Do I have a right to be angry?
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Do I have a right to be angry?
| Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:37pm |
Last year in April I made a vow that after 6 years of dating my now ex-boyfriend I was going to leave him. In September of last year I broke up with him and haven't gotten back with him since. My feelings were unless he approached me like a man and I saw some changes I wasn't going to take him back. Surprisingly, I stuck to my guns and I think this shocked him. In fact, by Jan '04 I became 100% confident with my choice and decided it was best things be left as is. During this whole time we weren't together he continued to contact me on a regular basis. I'll admit I knew he wanted to be back with me, but it made me mad he wasn't doing the right things so I began to verbally abuse him and he continued to come back. Suddenly in April/May of this year I noticed even though he was still contacting me and not letting on he wanted to get back together that something wasn't right. He would try to suggest we get intimate, but he would always suggest my house or even a hotel. I would get angry and let him know I think too highly of myself to maintain a sexual relationship with him. About 2 weeks ago I finally decided to go out where he lives(he lives 45 minutes away) and "see" if there was something going on because I had a gut feeling. I drive past his house and see a familiar car in his driveway. It just happens to be a young lady he's known longer than me who always provides "emotional support" when him and I aren't together. The last time we broke up for about 6 months for about 3 months they dated, but that was short lived. In fact, less than a month after they ended their relationship she ended up pregnant another man. My now ex became pissed because while they were dating she was on birth control and made him wear a rubber yet, but yet she turned up pregnant. Eventually it didn't take long for me to realize that long before I came along she was the emotional support/rebound girl he picks up when there are no other options. Anyway after driving by his house and seeing the girl's car when he called me I questioned if he was involved with her while trying to get intimate with me and he denied it completely. Finally I got angry and told him what I knew about her car being there and he was being a flat out coward. After that he confessed he was seeing her again and get this she and her 1 1/2 year old son are living with him. He stated he was lonely and hurt when he allowed her to move in and it was a big mistake(she's been living ther 3 months). He said he wasn't thinking and now he's in a jam. Supposively he claims she has become a born again christian so they aren't intimate and she is looking an apartment because the arrangement is not working. He also said he is f**** because he has become connected to her son. I know for a fact he sleeps at his office(he's self employed)on a cot to prevent having to go home. I know this for a fact because many times he is on the internet at his office at 3,4,5 in the morning and he doesn't have a computer at home. My initial reaction was shock, then disgust, and anger. I understand what he does is not my business, in fact, we haven't been a couple in almost a year but had I not investigated he would have never said one word. Now everyday I feel as if there is a knot in my stomach, but I do not want to feel this way. In fact, I feel this situation does not warrant the attention I am giving it. I don't know what the future might hold for him and I, but is this something you would say that is a sign about this man and I should be saying that is it for him or am I letting my emotions take control of me and his actions should have no bearings on whether or not we have a future. Please shed some light on this because my head is spinning and I cannot make sense on how I should react or should I react
thanks
Edited 6/23/2004 10:41 pm ET ET by legggss71
Edited 6/23/2004 10:46 pm ET ET by legggss71

This poor guy is still chasing you, but how long is he supposed to sit around, lonely, while you yank his chain? While you send him mixed message, giving him hope that he'll get you back if he magically solves the puzzle and figures out what are the magic words to open you back up. Either you want him or you don't. If you don't want him as he is, and won't tell him what the problem is, then you're playing a game with him, an unnecessary and cruel game. If you do want him, just tell him that, tell him what your terms are ("stop doing x, y, and z"), and see what he says. But you can't be angry at this guy for living his own life while he clings to the dream of reconciliation, while you actively fan the flames by tantalizing him with the suggestion that one day he'll figure out the combination and unlock your heart. Don't obsess about his life or this girl. Just let him move on. Or do something active to take him back. I don't think people who are really in love play head games like this, you may just be bored. Let him go and move on.
Thanks for the advice. I do realize he did nothing wrong, but live his life as I have been doing. What I don't agree with is while this girl was and is living under his roof he was still trying to win me back. What if I didn't have woman's intuition? I could have ended up being a part of a 3 ring circus. For now I think it's best him and I don't speak until everything simmers down.
I have to admit I'm a little confused with some of your actions. I don't understand if you knew you wanted to end things in April....why did you wait until Sept?? Why drag it out for so long? Did you ever let him know what changes he needed to make to win you back? Guys are terrible mind readers so I hope you at least clued him in. And no matter what....I don't think its right that you verbally abused him....its wrong and necessary as I'm sure you realize that now. I don't think you have a right to be upset with him for being with this other woman...you ended the relationship and I'm sure he's lost all hope of reconciliation. You can't have it both ways and you need to let him run his own life. I don't know if I'd believe all his story about her being a born again christian and her looking for her own place....once somebody lies to me...its hard for me to believe anything they say. If I were you...I think I'd give up on this relationship and I'd probably try my hand at that no contact thing.
Good luck and keep us posted!! We're here to talk if you need us!!