Putting Yourself Back Out There

Avatar for delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Putting Yourself Back Out There
7
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:07pm
I had to take a break from this board for awhile and let the past remain in the past. I have been broken up with my ex for almost 11 mos now and although we tried to remain friends and keep communication and contact, I decided all I was doing is keeping him from moving on because I was giving him exactly what a commitment phobe wants--a relationship based on friendship but nothing more. At one point I actually slept with him again--(okay NW lecture me on this!) but I confess it was more out of horniness than anything else. You see I realize that this man can't risk, is in a holding pattern of being scared by his EW and probably will never have the courage to risk again. His problem and baggage not mine. I also realized that I had detached myself emotionally from him--really because he is toxic to my well being--not that he is a bad guy, but he can't fulfill my needs and I deserve better! Anyhow, I had taken some time off, realize that I'm capable of rebounding so have taken some time off from dating to learn how to be a single again and to not feel like I have to have a man in my life. I feel like I've grown. I am not settling as I have done in the past with previous post divorce relationships and am in no hurry to "find someone" to make me feel good about myself. I have my self esteem and confidence back and I know what I want and it isn't my ex. I have value and a lot to offer and I will find someone that is worthy OF ME. Anyhow I slipped off the wagon even after all this time, but I have told him NO CONTACT again because I feel he is the one that isn't moving forward (he hasn't dated at all since we broke up and is scared by it) and as a "friend" I need to let him go to move forward, not live in the past. I feel that I have done this, I've dated others, perhaps some in an attempt to feel desirable again, and have not rushed as in the past to "be with someone" out of loneliness. I actually am enjoying the single life for the first time in 30 yrs!

Anyhow, my question is this==I am doing the online thing after meeting so many disappointement and losers at the bar. Its scarey, but so is dating period. I've only done this for about a month. I have met some nice men and of course since I'm the "Fresh Meat" as they call it, men are contacting me to meet. Well this past weekend, I really clicked with a man on the first date. I guess it caught me off guard that he was handsome, had the same values and I was attracted to him. Big sparks for the first time since I met my ex---BUT I am apprehensively giddy. I mean I really was attracted to the man emotionally, physically and value wise. We were only going to meet for 2 hours and wound up spending the whole day and night together and then the next as well. I hate that my experience with my ex has made me gun shy. I've already told him slow-slow-slow and that I'm not ready to get into anything too soon. I found myself holding hands at the first meeting, because it felt right and he asked. But then I thought what are you doing--its the first date for God's sake. I also find myself comparing him to my ex--something that I know isn't fair and I hate myself for it. There is a part of me that wants to give this guy a chance, but a fear that he has found pay dirt (he's said as much that he's attracted to me and my values) but another that still wants to play the field.

Any thoughts? I guess I'm confused because my guard has been up for so long so that I don't make a mistake, rebound or do something stupid. I have been selective and have let several go that were either too anxious or just not my type. But I hate that I am over thinking this rather than just letting it happen.

Any thoughts? He's a very nice man and at my age 48 they are few and far between, but at the same time I definitely have other guys both from the net or that I've met calling to go out with me. I'm SOOOOOOOO new to this dating scene and it seems to be feast or famine. For the rest of you that are going through a lot of heartbreak--be true to yourself and no one else. Get that self esteem back and don't allow the ex to hold you to something that was but isn't or won't be--you deserve better. Also, it really does get better, 11 mos ago I didn't think I could ever be with someone else and you know what? I've met a lot of men that although haven't rang my bell, but see the value I have and WANT to be with me--not scared like my ex.

Well hopefully, my "family" will guide me again as I've guided you folks.

Hugs, L
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:40pm
Um...can you clarify how long your first date lasted? Because if I'm reading it right, there's NO WAY ON EARTH that can be classified as going slowly ;-)...

I'll respond further once you've clarified.

Sheri

Avatar for delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:33pm
NW I knew I'd get your attention on this. Let me clarify. By saying we spent the whole day and NIGHT together I don't mean he slept over. God I haven't even kissed the man yet and yes the hand holding was premature but he asked and I obliged. We have been talking on the phone and emailing so it wasn't like we had no communication going up to the first meet and greet.

It just felt good and comfortable. Sometimes there's just a spark or connection with someone and I felt it. We have talked since and are going out this weekend, but I have made it clear to him that I think the hand holding was too soon and that things need to move slowly. I also told him I enjoy his company but want to continue seeing others--not that there's any exclusivity at this point.

NW like I said--I haven't dated in 30 yrs. Didn't date as a kid or college student and married my one and only, so I'm really new and possibly naiive to all this.

He's a gentleman and I enjoy his company. I guess I'm just having a hard time letting anyone get too close to me and of course the hand holding probably wasn't a good thing in your eyes. So go ahead--flame away--I can take it! I just am not ready for a relationship right now, and you know I'm definitely new to this on-line thing.

Hugs, D
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:43pm
Oh, I don't have a problem with the hand-holding...it was spending so much time with him on a first date and/or seeing each other two days in a row that seems *really* inconsistent with going slowly (and I'm still not clear on whether you stayed up all night with him and continued into the next day, or you ended the first date, went your separate ways, then went out again the next day). In any event, I hope you have a good time again this weekend!

