Howcan i have NC if theres a need for it

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Howcan i have NC if theres a need for it
7
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 3:18pm
Alright, so, since my ex and i broke up about 2 months ago, i've managed somehow to stick to the "no contact thing" for the most part, except for the occasional break down.. but for the past 2 weeks i've been good, haven't emailed him, haven't called him, haven't IM him, and haven't taken any lil detours past his house on my way home from work.

BUT, recently, I got a job offering, and this is something i applied for when we were still together (it's a long process). anyways, long story short, they have to do and are in the process of doing my background investigation. And seeing as how i gave them the info at the time, that i was dating travis, and blah blah, then i went into the background interview now telling them we broke up and he moved out... they're really looking into that. They wanted to know why, how, who did it, etc. They wouldn't take "it just wasn't working" for an answer. So i had to spill the beans on how travis didnt think we'd work out because he wasn't "hearing wedding bells, getting dizzy or feeling butterflies" for me after 9 months. First, the investigator rolled his eyes, then he chuckled. (that made my day), anyhow, he then went on to ask for travis's info, and how he could get ahold of him, and that chances are, he'll be in contact with him to question him about me (like what kind of person i am, blah blah).

So, I told the guy i wasn't really comfortable with him doing that because I haven't talked to travis in a while. I didn't really have a choice. Ok fine. So breaking my no contact rule, i contacted travis via msn (after i unblocked and re added him again). I explained what went down, and that he shouldn't be freaked out if he gets a call from this investigator. Well, he freaked out on me. So we've been talking for the past few days, he keeps asking me how the jobs going, if i got it, what i'll be doing, etc. He's taken an interest in this all of a sudden, when, we were dating, he couldnt care less (or so it seemed.) so until this "investigtion" is over i can't really seem to stop talking to him... i dont know what else to do. they may not even contact him, but if they do, i'd like to know, and i thought he should know that i released his information to them.

help! i was so close to erasing him from my everyday thoughts. :|

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 4:23pm
That's going to create a tough situation for you, I can see that!

But, um, why does a hiring person need to know the 'details' of your break up and contact him? This all seems SUPER intrusive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 4:35pm
yikes! this is a tight spot for you to be in. although i agree with malena--why the heck does the person you're hiring need to know the intimate details of yoru break up? and why cant a close friend or family member provide a character reference, why does it have to be your ex?

it sounds to me like you're being mature about it, just telling him not to be alarmed if he gets a call from an investigator about you. the thing is, as hard as its going to be for you, it might not help you to re initiate contact from this point forward. once yous tart working at this job, you shoudl go back to the no contact. like you said, when you're out of contact you're getting better and better at not driving past his house, not im'ing him, not thinking about him and moving forward with your life. my ex and i were no contact from day 2 of our break up, and although i'd constantly read his profile, his livejournal, etc, it helped me sooo much that we havent spoken. i feel SO much better than i ever did, and although i still think about him all the time its MUCH less painful. a coupla times 2 weeks ago i really slipped up and read the livejournal, and i started thinking about him again, reopening the wounds...my point is, no contact of any kind is key.

yo'ure in a situation here where you need him to be civil to you so you guys can deal with this reference business at work. once thast done though, the ex needs to be out of your life. as much as he may be taking an interest right now in what you're doing, and he's being kind and frinedly, it's ultimately detrimental to your well being to reinvest yourself in this person. your ex, like my ex, is a decent guy who really removed you from his life for no tangible reason. in that way its not suprising that he's still got residual feelings, he still wants to talk, he cares about you, etc. but for yourself, you must let go and move foward. this is a bit of a detour but dont fall back into this pit. keep posting here. once the job stuff is squared away remove him AGAIN from the msn messenger and return to doing what you've been doing all this time.

good luck with the new job by the way, hope this helped a bit!

xoxoxo,

ace

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 4:52pm
If this is a government clearance thing, this might be reasonable, I suppose. I'd guess they're probably interested in whether you broke up because you were a drug addict, or physically abusive, or something bizarre like that. They're not going to care if he doesn't think too highly of you, you're broken up, that's to be expected. I'm not sure why you need continued contact with him, though. He wanted to know what the deal was, you told him, stop taking his calls. Unless you have something you're hoping he'll help you hide or think he's petty enough to try to sabotage your chances by lying, I'm not sure that you have to hold his hand and flatter him with attention until the investigation is over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 5:52pm
you're right, its actually for the city. the position is with the police department, so this hefty background investigation is to be expected, and can't be avoided.

And you're right, i dont have to hold his hand through this, but knowing him, being the stupid male he is, if i didnt fore warn him, he definetely would have freaked out wondering why the police are calling, he probably would have thought i called them on HIM for some stupid reason! he's just not too bright. the reason why he broke up with me says it all. he's not realistic. so i don't know how "mature" he'll come across to these officers... and the last thing i need is for him to say something stupid. I'm not sure what, but you'd be amazed what comes out of his mouth at times. I guess i just want to make sure he's not gonna screw this up for me in some shape or form. although he told me one reason for the break up, he might tell the investigator another, ya know? thats all. thats the only reason i'm keeping in very SMALL "contact" with him until i know they're done with it. and the minute i find out they're finished, he's blocked and deleted again :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 4:12pm
you did the right thing honey. do what you have to do and then let go and keep posting and we'll help you get through

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 10:09pm
I don't see where your personal love life should matter in a job interview...whether it be a government job or not. I think those questions were top personal and I'd probably report it. This line of investigating goes way beyond a simple background check. And why would they go to an ex to find out what kind of person you are?? Most ex's have nothing good to say...even if they're way off base.

In the meantime I'd be civil to Travis so he doesn't blow it for you but would keep all conversations short.

Good luck!














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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 10:25am
No legitimate "job" questions things like this or invesigates things like this.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com