit,

I know I can change, but I just hope that she will give me the opportunity to rebuild her trust in me. I never ever cheated on her....i would never dance with other girls in clubs(because I felt that I was not being true to her). She was my first love. I have accepted that people have different degrees of love towards one another. I pray everyday that we could have worked things out, but my lies hurt her too much. How can I ease her pain? Any advice would help. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!! -manish

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 11:10pm
Hello,

I still love my ex girlfriend so very much. I have expressed my feelings to her, but she has lost the love for me, and she has grown distant from me. My mistake has hurt her deeply. I apologize all the time to her, and I am very sincerely willing to change. I changed a lot for her before. She was my first love. Is it normal to love someone so much if they do not love you back? Do you think she is angry with me because I expressed how much I love her? Is it wrong for me to show my true feelings for her? well, if you ever have time, any advice would help.

the pain is still very near. thank you. manish