stupid, stupid
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| Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:07pm |
But I've been OD'ing on Sex and the City, the complete DVD set of which has been my fondest companion throughout the breakup. Anyway, I got the stupid idea last night that I could just call my ex up and talk. I mean, why not, right, it seems mature and rational and whatever, I was thinking about him, we were in love and planning to get married, I gave him my heart, body, trust, loyalty, surely I can just pick up the stupid phone and talk to him without being paralyzed by fear of a harsh response, surely it's been long enough to talk rationally. Sad and sorry as it sounds, I was also going through a vulnerable moment, yesterday would have been the anniversary of our first time making love. Now, and this is going to sound really sad, but that date has been part of my email password ever since. I just couldn't seem to change it. So, I was aware of it. And the mix of thinking about that, us in our early carefree days, and stupid Sex and the City, made me dial up his cell. As soon as his name popped up on my phone, though, I thought "crap, what am I doing?" Like, what was I going to do, call him up and remind him it was the anniversary of the first time we slept together? God, how stupid. We had a nasty breakup, I explained that his abandoning me when I had cancer was my reason for leaving, he told me that he hated me anyway and just wanted to forget the 2 year relationship ever happened (no, he's not 9, he's 30, and a lawyer). So, seriously, how was that conversation going to go? What is there left to say to him? Why would I think he'd welcome me sharing some nostalgic moment about our early days, when he apparently thinks I'm a cold hard b-? What was I thinking?
Anyway, I panicked and hung up. But he has caller ID on his cell, of course. Now I've regressed from a 29 year old confident, successful, home-owning lawyer to that stupid teenager who calls and hangs up. God, how embarassing. I'm more mortified than hurt/anxious/upset, really. Today I was thinking how glad I was that I didn't talk to him, how maybe there's just too much death and destruction from the breakup to ever smooth it over and make nice (plus, I've tried to do the mutual apology, we had a great thing, good luck with your life gesture, but see above, what I got was a dead echo of "I hate you, get out of my room" from my pre-teen years fighting with my sister - I think he needs to be the one to make any further gesture).
But, I guess it's a reminder that you can still slip up. And beware of pop culture, especially any show, movie, whatever, that suggests that endlessly hooking up with your toxic ex is romantic or dramatic. Bad Sex and the City, bad.

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God- I was not going to admit this-- but I almost did it right now. I was thinking he told me how much he loved me and how important our friendship was and he would do whatever I needed him to do...etc...anyway that was 2 weeks ago.
I talked to my family last night and am driving down with DD to see them. I told them about H and I separating and needless to say they were not happy with that decision. The problem is I can act like my X's W and rant and rave about how terrible life is/was with H, but it really isn't true. He is a good person, but we just have nothing left. We have been in counseling for 9 months now and nothing has changed- we have just gotten more distance...grant it over the last 3 months I decided I wanted to be with my now recently D x, but I do not think not having my X will change how I feel about H. Anyway- it is so much easy for people to "be on your side" when it is something terrible that the other has done. People are sad for us, but it is different.
So this morning I woke up in tears and have not been able to stop most of the day. I thought I could call my X - he said he would be there for me...I have been trying to keep busy all day until DD gets back from camp so we can drive to my family's- it will take us 4 hours and so I am dead in the car. She will fall fast asleep and I will be left with my thoughts...ugh!!! I do not think calling him will help me-- but it would be nice to have him "on my side"-- I know he would be. He probably is the only one besides me who thinks H and I should split up. I guess I have told him more than I do most people and so he can understand why I am doing this.
oh god-- this is awful...
tb
ps my email is about him too
i totally understnad why you're embarassed, you dont want to turn in to this insecure teenager craving validation from some boy, youd ont want to think some GUY makes you feel this way. but you're entitled to your feelings, even the stupid ones, the embarassing ones, the ones that make you feel cheesy. go easy on yourself here! you havent regressed, you had a bad moment. its over now, and you yourself told me this recovery is non-linear, there will always be bad moments. i understand you're just venting here and you know all these things, but im just reminding you to cut yourself some slack.