As for the extra-curricular activities with the ex ;-), I'm not going to give you a hard time, but I'm also not at all surprised! You've definitely made the right decision to cut off contact for the time being.

Sheri

Avatar for delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:37pm
Sheri: We had two separate days. I couldn't help it--I had a great time with the man and really enjoyed his company! Sparks flew--just as much as it could if we had met in a restaurant or bar--other than I knew a lot more about him and his values. We have IM'd back and forth and have backed him off some. Hey remember I was the one with the "chubby man" and there it just wasn't there. We still keep in touch but the weight thing was the real deal breaker, as sweet as he was, along with a few other things. With Alan he just genuinely seems like a very nice guy, I think a bit more anxious than I am and yeah two days in a row--but you know what? The feeling was mutual and we just wanted to know more about each other since we found each other attractive and interesting. I gave him the slow down buster talk. I haven't had men find me all that attractive up to now and my new found confidence along with a comfort for doing things by myself (concerts, car shows, bike shows etc) have put me in a spot where I'm not in any rush--really. It just was nice to find a prince after meeting a bunch of toads! Anyhow I have a date tonight at an italian restaurant with Mr Tall Dark and Handsome who I met at a dance club a few weeks ago. We'll see how that goes and yes I told Alan that I was going on a date--not to be cruel but honest. So wish me luck--this one may be more of a player but we'll see--very nice looking and a great dancer.

On the ex--believe it or not it was sex for sex. I have no intention that we will ever be together again. I don't think I'd want him even if he came back and he won't. The fractures in his image as I see him as he really is--are no longer hidden by my blinders. He's afraid of involvement and risk and not sure if I'm a keeper--I want a man that is sure and I deserve it. Problem is, I could detach--he couldn't. We knew we were good in the sack together and hadn't had some in a while and indulged ourselves--not good but not the first. I realized that he hasn't moved on and away from the past and started dating again and he won't unless I let him go. He also sucumbed to the sexual urges but felt terrible in the AM. As a "friend" I have to let him go. I will miss our conversations and our discussions about our families, but I need to find a friend or someone else who can fill that void--so does he. We have a common love for music (remember I went to the concerts and you warned me?) But now I have to let him go so he can move forward--if he is capable. I am finding others that like to go to concerts and like the music I enjoy and if I can't I go by myself. So I guess what I'm trying to say is if I'm the friend I say I am--I'm doing it for both of our sakes. I really feel like I've moved on--I have no hopes of reconciling. Its over and there's no looking back. I miss my friend as many do here--but I have others to take his place.

Hope this makes sense. Be happy for me--I'm finding some inner peace I haven't had in a while and "trying" to set a reasonable pace for the men that are entering my life. Again bear with me, I feel like a 48 yr old virgin as far as dating is concerned. I do hate that his affect on me has me cautious, reflective and even scared by all of this, but then again Sheri, maybe that is a good thing--I've been reckless in the past--growth perhaps??? By the way, how's Mr New Orleans going?

Hugs, D
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 7:29pm
I *am* happy for you, just pointing out the inconsistencies between what you're saying and what you're doing ;-). But so long as you're aware, that's what counts.

I just have one quibble with your "honesty" about going on other dates: this is my opinion only, but I think it's a little tacky to mention other dates. I would be put off by a guy doing so, and so if I do have a date, I just say I have "other plans" and leave it at that. Of course if he asked me directly I wouldn't lie, but I think one can be honest AND tactful. FWIW...

I've posted a bunch about Mr. New Orleans on GT (a post on Monday and one this morning), so I won't repeat myself here. It's going ok, and I had a (mostly) great time down there last weekend, but I'm just not sure I'm cut out to be in an LDR. I've decided to wait and see what happens in the next month and on my next visit towards the end of July.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:18pm
Its sooooooo great to see you again!!! I'm so glad things are going well and you have everything in control and have your life straightened out again!!! Congratulations!! I think you should give this new guy a chance....just try and take things slow...don't do anything you aren't comfortable with. If you don't give him a shot you may always look back and wonder what could have been...so go find out what could be!!

Good luck and keep us posted!!!














Photobucket
Avatar for delilahha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 12:51pm
Sheri: Always enjoy your comments and yes maybe it was tacky--I just want him to slow down a little and let him know I was seeing others--see I'm really new to this. I had a friend tell to just enjoy each guy's personality and date and not look at it like he is my lifelong companion. This is all so new to me. See I NEVER dated in college or school--and things have changed so since I have.

Glad to hear that Mr NO is going good--I'll get the details on GT. I had a great date with a gentleman that I met dancing at a club. He is 40 and showed up with a single rose and a card that said "Welcome to our first date--here's hoping the first of many more." The man is drop dead gorgeous but I wonder what his motives are for going for a woman 8 yrs older, but very nice. Like I said its weird because I've never had multiple dates or relationships at one time. (guess I never put myself out there long enough) But I figure if I want to figure out what I want, I need to sample different types of men.

Anyhow--thanks for the heads up. Tomorrow night I'm off to a concert with the hand holding man and mums the word on the date.

Thanks as usual and I'm happy for you too.

D