Need some help badly

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Need some help badly
2
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 3:51pm
I am a 57 year old, fairly attractive, intellegent female. Divorced for many years and live on my own. Eight years ago I met a man I'll call Fred. Fred and I hit it off immediately and, as well as being lovers, we were best friends. We lived together twice in the course of the 8 yrs. and decided mutually we do better living on our own. I loved him more than he cared for me, and I knew that. i was willing to accept his fear of commitment due to his marriage breakup and the pain he went through. I settled for what he was willing and able to give to me, and learned to make the best of it. Over the years I have come to know and love his family. We saw each other twice a week usually, for suppers, or a movie etc. The sex life dwindled to almost nothing, due to his problem with erectile disfunction. I never brought it up because he was extremely embarrassed by it. And the years went by. happy, laughter, good times, great friends, mutual respect etc etc. Until Sunday night, when he stayed over at my place. I was awoken at 3:30 am to the sound of my security buzzer. When I answered a frantic woman's voice said "Is Fred there?" In a panic, I said who is this? and she just kept saying is Fred there?? Fred at the same time was getting dressed and getting his things together and making a dash out the back door to try to avoid her, like the coward I have discovered Fred really is. She caught him and confronted him to which he replied that she shouldn't have come to my place and now they would have to end their relationship. He told her he and I were "just friends". Now I find out he has been meeting her in motels for over 2 years and she is in love with him. As am I. They have been enjoying some pretty great sex according to her - she insisted on calling me - with the help of viagra. I feel sorry for her as well, she is a victim too, but I am devestated and need to find out what to do to get over this pain. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't think. I'm going insane. And I will not talk to him, I just can't. There must be some way to deal with this so I can get on with my life. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 8:25pm
I am so sorry you are going through this. I really wish there was a magic thing you could do to just get over it and move on with your life. I think you are better off sticking with not talking to him, or if you think it will help, listening to his pathetic excuses for closure. A lot of boys have problems out there just limiting themselves to one woman, and it is rare that they ever do. The best thing to do is to cry, let yourself feel the emotions you are feeling and most of all, do NOT feel sorry for yourself because that just makes it a longer road to recovery. Also do not think about what "you did wrong" because hon, you didn't he was just a player and I doubt he really cares who's emotions he's playing with. Now you may come back and defend him on this and it's normal, but think about what he did to you. Yeah he may have said that he loved you and he convinced you that he did but in the end actions speak louder than words and he was dipping in other pools with at least one other woman. Who knows how many others there may have been or are. Just be glad that you found out about it, chalk it up to experience and move on. Let him dig his own hole.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:46pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm so sorry to hear about the drama that unfolded before you...I know you must be in a tailspin about now. This whole thing probably explains so much of his behavior over past years....but is just that much more painful. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I think your best not to talk to him...its obvious you can't trust him anymore. It will take time but you will get through this. Just try and keep busy (clean, take up a hobby, etc) so you don't have as much time to dwell on it. Good luck and keep us posted. And always remember we're here to help if you need it.













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