i blame sex and the city for half the problems my girlfriends have lol. i feel like they're convinced that their lives should be like that, and they dont understand why it isnt. toxic relationships are not romantic, misery and love do not HAVE to go hand in hand. there are bad moments, but, drawn out break ups where you push and pull and push and pull and put yourself through an emotional wringer are not romantic or beautiful the way Morrisey is romantic and beautiful. its MISERABLE and DEPRESSING the way Morrisey is miserable and depressing.
there is a healthy way to move on. but slip ups are SO normal ,a nd im really glad you didnt talk to your ex too, becuase considering how you were feeling the minute you finished dialing his number, well, it would not have been good for you to call and say hi at that time. and considering the way your break up was and the things he said to you even afterwards--well why would you want to? he hsnt exactly been nice enough to deserve yoru friendship anymore than he deserves your love--not right now anyway.
i have fantasies ALL THE TIME of running into my ex at some party, fo the 2 of us acting like nothing was wrong, flirting and talking and then we just sorta start dating again...as if we were starting over...but i know it would NEVER be like that. the first time i run into him is going to be very bittersweet, and not romantic or dramatic.
im glad you posted this thread, and although im sorry you slipped up, you're right, we all need to remember and stay focused here--we've been dumped, and we've gotta pick up the pieces and keep moving forward.
good luck to all of us :)
My cheesy company-sponsored cell phone has no face plate and I hate disabling the keyboard all the time. I've called many a person in my address book from my purse or suit pocket. I'm always stunned when I hear my clothes saying "Jane, are you there? Jane?"
Don't beat yourself up. Head up high, love you AND your feelings!
CONGRATULATIONS!! For hanging up, that is. If he never calls back he will always wonder what you wanted. And if he does call back, you can just ignore him and he will still wonder what you wanted! You are an inspiration to all of us on this board. Thank you so much for sharing and for your advice. . .
Have a good weekend.
Sara
First of all, don't be dissin' Sex and the City. (Wink.) I own the entire series on DVD, and maybe that means I'm a loser or a "Sex-a-holic," not to be confused with a nymphomaniac, but I'm a "SexandtheCity-a-holic" and PROUD OF IT. I think we should have our own parade.
Throughout all the posts of yours that I've read, you've sounded so in touch with yourself. You know who you are and that you come first. You are a beautiful, talented, articulate, sophisticated attorney who is capable of making the occasional faux pas. Just like everyone else. So you called and hung up. So what? Anybody could do it, even accidentally. Take his name out of the phonebook on your cell phone. C'mon. It's not like your going to forget his number or anything. Take it out so it's not so easy to dial.
By the way, those Sex and the City girls make everything look easier than it is.
ml
I have often equated my ex to Big - he's selfish, cold, committment phobic - and has the possibility of becoming the ONE. Am I nuts?
Milton - I slipped up worse than you today. I had a date tonight with a great guy - and my ex came over (i said he could) before I went out (he didn't know where i was going) and we ended up kissing. He told me he loved me so much and I believe him. I still think he sucks in relationships.
So you called the a-hole... Atleast you hung up before he got the honor of hearing your voice!!!! I whored myself into kissing him and now my ex gets the honor of knowing I'm still vulnerable and suseptable to his touch. It is very unfortunate because now I am actually entertaining the idea of being with him again...
Read and re-read the last chapter of "He's Scared, She's Scared", also.
Are you in counseling? If so, it might be time for an emergency call to your counselor, and if not, I think it would be a really good idea to get you through this vulnerable time. You need to set your bottom lines with him. For example, you might tell him that he is NOT to contact you unless he has 1, been in counseling for six months; 2, is ready to immediately introduce you to his family; and 3, is ready to get engaged and set a wedding date. These are just examples; you might come up with different boundaries that are right for YOU (although I think the counseling one is non-negotiable; no one with CP issues 'gets over' them on their own, plus he has the cyber sex issue). Then, you need to be ready to ENFORCE the boundaries with no contact. The support of a counselor through all of this is invaluable.
Sheri
I had dinner with one of my best girl friends a couple of days ago, we flirted with the cute young waiter and drank blue drinks, and she made me bring along my index cards - all the little flaws my ex has, all the things he did that hurt me, even just disgusting habits. And we read them over and laughed. But as we kept flipping, both of us got kind of serious about it all, because there was definitely a pattern, and it was more than just a bit of fun/malicious joking about his nostril hair. I realized that the one big, overarching problem with my relationship was that he was selfish.
