I've reached a dead end

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
I've reached a dead end
2
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 1:43pm
My relationship of one year with a guy I truly love is coming to an end. After many hours of crying, talking to friends about him, and reading books, I realize that this guy cannot be who he used to be in the beginning; he is a true-blue non-committer.

Around this time last year, I met my boyfriend and he was smitten instantly. He was telling me how much he loved me, how he never had these feelings before, and constantly obsessed about having me for a wife one day; he even went as far as to buy me a diamond promise ring, and believe it or not we were engaged for a very brief amount of time.

After about 6 months of bliss, I ran into troubles with my two best friends from high school, and the friendships ended and will never develop again, thanks to all the fuss my boyfriend gave me which caused them to become very envious and jealous of me. (how ironic-the best guy ended up being the worst). And so, for the past few months him and I have been together, but he's been needing more and more space. Currently, we see each other a couple times a week for a few hours here and there, and we rarely speak on the phone anymore.

At this point in my life, I am absolutely devestated and feel abandonded. Abandoned by old friends, and abandoned by a guy who I thought the world of. I have to accept that not only do I have to let this guy I love go, but also the hopes and dreams that he made me believe would someday come true. I realize that I need to be strong and move on from this guy because he can bring me nothing but tears, but I find it to be extremely hard for me to move on, considering I don't have a set group of friends who I can hang out with whenever and who will support me.

Currently, I am still seeing this guy, and we are still considered bf/gf, but it is on his terms only. My guess is that part of him wants me and part of him wants to be free, and because I'm not strong enough, I'm giving him everything he is asking for-and in the meantime am hurting myself even deeper. All I could ask for right now is a group of girl friends who I could hang out with, talk to, and who could support me through this. I don't know how to move on knowing that I'm going to have so much free time on my hands to think about him while he is always busy. This guy has done nothing but made my life full of heartache and pain, and I don't know which way to go. Either way is painful...and I need to improve my social life and myself.

I'm sorry this email is so long-I just have to get my thoughts written down...also, if anyone is from the Philadelphia area and would like to hang out sometime, let me know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 3:11pm
You know what you have to do, you know he has a serious problem with commitment (you're right - coming on strong in the beginning and then needing tons of space, that's classic), you know that however much you love him, he has to want things to be different, and he just doesn't. He'd rather indulge his anxiety about commitment than prioritize your relationship. That's not going to change if he thinks there's nothing wrong with it. So, it is time to move on.

Now, I know this is fresh and tender and it's hard to hear advice from people a bit farther down the road with the breakup. But it is a lot healthier to be out of a painful relationship, and you will be a lot happier. You can't imagine it now, and you will probably go through an intense period of unhappiness that feels like hell, but you will emerge and feel so much better about yourself for having the strength to take care of yourself and get out of a destructive and demeaning relationship.

I hear a very prevalent myth in your message, though - you do not need some group of very close girl friends to get through this okay. That just isn't true, and it's definitely not an excuse to stick around and postpone ending it. Look, the reality is that, as we get older, more involved with our careers, and more likely to be coupled up and even married, most of us just don't have a group of slumber party best friends to cry every night with. It's a fantasy, it's Friends, it's Sex and the City. But it's not even necessary. The real work of getting over this disappointment is in your head. You'll listen to sappy songs, read poetry, watch sad movies, cry. You'll take long walks and join new clubs and take classes. You'll go out dancing with friends, but you probably won't spend 5 nights a week crying in their arms. Sometimes, you'll get an opportunity to talk with friends about your heartache, but, frankly, most folks not going through their own breakup have kind of a limited patience for hearing your tales of woe. So post here on the board, where folks know what you're going through. And understand that the image of great girl friends who help us survive this, that's kind of a myth TV has put out there, most people don't have that kind of intense support network, and get through this just fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 5:28pm
Hi,

I hear you on this one. It is a really strange feeling to read a post like yours, because I was so in your place in the very recent past. My ex was the same. Came on extremely strong and then freaked. but strung me along for a long time after he freaked (like 6 months). I did the whole "technically bf/gf" thing -- ALL on his terms. he got as much space as he needed, and i was always there for him when he was having a spell where he wanted to be close. when we broke up i spent several weeks being his best friend/confidante/f**k buddy. Part of him wanted me, part of him wanted to be free (like you said) and i just took what i could get, even though I was aware it was "only hurting me deeper." (I don't think i realized the extent of how deeply it had hurt me til i started getting out though.)

