bf and i broke up, now hes GAY!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
bf and i broke up, now hes GAY!
2
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:43pm
i was dating this guy for about 6 months and i absolutely adored him. around 5 months or so things started to get serious between us. i was on cloud nine and as far as i was concerned, i was fairly certain i found mr right. we had an arguement one day over something silly. he wanted to go on a double date with another couple, i wanted to spend time with just him. anywho, we broke up the next day. this was about three weeks ago.

every guy i have ever dated, i have tried to keep a line of communication open after the breakup, most have been sucessful. dont like to have hard feelings ligering. called him up and left a message on his voice mail asking if he could call me back (im getting ready to move, btw, rather unexpectedly) i wanted to talk to him once more before i left town. no return call. talked to a friend to see if he could talk to my ex and figure out what was up. he gladly obliged. all my ex would say in reguards to calling me back is "it would complicate things". my friend later got it out of him that hes feeling conflicted about his sexual preference. i always like the guy because he was eccentric and a bit "fruity" but i never imagined he would be thinking of turning gay. this has crushed me. i still have extreme feelings for him and its hard to cope with them understanding the odds of him coming back to me are slim. anyone else been through something like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:58pm
Well, he's not "thinking of becoming gay." Maybe he's just thinking of finally admitting to himself and to the world that he *is* gay, and he's not going to try to pretend anymore. I remember there being a novel written by a woman who was married to a man and had children with him, then he came out of the closet, and it addressed her feelings in that situation. That is a tough one, all I can say is that I dated a guy briefly in high school, had feelings for him, but he never seemed eager to touch me in public or to have me touch him, he seemed uncomfortable with "making out" (I attributed it to him being quite religious), etc. A couple of years after we broke up, he wrote me a letter in college saying he was gay and he was sorry if he'd hurt me when we were together. I was just relieved that I finally understood what was going on, that it wasn't me. But I had more time and distance. Not to make light of it, but if he's gay, at least you can be sure it "wasn't meant to be."
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 1:26pm
yikes hon--that is a hard pill to swallow. i've known people on both sides of the situation and i can say this: if ever there was an "its not you, its me" scenario, this is it. if he's confused aobut his sexuality he really needs the time & freedom to explore that in a healthy way, and its for the BEST that you're no longer together.

one thing you need to keep in mind , you didnt "make him gay". every single gay male friend of mine has at some point, had a girlfriend, even slept with their girlfriends, and later realized "hey, this isnt really what i like". they all enjoyed it at the time, but only later, often years later, di dthey recognize that the reason their relatoinships never seemed to work out was that what they really needed to complete them was something very different--namely, other men. im sure that your bf DID care about you and enjoy being with you, but something wasnt clicking for him, and he deserves to find out what that something is.

its going to be hard for you to put your feelings for him away, but thats a challenge of every break up and i know you'll get through it. as far as being friends w/ him goes, well, maybe you cant do that just yet. the best thing you can do now is know that you didnt do anything wrong and try your bes tto move on with your life. i know its easier said than done, but post here, and let your friends be there for you and remember there are millions of straight guys out there waiting for you :)