Trying Again - Am I Crazy????
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| Mon, 06-28-2004 - 9:09am |
I told my ex I would give it another shot... Not a full on relationship at first, but I told him I would not date anyone else and we could just go on dates with each other, maybe just a couple of times a week for a while and see how we do.
I figure since I can't seem to get over him and vice versa and now that we've had everything out in the open (discussion wise) that it couldn't hurt... I promised myself that I would work on my jealousy issues, he said he will introduce me to his dad in August and that he will give me all of his passwords and never do anything online again.
Sounds good, right? I might be dillusional. He is having dinner with a female friend of ours (more his than mine) Wednesday night. This is a girl who tried to sleep with him 3 years ago before we started going out and then has slept with many guys in our office. I am jealous already....

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What's to stop him from coming up with other passwords and email accounts? I don't buy that he's going to stop that activity so easily either.
Remember, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. I don't think you have "jealousy" issues, I think you have legitimate reasons not to trust him.
Sheri
I agree with you. He did agree to go to counseling with me.
M :)
Sheri
I feel your emotions right now, my ex called yesterday to ask me out to dinner (probably had a bad online date in the afternoon)luckely I had plans to go to the movies with friends, & said no but nicely. The temptation is there because 3 years ago he hooked me in. So now he is an addiction for me. One day at a time I'm trying. I believe my ex needs a sex & love addicts meeting & I probably need a co-dependent meeting. I know how hard it must be for you.
I have no idea how I would respond to this. It sounds like he's said everything you needed him to say, he's going to try, going to work at it, etc etc etc. If my ex did that, I don't know what I'd do. I mean, of course that is still kind of my fantasy, him coming round and saying he wants to work on being together. But I honestly can't think of any way he could convince me that he would actually be able to sustain a loving two-way relationship for an even slightly prolonged period of time, no matter how loving and close he might appear at certain moments. What did your ex say/do to convince you he meant it? From your posts, your ex just sounds kind of manipulative. Do you really, deep down, think he is going to change? I know the possibility and potential of that is so alluring, I bet you want to at least FIND OUT, but do you think it's likely? I guess it's a good sign that he's willing to take all these steps, but yeah, if you're going to do this, I would definitely take it SUPER slow and keep your feelings out as much as possible til you actually see some changes. I think someone on this board (maybe northwestwanderer?) said something along the lines of it's usually a better idea for the conflicted one in the relationship to work out their problems on their own and THEN think about rekindling something. I think that's wise advice. But whatever you do, just be careful!! It's just so scary to think of letting down all those carefully constructed walls that keep you from being hurt by him. Don't let them down too fast!
See..... already I'm having second thoughts. Someone shoot me please. What have I done to myself? What am I doing to myself?????? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like you are already having some MAJOR doubts, which means it is time to STEP BACK and remove yourself from teh situation. If you are to move ahead with this relationship in a way that is healthy for both of you you need to progress at a pace that feels good and safe and in which you feel strong and in control.
You are not showing much of that right now.
Look, i think all those of us who have had someone break their heart dream about havign him/her 'come around' and want us back. But you HAVE to remind yourself of what went wrong and why. AND those issues and problems need to be dealt with BEFORE you begin a relationship again wiht this person.
REmember the ONLY way this could possibly work is if it is an ENTIRELY NEW and DIFFERENT relationship from the one you were in before. Because that one did not work. If you are both at the same place, it won't last.
If you both feel you are willing to put in the time and effort, I suggest you take some time off for yourselves right now, he needs counselling (i think, can't remember what the main issues were) and if you are innately a jealous person, you also need to get over it. But you need to work on yourselves to be better people because the people you were the last time around, were not compatible.
I'm sory to sound harsh but if you put it in real terms where you can visualize the situation it sometimes makes it easy to sort out. Please take time to heal and get over him and then decide if you want to be with a person like that. You are still vulnerable and could make it even more painful for yourself! Get healed, get strong, enjoy your freedom, and move on!
