falling into a jealousy trap

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
falling into a jealousy trap
3
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 8:12pm
Please help, I know I should not care and be able to snap out of this, but I let myself fall into a jealousy tailspin! I'm feeling really unreasonable, it's pretty bad, knee jerk reaction sort of stuff. Last night I was going to hang out with some friends, but by the time I called them back, my ex was there, so I didn't go. This morning I stopped by their house to say hi, and my ex's bike was still there. My friend said the ex had left after I called, heard he was there, and said I wasn't going to come over. He said he had some stuff to do, but if his bike's still there I assume he went to the bar across the street and for some reason didn't go back for his bike (which is weird, he always rides his bike even when completely trashed and it's a fairly long way to walk to his house). So I'm convinced he went home with someone from the bar. Although it's quite possible he didn't (this is a REALLY trashy bar, and he's pretty damn finicky when it comes to women), or maybe he went to a guy friends' house to drink more or something. But I can't get the idea that he got it on with some girl out of my head.

I shouldn't care. Even if he did, I think I can be pretty sure he didn't meet the love of his life there. But it feels like betrayal. The rational part of me is being overruled by the knee-jerk reaction of...how could he do that? picturing him with some girl. being able to block me out in a way that I still can't block him out. I actually had a moment where I almost went over to his house and asked him, thank god that passed and I didn't.

It's all about my fragile little ego. I know he's not good for me, and I'm glad I'm not with him anymore. I don't even want to be with him anymore. But I want to think of myself as someone impossible to get over. It's like I always thought his feelings were strong enough for me that he wouldn't be able to get it on with someone else. The first time I asked him if we were going to be exclusive, he wouldn't *commit* (duh) to it, but said he wasn't capable of hooking up with other girls because of me. but he couldn't AGREE to it, make it binding. Even after the break up i guess i thought that attitude carried over, since his affection for me always skyrockets after we break up. I'll admit that skyrocketing level of affection for me is a large part of what keeps me going staying away from him, knowing he wants me more, which is so so sick. as is thinking he's not capable of hooking up with other girls because of me, even after we've broken up, so silly.

Now I also think it feels like a contest to see who can get over the other one enough to be able to get it on with someone else, a race (i think someone else posted that). I feel too broken and scared and just generally a mess to even flirt lately, though I'm going on a date next week, we'll see if I can pull that off. But really, the only reason I'm even excited for this date is coz I'm hoping my ex will know about it. So sick. So sick. someone talk some sense into me please, I realize i'm in a really ridiculous mindset right now. jealousy is so destructive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 10:53pm
Starshaped - it's ok!!

I am stuck in the jealousy trap as well. Unfortunately for you, it sounds like you guys have some mutual friends so sometimes you will hear (and see) what he is up to, even if it's something totally innocent and boring. I have that same issue with my ex - so sometimes I hear he was at a party or went to lunch with someone I know. It irks me! Immediately I go into a tail spin of 'what ifs'... What if he met a girl at the party? What if he has a crush on our friend he went to lunch with? I become extremely irrational and pathetic!!

The truth - you have to completely cut him out. Don't talk to your friends about him. Do a pre-emptive and ask them to not mention him to you at all. Try to avoid all contact, visual or verbal. And don't talk to him!!

I unfortunately talked to my ex Friday night. He said he was going to Philly with his buddies - you know, to drink, to hang out, go to bars and clubs... My plans? I had a date with another guy. Well, let me tell you something - contest or no contest who can move on the fastest - as long as you know he's going out and you still long after him - it won't matter if you are going on a date with Tom Cruise. You will wonder what he is doing ALL NIGHT LONG.

This date that you have coming up - if you are only going so that the ex will find out, you won't have a good time. You can't let him control you like that. You can't let him have that much power!!

Trust me, I went out with a guy for a few dates - but I wasn't over my ex, so all the times I was with the new guy, i was thinking about ex.

Do yourself a favor, from now until your date, try not to obsess over the ex. Make an effort, and then give yourself the opportunity to go out and have fun and do it not to get back at your ex.... Buy a super cute outfit and ENJOY!!!!!

Remember - AMF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 11:10pm
Yes the green-eyed moster is pretty distructive...I will have to agree!! I think you need to quit driving yourself crazy jumping to conclusions. Maybe he heard you had called and didn't come over because he was there so he left the bike there to upset you and make you think he went across the st and went home with some bimbo or just to keep you from having fun with your friends. The possiblities are endless and you're going to drive yourself insane thinking it to death.













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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 2:57am
Thanks Malena,

Yeah it's SO much better not knowing. Because if you don't know you can still sit back and tell yourself all this stuff like he's not capable of being in the kind of relationship i want so it doesn't matter, etc etc etc. it's all intellectual and rational. but when you see some evidence of a possible romantic encounter, it can easily turn into pure adrenalin or something, it's like the jealousy takes over. I've got to work on creating some sort of scenario where I can block out all knowledge of him. it's kind of tricky....i guess i haven't asked my friends not to mention him because i feel like i would be breaking some taboo where i don't admit i'm upset about him, in the interests of not seeming like i want anyone to take sides. But after my jealous obsessive day today, i think it's worth asking them to try to not bring him up around me. stumbling across his bike this morning was kind of random though. well s**t happens.

I did manage to calm down somewhat, spent the day with my younger brother, who is a godsend to me here. he's really understanding and non-lecturing, but he actually got really angry when i was telling him some of the stuff that's gone on with my ex and gave me a pretty big lecture on not letting him get to me. somehow i think family is the best thing to rely on through this, if you have it (and i don't besides this brother), because they've known you your whole life and know what you're really like when you're not a basketcase because of some stupid boy and they feel protective of you. I don't know, that just really helped today.

And yeah I need to psych myself up for this date, because he is a really cool guy who i kind of flirted with awhile ago when i was still dating my ex, but stopped because of the ex, and now i guess i have a 2nd chance. and i don't want to blow it.

Now that I'm calmer, I actually would be really surprised if my ex picked up a girl at that bar, for a variety of reasons which I don't need to describe here. but it doesn't really matter, because i think it is only a matter of time before he does hook up with someone. He needs me to feel caught up in him still, or his ego suffers and he gets scared. He can sense me backing away and I think that has put him in a fairly vulnerable and volatile state. He is such a control freak, I think sensing that I am moving beyond the power he used to have over me is really freaking him out, and I bet he's going to want to get reassurance from other women while also getting me back and proving something to me. So I think it's good for me to face that now, just assume he's going to do this, because of what I know about him, and do everything I can to assure that I don't know when, where, and with whom. Because I think the details would undo me.