Pain, pain, and more pain

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Registered: 06-25-2004
Pain, pain, and more pain
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:12pm
It's been 3 1/2 months since my 4 1/2 year relationship with Nick ended. We met in graduate school, nearly married, moved across the country together (after the wedding was cancelled), spent at least two years in couples counselling trying to hold ourselves together via the "conscious relationship" notion, and two months into the breakup, Nick informs me that he's "in a relationship" with one of his students--ten years younger than I am. As part of some warped nobility gene, he makes me listen to the details of the relationship (her name, how they discovered the attraction, whether they have slept together) just in case I should run into them somewhere in the metropolis of P. Naturally I freak out and say gadloads of regrettable things. Elan? Composure? Dignity? Gone forever in the annals of "conscious post-relationship". Still, after a week or so, I tearfully apologize for my behavior (this whole breakup has seen me shed 15 pounds and 40 gallons of tears--and it's only just begun), and find myself in a faux-romantic clinch with a 22-year-old of my own, who--as Sex and the City is my witness--came on to me.

Granted the sex was terrific and I lost the depression for two weeks or so, but in no way was I kidding myself that this tryst I was in was a "relationship". It's exceedingly difficult after being with someone you love for so long to not give your new sex-mate the same consideration you gave your ex, especially if looking back you felt that you were generous in the mix. But also, 22-year-olds lack the maturity that we older, sadder, wiser folks have. After two weeks I realized that I didn't want to be in the position of barely existing in someone else's emotional life, and I'm feeling very, very sad and vulnerable about the past relationship again.

How could Nick, after FOUR AND A HALF YEARS with me--WITH ME!!!--find someone he wants to stay with so soon? And why a naieve imp who can barely offer any intellectual/cultural challenge? I keep having these poisonous thoughts that conflict with the good feelings I had toward Nick--the feelings that kept me trying so hard to keep the relationship together. He used to be honest and generous and smart, and I know he still is; but this confirmation that I'm not worthy of his love and that the teacher's pet is (I wonder, does he spank her or diaper her?) (see? venom!), has me exhibiting some sort of obsessive turrett's syndrome. I feel violent and ill and sad and hurt, and sleeping with half the city will surely get me a host of diseases, but in theory, shouldn't it facilitate my moving on? I'm 32, have three fertile years left, feel robbed of the opportunity to have a family the way I want it; I've changed careers to appease Nick, I gave up privacy and concentrated reading (he always wanted to talk when I was deep in a book or writing a story or letter--now I've lost the habit completely (yes, even now I'm interrupted by cats trying to curl up on the keyboard)) and all this retaining of independence feels false to me.

In my perspective, anti-depressants are more costly to one's health than marijuana, though undoubtedly more legal. Still, should I take drugs of some sort to get through this? And for how long? And is he worth drugs? And how do I extrapolate from an affirmative answer that he's not worth suicide too? (Not to worry--it's not a threat or a consideration.)

To the 30 year old who's bemoaning his lost 22 year old--she's only 22. She's still in self discovery mode. It's not your fault--you found your model of happiness at 30, maybe she will too when she's 30. Maybe I will when I'm 60.

Lawyer gal, my heart goes out to you. Glad you have your property, and sorry I'm representing myself as a pathetic simp--it's merely how I'm feeling right now.