should I go to him? I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
should I go to him? I need advice
1
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 7:44pm
OK a little background:

When I was a sophomore in High school I started dating my ex-boyfriend and we dated up until January of this year, my sr. year of college. He is a year older than me and moved to Florida (I am from PA) with his family after he graduated high school. We dated for about six years 4 of them being long distance. It was hard but we tuffed it out and made plans for him to move here after he graduated college (he was a yr. behind so we both graduated this may). We also made plans to get married and start a family (thing sthat are very important to me bc I come from a broken home). However things got bad between us. Especially me but both were feeling a pull for independence. At times he could be controlling and jealous since he was so far and I was not the best girlfriend ever bc I would get frustrated that he was not always around. Most of our problems were over the phone but when we together we were so happy. Things got so bad over Christmas break that we decided to break up. He told me he was still planning on moving here and that we would go on a real date then and see what happened. We parted in tears saying our I love yous and promising to keep in touch.

I went back to college a mess but decided to make the best of it I started dating a new guy who new my situation and was very understanding. I was swept off my feet by having someone around all the time again. My ex and I kept in touch for a few months through email but then he stopped communicating to me because of his new girlfriend. I was very upset about not hearing from him and often cried when I wasn’t with my new BF.

I recently have moved back home and was unbelievably depressed because this is where me and my ex had spent most of our time ( he lived with me when he visited pa). My new boyfriend was now almost 2 hours away and I felt like I was right back where I had started. I had assumed my ex had moved here and had not called and it hurt my heart so bad. About a month ago he called me at 2 in the morning asking me to meet him. At first I said no but after he explained that he was not living here and just visiting for the weekend and was in fact leaving the next morning I agreed meet him. He told me that he was also unhappy and that even though he had a new girlfriend he to missed me and often wondered what it would be like if he lived here. We talked about how we were both sorry for how we treated each other at the end and that we were scared to get hurt again even though we loved each other. He told me his new gf would break up with him if she knew he was with me; I told him my bf knew where I was. My bf was not happy about it but again understanding almost to a fault. He left and promised to keep in touch.

I emailed him and he never got back to me. I was ok for a few weeks I got a “real job” and am planning on going to grad school but I am just not happy. This things are not my number one priority love is. I dream about him almost every night and constantly think of him. I emailed him two days ago and asked him to call me and to my surprise he did. He told me that he is not moving here bc he also got a good job. I told him how I felt and that I think that he feels the same and he did not deny it. I hinted that he should come here for a weekend so we could see if our feelings are true or if they are just left over from a long relationship. He said that he couldn’t do that to his gf. I asked him if it was bc he didn’t want to hurt her or if it was bc he loved her to much to hurt her, he answered simply that he didn’t want to hurt her and proceeded to tell me that if he broke up with her he would do it. He apologized for not keeping in touch and promised to email.

I am a mess about this. We are both sitting here in different states going with other people but loving each other. How is that right? I know that if he lived here we would be together. I don’t know what to do. I pray every night just to stop hurting. My current bf is great he borders on perfect and thinks the world of me but I can not give him my whole heart bc it still belongs to my ex. One of my friends has a friend down near my bf and told me to just call him and tell him I am coming to see him. I am scared that he is the “one” and we are gonna miss out because we are both to scared of being hurt. I am sick of letting distance and logic and what I “should” do rule my life, what about the heart and love? Help what do I do? Do I go down there? I can’t stop crying and my heart just hurts so badly. I have seen so many people miss put on things in there life bc they don’t do anything. Or am I just being dumb and setting myself up for more hurt? Advice needed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 1:48pm
I suggest you read the book He's Scared, She's Scared. Most of your relationship with this guy was long distance. 4 years of it. I have some doubts about LDRs, personally, because how much of what feels like a real relationship is actually there and how much derives from your fantasies, fantasies about brief encounters you have, fantasies about how great it will be some day when you're together. In fact, it's all fantasy - no one's dealing with food poisoning, or bad hair days, or embarassing body hair, or someone flirting with the bartender, or minor disagreements, or the daily grind that makes up the reality of actually being in a committed relationship, with all the compromises and mundane boring stuff that entails. The fact that you think you're madly in love with someone who lives in another state and whom you haven't seen that much of during the past 4 years, that suggests to me that you're in love with love, with the dream, with the fantasy. The fact that you're with a new long-distance guy just reinforces my belief that you've got problems with commitment. Now, you're young, so I think it's only reasonable to need some time and space to grow up and discover who you are. But I think your insistance that you want marriage and kids now, at 22, because you had a broken home, that's too *much* commitment, it's a sign you're looking for the fantasy of a relationship rather than accepting the reality of the compromises you'd make, and I think it's revealing that you keep picking guys who are too geographically distant to actually make your dream a reality. Read the book, I think you'll discover some things about yourself. But don't move for your ex (at least read the book first).