looking back

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
looking back
1
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 2:21am
Hi everyone, this is kind of a "writing things down as therapy" kind of post. Tonight I was missing him a little (fortunately not in an extreme way), thinking about nice moments we had shared. So I pulled out the journal I kept during the middle of our relationship, after he had started to freak out (he's a pretty classic CP) but before the bigger drama/breaking up. DEAR LORD!! I was insane!! Whatever little weaknesses I have now re: him, they are NOTHING compared to what I used to be like (that is such a relief to see how far I've come.) This journal -- it is the saddest, most pathetic chronicle of my reactions to that relationship.

The part of the journal that almost made me cry, it was so *incredibly* sad, was this phase when he had pretty much cut me off sexually, after several months of the most incredible chemistry I'd ever experienced (I know, typical for a CP). I realize now that it was the first of many walls he was throwing up between us when we started to get "too" close. Then he just sat back and watched me fling myself against said wall again and again and again, and convinced me that it was MY fault our sex life had gone to hell. First he said I didn't initiate it enough, then once when I started kissing him, he told me, and this is a direct quote: "You're so comfortable but you just don't turn me on." Let me consult the date of that statement: Feb 1. We broke up in early may. That means I dated him for ANOTHER THREE MONTHS!!! My reaction to that was not to back away from someone who had hurt me, but to try harder, if that is not ultimate humiliation i don't know what is. I filled page after page of that diary trying to figure out how to rekindle the spark between us, mainly because he would tell me that he thought our relationship would work if we could have better sex. I think that's about the most cruel thing he did...leading me to believe that the fate of relationship rested on my ability to create good sex between us even though he was not participating. At no point in this diary did I dwell on the obvious fact that he did absolutely nothing to try to turn *me* on! I do mean nothing. I cannot imagine a more selfish lover. Apparently at the time I was ok with dating someone who didn't even kiss or look at me during sex, or even really touch me. Of course after we broke up, the sex returned, because he didn't "feel trapped" anymore.

Anyway. It is just amazing to see how low I sank, I guess I didn't realize til rereading the diary exactly how self-destructive I was in that relationship, I mean I knew it was bad, but it was really startling to see just how pathetic I got. I almost feel like I've stumbled across some really destructive dark part of my psyche i didn't realize existed but came out in the open when i started dating him. I know all of you only know me from my posts on here, but trust me, if I told any of my friends from college, etc. the way i had behaved in this relationship, they wouldn't believe it, I've always been more of a "taker" in relationships, i'm usually the high maintenance one. It's just not like the person I've always thought I was to behave like this. But yeah, I guess it was in me. I'm just glad it's over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
In reply to: starshaped
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:55am
How helpful that you kept a journal during that time! It's amazing how we change when men are involved, isn't it? Don't you ever wish we could be as emotionally insulated as men are? I'm glad to hear how much you've grown. The hard part now is to not repeat the behavior in a future relationship. Good luck to you!