And, like you, I do not have a network of girlfriends. And I thought that without one, I just couldn't do it, couldn't deal with the free time, couldn't deal with the aloneness, and that was one of the biggest justifications i had in my head for putting up with the whole mess. i just thought there was no way i could do it unless i had some support crew 24/7 helping me through it.

Well I totally agree with Milton that that network of gfriends is not a reality after a certain age. How old are you? I'm 24. I've always had a network of girlfriends til now. I lived in a frickin "ecofeminism" themed honor house my last year of college with 8 women. always had a lot of gals around to talk and gossip with. But life changes and people grow up. I started grad school last fall in a small religious town where almost everyone my age is married. I have one girlfriend, but she's married so we're not super close. The rest are guys, drinking buddies basically, who i am actually kind of close to (I've known them all since middle school, i moved back to my hometown), but they're also close to my ex (who met them after i'd moved away). so talking to them about any of my issues w/ him is absolutely out of the question, obviously. I work with people quite a bit older than me, all married or living with someone. They don't go out very often.

OK maybe that was too much background, but the POINT I wanted to make was that even though I desperately wanted the shoulder of a close friend to cry on through my breakup, I didn't have one, and I'm still doing ok, and I am SO SO SO SO much better off than I was trying to keep a relationship alive with an ex who grew increasingly indifferent to me. All I can say is I learned to enjoy evenings alone. I have little rituals, like aromatherapy bubble baths, or cooking fancy meals or desserts just for myself, or a nightcap of frangelico, that make me happy. It's important to indulge yourself with things even if you don't have someone to share them with, to just get used to the idea of creating your own happiness, concentrating on what's good for you, what makes you feel good about yourself. And I go out with the guys every now and then if the ex isn't with them. and every couple weeks I hang out with the people i work with, even though they're kind of boring, and sometimes my married girlfriend can tear herself away from her new husband to hang out with me, and I have bowling league once a week, and I'm going on a date next week, and life goes on. I spend a lot of time alone, but I've learned to enjoy it, and it was only after accepting that aloneness that I realized I actually do have a lot of social stuff going on, even if it's not a "support network." Oh and I have a cat. Do you have a pet? That helps.

All that said, I know you're hurting. I just reread my journal this morning, the weeks where I was going what you are going through. It was hell. I felt helpless, so caught up in him, still hoping and depending on the idea that he really loved me deep down and could show me. but feeling emptier and emptier and less secure. not myself at all. I PROMISE YOU, the moment you just give up, that's when it all starts to change and you will never feel as low again. I know it's the scariest thing in the world and easier said than done. But the helpless feeling vanishes, and while I have still been very sad and lonely and had some really pathetic relapses (if you are ever at a party that he is at do NOT, i repeat, do NOT drink a drop of alcohol!!!), I have NEVER felt as bad again as I did during that time when I was still clinging to my hopes and expectations of him, when i knew deep down it was dead, over. It feels so much better when you let go.

But it took me time and some painful experiences to let go. I hope you handle all this better than I did. I mean I pretty much stayed caught up in it til the bitter end, til the point when it was so bad I just snapped. And didn't want to be part of it anymore. I regret that. I wish I'd cut myself off sooner, saved some pain and preserved some dignity. But it was only my 2nd relationship, and my first was very positive, so I just wasn't very smart. Sometimes it's hard to listen to advice when you haven't experienced the negative outcomes of certain decisions. But, yeah, to reiterate, I hear you, and you will be ok, and I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now.