And what that meant wasn't just that he didn't go with me to the hospital when I had cancer. It didn't just mean that the relationship seemed like it was always about his feelings, his needs, his desire to be romanced, his expectations of perfect coupled bliss, whatever. I think he was truly, profoundly uninterested in me as a person. Now, he told me he loved me all the time. He sent me emails that were waiting for me almost every morning when I got into work, that said he was the luckiest guy in the world to have me. But it was like he was acting out this role, and he was more caught up in how great he was playing the role than in how I felt about it. The thing is, he really wasn't interested in me as a person, in my interiority. He never really asked me questions about myself, never wondered what I was thinking, never asked how I was feeling. He frequently interrupted when I was expressing my opinions - I used to think it was great that we could debate ideas, but I have come to see how easily he mocked my positions on issues. I also bet that, after almost 2 years together, he couldn't tell you my brother & sister's names, even though he met my sister and her family. I bet he couldn't tell you where I grew up, what my dreams were as a child, whatever. It's not that we didn't talk about these things. I heard his stories, he heard mine. They just didn't register as anything significant to him - he saw exchanging the stories as signs we were progressing as a couple and he was winning me over, he did not see them as an opportunity to get to know the real me.
When we had been together for a bit, after I was finally bringing in a decent paycheck after law school, I planned a weekend for us. His parents were just teens when they got pregnant with him, couldn't handle the responsibility for a while, so they sent him off to his grandparents to live. For years, he was closer to his grandparents than to his own parents, and his grandfather used to walk him home from school or just take him out on errands around town in the summers, and then they'd go home and watch the Cubs play on TV. His grandfather died, but he has this special memory of watching the Cubs with him, and they've always been his favorite team. So I bought *extremely* expensive tickets practically on the field, plane tickets to go see them, and booked a weekend in a hotel, all as a surprise. It was thoughtful, meaningful, it was something I thought he'd love and he did. But my ex just never was that interested in things that would make me feel special. Gifts were always shiny things, gold and diamonds are great, but it's just not the same as a meaningful gift based upon his understanding of me, you know?
I realized when we were together that there was passion and turmoil, love and war, incredible sex and even what felt like true intimacy, long thoughtful talks into the night, we had a relationship that was never boring. But, in many ways, it was based on a fantasy, every bit as much as our favorite TV/movie shows. He claimed to be in love with me, but I swear he never really knew me, and never wanted to. He was bored by my job, even though I am passionate about it and excited to be successful and also to be doing pro bono work that helps people. He wasn't interested in my hobbies, or my interests, my likes and dislikes. I'm a lit major, but I bet he couldn't tell you my favorite author, or who I wrote a published essay about. I'm editing this because something just struck me - in a post-breakup email from him, he asked about my "little doggy." It seemed like weird baby talk at the time, but I just realized - I don't think he knows my dog's name. After almost 2 years together, walking the dog together, spending the night together with the dog snoring nearby, my talks about the vet, her being attacked and badly injured by another dog and my resultant hysteria, I don't think the jerk even knows her name.
That's self-absorption of almost epic proportions, really. I guess it explains why he wasn't empathetic or supportive during my cancer episode, but it really is sad to think that I bought into an illusion, a facade, that he seemed so in love with me but, when I really look hard at it, he really wasn't that interested in me, in my feelings, in how his behavior impacted me, any of it.
That's what it means to be involved with someone who is selfish. I don't think we can or should brush it off so casually as just another thing about him. The fact that it's never manifested so extremely for you, that may just be an accident of circumstance, and who knows what you could expect from a future with him. And, the fact that you can romanticize it, see his being selfish and cold and narcissistic as desirable, that means that you, too, have doubts and insecurities about settling into a real, committed relationship with a genuine person. Read He's Scared, She's Scared, really. It was a revelation for me. I think you may find that you are attracted to impossible relationships, attracted to drama, afraid that a great, caring guy wouldn't want you with your flaws, don't want to be bored, any of a dozen different reasons that make us resistant to seeking out a fulfilling relationship based on reality rather than fantasy. I honestly think that's the only reason you could think your guy was "the one." I know it's the only reason I could think mine was.
Edited 6/26/2004 1:14 pm ET ET by milton333
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