Enduring Pain
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Enduring Pain
| Thu, 06-24-2004 - 6:08am |
My husband and I are separated. We were supposedly attempting to reconcile. I left him because of emotional abuse that was affecting myself and 2 children. It seems like we can never move our relationship beyond anger and distance. We have not made love in 2 years. We are again not speaking because he became angry with me and vowed not to call for a month. I cannot understand his cruelty to me and our 3 year old daughter. My 16 year old son from a previous marriage REFUSES to return to his home. Our reconciliation was going to happen after my son graduates high school next year and enters college. I know that I should sever all ties with this man, I know and feel that I am being destroyed by this relationship. However, the pain of the thought of severing our ties is unbearable.I am hoping that this will pass and I will maintain my resolve to finally end this relationship. I am praying that he will stay away for the month. This will give some time to strengthen my resolve through counseling. Those out there who have been through this, please give me advice.
Signatures On
| Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:49am |
Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. You're ambivalent and have serious doubts about being on your own, which is understandable. The book is about looking beyond feelings at facts that make a relationship either good or bad, and helps you make the decision to leave (or to recommit to the relationship) and feel comfortable with it. One point that is stressed over and over in the book - you are terrified at the prospect of a future without this relationship. How will you survive, will you ever find love again, what will be the impact on your child, etc. Everyone leaving a marriage struggles with this. Everyone leaving a marriage seems endlessly preoccupied with things that are, after all, small in comparison to your happiness and self-worth - can I afford an apartment, who keeps the refrigerator, divorces are expensive, what will my family/the community think of me, whatever. Your preoccupation with those things is a manifestation of your ambivalence in the face of a major life decision. I spent years agonizing about ending my marriage, caught up in small practical details, overwhelmed by the big picture. Divorce is not easy, I'm not going to kid you there. But I guarantee you will be surprised by how happy you are on your own, how competent you are, how well you can handle your life, how soon you will be laughing and having fun again. This is a major decision, but it is not *the* decision of your life. This is, in many important ways, life-altering, but it is not life ending. You'll still be you. The sun will still shine. Comedy will still be funny. Your children will still love you. There is a life after the end of a relationship. Read the book, there's more in there, more stories about people who just couldn't believe how free and happy they felt after leaving a bad relationship, and who couldn't believe they'd spent so long convincing themselves not to leave. You have only one life, you have to take care of yourself. Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship seems like the right decision to me. Think hard, read the book, I bet you'll realize that it's the right decision for you. Then accept that you can survive it and will almost certainly be happier in the long run once you've ended this rollercoaster of optimism, depression, and guilt that keeps you tied to a man who doesn't make you happy and doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck.
| Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:36pm |
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry your having such difficulties with your husband. I th ink you are right that it probably would be best to end the relationship. It doesn't sound like he's really trying that hard and you need to move on and by happy for yourself and your kids!! Good luck and keep us posted. Don't forget we're always here to try our best to help if you need us!!

