Breakup inevitable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Breakup inevitable?
5
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 1:01pm
In 2 weeks, my boyfriend of 9 months is moving to NC for a great new job. We live, separately, in MA and are in our 20s (me) and 30s (him). We have a really fun, enjoyable and caring relationship but are at an inbetween stage. We're exclusive and comfortable, but we haven't said we loved each other, and we haven't talked "future" at this point. There's been no real need for it - we get along great and have a wonderful time together, we've felt no pressure to make big steps forward.

But now, with his move, I feel like a breakup is inevitable, and I'm really sad about it. We've decided to stay together and "see what happens" but we both know the future is not very bright with distance that has no end in sight. I think we both realize that while our bond is enjoyable and fun, it may not be strong enough at this point to survive the distance. We're not at the level where me moving to be with him would be a good choice - we're just not ready for a step that large. I so enjoy him and being with him and I know that distance will be so hard, but we still may likely fizzle. I want to give it a shot and see if it can work. I think we owe it to ourselves and our relationship not to just give up. He agrees. But when I think about how it will be and how things will go, I imagine us drifting, he busy with his new career and life and me just having to keep going and live my life. It seems like trying it out, and weaning off each other, is a likely way to go.

I'm trying to be realistic, rather than anything else. But I feel hopeless and sad, like this relationship is just doomed. With the distance, it seems like my new long distance relationship may turn into the longest breakup.

Has anyone experienced something like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 1:55pm
I'm afraid I haven't experienced anything like you are going to go through but it sounds like you are very level-headed and realistic. You are aware that he is going for a job related reason, he will definately miss your friendship, and maybe with a separation he/you will realize that you really are "in love" with eachother. I'm sure that you will plan visits when possible and that will be the best guage of discovering if you are able to continue to live apart or if you want to take your relationship further. You also realize, rightly, that at first he will be very busy with the move and new job. That isn't to say that he won't think of you as often as he has prior to the move. He just may not have the time or energy to respond to you as quickly as you would like. Be patient and positive! Remember this saying: Don't cry because it's over......smile because it happened! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 8:09pm
Yup, I've been exactly through that. Well, I guess I was maybe a little more serious than you when we moved apart, had been dating not quite 2 yrs. But yeah, we were by no means at a point where we were ready to move to be with each other. had to go our own ways, even though we loved each other, just weren't ready to make those kind of sacrifices yet. We decided to play it by ear. We kept it together for about 3 months. sorry to be pessimistic. i started dating someone (the ex i write about on here), so did he. Actually I still talk to him a lot, but I don't think we'll ever end up moving again to be together. I still miss him though. It's hard, but it's definitely easier than being broken up with someone who's still in your life, trust me. Not to cheapen your pain, but that's about the easiest sort of breakup I can imagine: you separate with feelings still between you, both still feeling loved and accepted, and then you both just get on with your lives, without ever having to run into each other or have huge fights after you try to be friends, etc etc etc. And it's a cliche, but if you're both still very into each other after a long time apart, then you'll get back together. If not, you've saved yourself the sort of pain a lot of breakups entail.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:41am
Thank you both, for your kind words. I appreciate it.

I am trying to enjoy our time now and not be sad, but it is difficult. I can't change the fact that he is leaving, no matter how upset I get. I am glad that we will try and not just give up - I think that, at least, is valiant. I will miss him dearly - I already do now because he is stressed and tired and nervous about the move and new job, he just doesn't have the focus on us. I feel very lonely, already. It is hard knowing in another few weeks I just won't be seeing him, that he won't be there. I can't stop by his house after the gym, I won't see him every weekend, I can't go over when I need to get out of my apartment. I have friends and hobbies, but he's been such a big part of my life, it will be an unwelcomed adjustment not to have him. And as I'm sure you both, and others on this board have and are experiencing, knowing I won't have him physically supporting and being there is hard. I won't be able to hold his hand or fall asleep with him.

You are right, if it has to end, at least it will on a good note. I'd hate for us to be bitter or angry after such an enjoyable and fun relationship. We will email and talk and I will go visit, but I know he will be busy and that our contact may not be as frequent.

These things happen, and I know it will get easier, but right now it feels pretty bad.

Thanks again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:15pm
Welcome to the board!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:10pm
You will be fine soon because you are already facing your fears. By doing that you are taking the pain head on and dealing with it. Good for you!! That is so healthy!! I know it's hard to be with him now knowing that soon you won't have him physically in your life but enjoy the time you have and make the memories of your time together the best you can. Take pictures of the things you two love to do and get doubles made so you can make an album for him to take with him. Let him know that you will miss him and that you feel blessed that he was in your life and that you will always cherish the relationship. Some people come into our lives for a reason or a season. Feel free to let all of your sadness come out here and post whenever you need to. Give him the gift of your positive self.