I need some advice....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
I need some advice....
1
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 8:09pm
So here's my story. Back in April my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. I was completely taken offguard by the whole thing. A week before he broke up with me He told me how much he loved me and how special I was and how sorry he was treating me like crap.things had been a little distant for few weeks but we both have school and what not to deal with so i thought all was back to normal. That week was great he was affectionate and as loving as normal. The day he broke up with me he called me up and invited me over for pizza and a movie. He spent the entire day hugging me and being all cuddly. That evening we went to a symphony performance and then went out to dinner with some friends after. He was affectionate and kissy the entire time. But when I dropped him off at home he broke up with me. In my car too! He never gave me a reason why. So I went the entire next week not knowing why and finally called him and told him we needed to talk. He told me that he had gone to a party and gotten really drunk and made out with another girl. He didn't have sex with her so I told him that was something I could deal with and had wished that he had told me. He said he did too and just needed some time to think because he felt like an ass everytime he looked at me. He told me that I was perfect and that he sometimes thought that I was "the one." He says that I'm too special to lose and that he wants to stay friends. I figured that he really did just need time to think. He had brought up marriage and kids so i figured he must love me and we just had this hurtle to jump over.

So weeks go by and he's completely ignoring me at school yet I'm hearing from people that he misses me and feels we'll get back together. So I go up to him

and ask him. He tells me yeah he misses me, but he doesn't want to feel like that again. And I'm like, feel like what??? So he tells me that he only loved me half the time, that there were days I was the world to him and then the next he wasn't sure if he loved me. He said that seeing me at school was enough for him and he felt like he couldn't get away from me because people would ask him how i was doing when he was off doing something without me. He said that there were times when he couldn't stand to be around me.

So its been a few months and I've been battling with guilt and lonliness and many people have told me that I deserve better and that I should just forget about him. Even a professor we both had went up to my parents and told them that I deserve better. I have an online journal that I write in everyday and last week he left posts on my journal every day. Nothing big. Just messages like all my other friends leave. Now this week he has IMed me twice. Just to talk. The normal "hi how ya doing, what are you up to?" Yesterday he was telling me about the car he just bought (his first) and said that he should come and show me after he gets it running. Now I don't know what to think. I really miss him and want him back. Is he just trying to be my friend or what? I don't know what to do. Should I try just being friends with him, or should I jst cut all contact. We're both young. I'm 24 and he's 23, so maybe he just got scared and thats why he ran away. I don't know. But I still can't picture myself with anyone else. He was "the one" for me. I am so crushed. I can't go a day without thinking abut him. I just don't know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 12:23am
Hi

Here's the deal. You want him to be your bf, but he doesn't. He wants to be friends, which would allow him to hang out with you whenever he fells like it, call you whenever he wants, and do whatever he wants. If he was your bf he would have to commit, and he does not want to commit to you. In this way, he won't have to deal with any character flaws you have. A person that wants to be with you, will try to accept these flaws, so you should let this guy go, because he is not willing to do that.

You wrote:

"He said that seeing me at school was enough for him and he felt like he couldn't get away from me because people would ask him how i was doing when he was off doing something without me. He said that there were times when he couldn't stand to be around me."

OK, listen, this guy is no good for you, because someone who can't stand to be around you, does not love you. Seeing you at school is enough for him, it's the same as if he said he likes being friends with you, but he would never take you home, to spend any time with you outside of school. That would require effort and caring, he is not willing to do that.


I think you should make it very clear to him that his mind games are hurting you, and you cannot be friends with him right now because you have feelings for him still. Tell him you need space to move on with your life and you may be friends in the future, but not now.

Trust me, the less contact you have with him, the more likely he will become more interested in your life. Don't beg, or ask him to get back together either, because he will only move away from you further. Don't jump at the first occasion when he shows any interest in you, because he likes playing games.

Remember if he does want to get back together, he knows where to find you, and if he says so at some point, he has to win back your trust, which was broken when he broke up with you. For now, he is not doing anything in that direction, so tell him you are moving on and do not want to have any contact with him. This is for your own protection and well being, believe me.

Do not call him, do not talk to him. He is ignoring you, so you ignore him right back. DO IT! Show him he means nothing to you, he doesn't exist for you, just like you don't for him. He likes the fact you pay so much attention to him, stop it right now.

If he comes back eventually, he will decide it on his own. If he doesn't, at least you will have moved on and not bother with this guy again.