do you agree with me?
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do you agree with me?
| Wed, 06-23-2004 - 6:32pm |
I'm 22 and have been dating someone 8 years older for a little over 3 years. During the end of year number 2, we got engaged and started planning what we wanted for the future. We had some minor issues, but some major ones too. Eventually, we broke up because of the two big ones: we wanted different religious upbringings for our kids and I could not stand one of his friends. He has a close friend from his undergraduate days in South Africa named Mark. I have met Mark before and he is one of the most blunt, sexest person I have ever met; he has no regards for other people's feelings and craves attention. For example, he talks about how many women he's sacked and about his package constantly in vulgar terms and how a woman's place is housekeeping. During one time, my boyfriend and I got into a fight and Mark decided to defend my boyfriend even though he had no idea why we were fighting. Mark became very verbally abusive, saying I was weak and needy and wasn't good enough for my boyfriend like his first love that my boyfriend was never over. I will never get over his verbal attack on me (by the way, he very smartly did this behind my boyfriend's back so he didn't know about it). Anyway, after a month or so apart, my boyfriend and I both decided to get back together. We had solved the religion issue and I told him that I don't want to be with him if I have to see Mark because he abused me and I shouldn't tolerate that. So my boyfriend agreed to not talk to Mark. However, recently, I found out that they were still talking. I feel betrayed, insecure, and not respected. I asked my boyfriend why he would do this and he said that I have changed a lot since the three years we went out so perhaps one day I will change my opinion about Mark. I told him that I will never forgive Mark for hurting me and that the Mark issue is not about ideology but is something that happened that cannot be undone, like for example, if someone cheated in a relationship. He said I was blowing things out of proportion because it was "just an argument" between me and Mark and it's no big deal, not like an affair. My point is that he told me he wouldn't talk to Mark but he did so there is a trust issue, he continues to socialize with Mark making me feel insecure in this relationship because of the verbal abuse I got from Mark, and he doesn't respect me because he decides it's okay to be with someone that abused his fiance (at the time) who's suppose to be important to him! I really want to be with my boyfriend because he has good qualities and I can tolerate the little things (like for instance, I asked if he was into romance, like sending flowers, and he said "Can an elephant fly?") But I think this Mark issue is a big deal because I was abused and it makes me second guess myself. I've decided to end things, but I can't help but think that someone else (Mark) broke us up...but perhaps that's just an illusion from blaming a boyfriend that didn't protect me. Please some advice and opinions would be appreciated. Thanks!

I'm sorry that you had to put up with Mark's vulgarity and lack of respect but I don't think it was worth ending your relationship over. I can understand how you felt betrayed but I wouldn't have expected my bf to give up his friend that would be his choice as long as he was keeping Mark away from you.....I don't see the big problem...except I don't think your bf should have told you he would stop contact if he had no intention of it but I feel this is something you two could probably work through. But the choice is yours and I can understand both sides. Good luck and keep us posted!!!
I agree with you that who my ex-bf talks to is his choice. I guess I feel like I didn't force him to do anything because I didn't say, "It's either Mark or me." Rather, I explained what Mark did and said, "I don't want to be in this situation because it is taking a toll on me and it's unfair to me to be in a triangle relationship." My ex was the one to say don't leave and that he wouldn't talk to Mark. So we got back together. But it keeps on reoccurring because my ex thinks I will one day change my mind and he would rather hold onto that idea than what I say, which is, abuse is hard to overcome and if I did, the scars would still be there and I wouldn't want to be reminded of it all the time by his contact with Mark. It's a real big strain on me psychologically because ever since I was little, I was told by numerous people I wasn't good enough constantly, first by my grandmother just because I was a girl and not a boy, and then by all my relatives because we were the poorest of them all and they looked down on that. But I overcame that on my own, graduated valedictorian from high school, put myself through one the best engineering programs at UC Berkeley, and now have a stable, high paying job. I am just so tired of no one supporting me and people saying that I'm not good enough. I told my friend and she said, "Does it matter what other people think about you?" I know, ideally, the answer should be no, but it really wears you down. Everyone has doubts, even with their accomplishments, and for different people to keep on saying that, you start to think there just might be some truth in it, otherwise why would so many different people say it? I just think I deserve better in terms of having someone that can stand up for me when people make those remarks instead of just blowing it off as "a tiff". I also wish that this incident didn't break us up because my ex has a lot of good qualities but I just can't deal with this particular one. Can you tell a person abused by more than one person that this new abuse is just an unfortunate incident when that person has seen it before numerous times? Wouldn't the latest incident just add on to the psychological heap already there?