I'm going to say something my romantic heart would never have considered a couple of years ago, when I first met the guy I thought was my Mr. Right. Some people just can't work out together in the long run. Not because "it wasn't meant to be," not because of the intervention of fate, but because they have incompatible personalities and expectations of a relationship. And the rush of infatuation leads too many people to intentionally overlook and disregard red flags that mature into unresolvable incompatibility problems. Some people will continually butt heads, distrust each other, fight about the same issues, etc. Could these people, theoretically, completely overhaul themselves to be different people in a dozen ways? I guess, but has that happened in the couple of months since you left this guy? No, it has not. It is absolutely possible to love someone completely who is completely bad for you. It is possible (in fact, very likely) to be magnetically drawn to hopeless relationships where there's always just some obstacle to overcome and then everything will be perfect, where there's always something just off. Some people have a chemical reaction to each other that may create sexual tension and emotional highs and lows, but prevents real compatibility.
Look, good, healthy, happy relationships aren't that complicated. In fact, they're pretty boring. If you have a laundry list of issues, if it feels like there's tons of drama and excitement, if there's jealousy and intrigue, spying on each other, swearing oaths to change, making promises and letting each other down, breaking up and reuniting several times, it's just not a good relationship. Period. A healthy loving relationship is pretty placid, it is calm and comfortable, it would not be the makings of an episode of Sex and the City. The fact that you're drawn to the drama, it shows that you yourself are not ready for a serious, committed relationship that has a snowball's chance of actually working in the long run (see prior comments about passive CP). You're in love with a guy who does not respect you, who may not ever marry you because of cultural differences, who actively fears commitment, and who brings out the worst aspects of your personality and has had you on an emotional rollercoaster for years now.
I have no doubt you have intense feelings for this guy. But feelings are mindless creatures, and you cannot blindly surrender your life to them. The fact that you feel something for him doesn't mean anything, it doesn't prove this is some great love, it just means you're a bit of a dreamer and will gladly surrender to impulsive feelings. Real loving relationships are a combination of feelings of love, attraction, fondness, exasperation, and a mental awareness of your areas of compatibility. Good couples who can make it work for the long haul can tell you how and why, in concrete terms, they work together, and feelings aren't the whole story.
Yes, there is the siren song of love. But your ex acts in ways that make you jealous, and, frankly, you both get off on the excitement of it. He's sneaking around, even if he's not "actually" cheating, however you define it, he has a pattern of doing it purposefully. And you have a pattern of chasing after him, seeking reassurance, revelling in the whole dysfunctionality of it. Look, my ex was a normal guy in most ways. But he didn't hide things from me. I knew he had a porn collection, and that he sometimes surfed the web for it. I know that he never targeted specific people to correspond with, because that crosses a line between liking to look at naked girls sometimes and developing a relationship of some kind with them. Everyone knows that, your ex's behavior was wrong by anyone's standards, and you know it, too. You're right, dinner with this girl is not a good sign, not what a repentent, madly in love guy determined never again to lose your trust would be doing.
He's already testing his boundaries. You're both commitment phobes, the minute you've agreed to get back together he's out pushing at the boundaries and you're having buyer's remorse. I don't think the two of you work as a couple, not at this point in your lives, maybe not ever, no matter how much you love him. If you had strictly enforced no contact and had gotten some distance and perspective on the breakup, you'd be in a better place to look dispassionately at his flaws and how you bring out the worst in each other, and would realize that you do not want to return to that. When you dreamed about how the big love of your life would be, did it even remotely resemble this? You've described him to a bunch of strangers, and they've all said he's bad news. Why don't you see what is so obvious to everyone else? And, sweetie, you can't really mean it when you say that "it couldn't hurt." Of couse it can hurt, and load you up with more baggage, and what happens when you two are looking at your 5th breakup? When is enough enough?
Am I attracted to the drama? I wouldn't doubt it. (I have theater class in NYC on Wednesday night, too, so maybe I can get my fill there.) You are right, our relationship totally consists of us expressing this undying love for each other when we are apart and then when we get back together, like now - his going to dinner with this girl - it's a big let down... He doesn't even act like he has to be with me now that he finally got what he wants!
I hope all of you other girls who have been dumped are reading these posts between Milton and myself. As you can see, this is the perfect example of why you should move on and not stay focus and attached to what you thought may have been good in your relationship with your ex. Please everyone, run and run fast! Don't look back and don't go back, not if it wasn't good for you. Please look at me as the poster child for the "Push and Pull" game.
And Milton, I'm a committment phobe? I'm really not too surprised... I guess. I don't know. I wasn't always that way. I was married when I was 21 and divorced by 23, but we were together for 7 years total and the divorce was mutual, mostly on his side. Could this be true? I'm going to need help now...
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