We broke up- I'm looking for support

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
We broke up- I'm looking for support
5
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 10:22pm
Well, my bf and I have been together for a little over 3.5 years. I'm 22 and he's 28. The main issue in our relationship was my lack of trust for him (with good reason) and him getting annoyed with my checking up on him. About a year or so ago, I found out that he has subscribed to an online dating site. He was checking his email when he was sitting next to me and I saw it on the screen. I questioned it and he denied. I had him open the email, and sure enough, it was a user name and password. Once he fessed up, he said he was just curious, and that he wasn't planning on talking to anyone. All through our relationship, we've had communication problems as well, which doesn't help. I always want to talk about things right away, and he doesn't want to talk right away, if at all. That drove me nuts. Well, this past weekend, he was to call me when he get out of a concert so I could meet up with him and his friends, and he didn't call. I called him, and when he called back, he said he was drunk and forgot, and never showed up at my apartment that night (he left a message on my phone telling me this, but I was already asleep. This was the second time that week, which hasn't happened since I moved out on my own). The next day he came over, he was taking a nap and I looked through his cellphone (when the online dating thing happened, he told me I could check his phone, email, whatever it took for me to trust him). Well, when I questioned phone calls he made to his friends after the concert, he got mad about me checking his phone. It was all downhill from there. He left my apartment ticked off, and then he came over tonight to pick up his things. I asked where we were left, and he said the relationship wasn't working. I told him he was right, and that I couldn't be in a relationship with a man I couldn't trust. He said "That says it all right there". He swore he hasn't done anything since then, and that he really regreted ever doing that. I asked where it left us, and he said that he can't imagine having me as anything less than a bestfriend. Does this ever work? He left, on good terms I think (he only stayed about 20 min). I feel so empty inside though. Everytime I think about not ever being with him again I just start to cry, and it's only been a couple of hours. What are the chances that a couple of months down the road we'll both wake up and be able to work things out? I really hope I find the strength to get through this... and I would appreciate any help and advice you guys could give me. Sorry this is so long, and thanks in advance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 6:53am
jap,

I really feel bad for what had happend between you and your boyfriend 3.5 years in a relationship is not easy to just leave it and continue life as if theres nothing happend, i experienced the same ive been in a relationship with my ex for about 2.5 years, i also encountered the problems you've gone through, im still in a process of healling, at the 1st week or month of being broken hearted i really dont know where to start, i cant eat, i cant sleep and evernight before going to bed i cried alot..but as time goes by i realized that i shouldnt ruin myself, try to make yourself busy, dont think too much, go out with your friends, avoid listening love songs.. go gurl you have alot of options in your life dont waste your time to someone who doesnt deserve your love.. take care and goodluck!!!

sheenie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:21pm
Poor you....I'm sorry to hear about your painful break up. Let's think this way.....if you didn't trust him......were you happy? Sometimes it's hard to get out of a relationship because you are afraid of the big "unknown" out there. But, why don't you give it a couple of months and try not to contact him or see him. Explore some interests in things that he didn't want to do (we know we all give things up during a relationship). Surround yourself with supportive friends and family and pamper yourself! I recently broke up with my bf of 4 years. The kicker is that we own a house together and have to finish some remodeling before we can sell it and neither of us can afford to move out until it is sold. So, I'm on the main floor, he is in the basement. It's hard because I want to move on and yet have to see him on a daily basis. So, friends, family, long baths, laying out by the pool, even something simple like painting my toenails cheers me up. Do whatever it is that makes YOU happy. Good luck and I hope you keep us updated on your progress!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:50pm
Welcome to the board!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:39pm
You don't think trust can be regained, after stepping out of the relationship and looking in from the outside? I think the communication problem stemmed from my (understandable) accusations when he didn't call when he said he would, etc.. and I'd confront him on it. He'd get defensive and say 'I don't want to talk about this anymore'.. I've always been a true believer that if two people love eachother, they can work through anything. I'm trying with all my might to hang on to this belief, but I'm losing hope.
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anonymous user
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:49pm


I understand your pain. I love my ex girlfriend so very much, and I care for her a whole lot, but I made a mistake that I regret til this day. I lied about my age to her by 3 yrs, and I streched the truth on what my dad did for a living. I was always faithful to her, and she knows that. I cried for many weeks, and asking her if we could work out our problems. i promised to change for her, and even now I want to regain her trust in me. i hope she will give me a chance even if we are not going out. well, i am sure everything will work out eventually. you have to be strong in times like these. i have learned that people who abandon someone they cared for are not worth taking back.

manish