Angry and Sad and Lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Angry and Sad and Lonely
14
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:29pm
As per my previous post, yesterdy my eb popped up on AOL IM after 2 months of nothing. Today, on a hunch, I searched the website where we met and found his personal ad looking for a new girlfriend. We only broke up 2 months ago and he told me that he couldn't handle a relationship and that he couldn't handle having a girlfriend. What I want to know is how can all these issues go away in only 2 months time!!!! What magical, mystical form of therapy did he find that "cures" ones problems in just 2 months? The kicker is that he hardly changed his profile and is using the same picture. I am just so angry. Angry that I spend the past 2 months in hell, wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done to save our relationship, not sleeping, not eating, crying all the time, falling into a severe depression, wanting him back so bad that I could think of nothing else. He wasn't even honest when he broke up with me. How could he be looking for a new girlfriend when he flat out told me that he thought he could have a relationship but realized that he was unable to do so because of his career. BTW, he DID NOT change his job so the problems he had before will resurface. He told me that he still loved me, that he was still in love with, that he cared about me and that the respected me. I know realized that this is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. I am hurt, I am upset, I am disillusioned, I am disappointed, I want to cry and am fighting it since I am at work and they are sick of me crying all the time, I want to call him up and curse him out, I want to scream! He threw me away because he couldn't deal with having a girlfriend and now he is looking for a new one! Who the heck is he kidding! I feel like a fool for loving him. I feel so stupid for crying over him and being miserable. The only good thing that has come out of this is that my confusion over the break up has cleared. I now know that there isn't any chance of us getting back together. That it is over and I have to move on. All hopes is gone and that is what was keeping me going. I harboured a not so secret hope that he would come back and we would be able to work everything out. That he would realize what he had done and would try to fix things. It's over, he doesn't want to be with me anymore, he doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't care about me anymore, I am a non-entity in his life! I have never felt so alone in my life. I don't have any friends who can take me out and get me to forget this. I am not one to do something on my own.

Thank you for listening to my rant. This is far better than calling him up and venting at him. Saves my dignity and right now that all I have left.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 4:38pm
Why are you assuming he's out there pursuing a relationship?

He probably just wants to date...without ever having any relationship.

Which is not something most women comprehend.

Dating is not 'I am seeking a life partner" endeavor. Dating is about fun, sex, companionship, flirtation, sharing interests, and conversations, and events...it's all about enjoying yourself while in the company of someone else that usually you find sexually attractive and mentally stimulating. But that's it...that is ALL dating is.

And men have no problem dating........because if they're not looking for a relationship - which is a JOB that requires communication, compromise, meeting needs appropriately, consideration of the other person's needs and goals at all times.......no amount of "dating" makes a difference, they won't have "a relationship".

I think YOU wanted a relationship - you were dating someone to find someonee that you shared values, goals, ideas with - or at least feelings of "I want you in my life because you complete me" sort of drivel....and he wanted to date, to have fun, to enjy you per his needs and his schedule while being considerate of your needs and your schedule.

It's just that you want "more" in terms of a future than he does. So, he ended it.

But he's now out on a "dating site" - unfortuantely women often assume that every manon there is seeking "a relationship"...and quite often they're just looking to find fun, interesting, intelligent, sexy women to "date" - because they've dated all the women in thier area, those women wanted "a relationship" - so they had to stop dating them!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 5:16pm
Not to start a fight or anything but he is listed on both the "dating" and "relationship" sections of the site. The dating section is for people who want to just want to date without any commitment whereas the relationship section is for people who are looking for a long-term, commited relationship. When we started dating, he indicated that he wanted us to be exclusive and long-term, the start of a relationship. He never indicated that he only wanted us to date and be casual about things. So, I was always under the impression that we both wanted this relationship and that we both wanted the same things since he never indicated anything other than this. What I wanted was something he was unable to give to me because of his career (those are his exact words, not my interpetation of them).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:12pm
Well, not to be cynical, but he may be saying he wants a "relationship" because that is what women want to hear, and it makes it easier to get his needs met. Then, when it is getting too serious and too much trouble for him, there's some unfortunate life circumstance that makes it impossible for him to continue with the relationship he claims to want to have. You're assuming that he's honest and sincere and genuine and, frankly, many people aren't. Or, maybe, he's deluding himself - he says the words, but he doesn't actually, totally mean them, and faced with the reality of compromise and all that's associated with a relationship, he panics and runs. Maybe he just isn't self-aware enough to recognize that he is actually uncomfortable with a committed relationship, and is unwittingly sabotaging relationships because he can't just fess up and admit to himself that he's conflicted. But I think it might be simpler - he really is just saying what women want to hear while it's convenient. Sorry, I'm feeling cynical, but try out that idea, it may really be that simple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 1:27pm
You are so right. After a 3 yr. relationship with my ex it only took him 2 days to get right back on the dating site that we met on. Do you believe that 3 years later the same men are on the site, women too. This leads me to believe that these men are sereal daters. There is always fresh meat daily on these dating sites for them, the thought of going back on this makes me sick. I always feel its better to just be involved with what interests you and you will meet people you have something in common with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:51pm
ur not alone, u may think u are but ur not, im going through the same thing i only have a few friends but they are so far away, i can understand that feeling because im in that situation, my ex broke up with me because hes saying hes not sure wut about wut he wants and that he needs space, after a week, hes dating a new girl so its so obvious that he needs space, he just wants someone new, someone exciting and someone else besides me, he wants to be friends and until now im still fighting that urge to give in and be friends. it hurts too much when somoene u love betrays u, its so hard to live with that. but like wut everybody is saying give it time, i am waiting for time to heal my wounded heart right now, i have no idea when it will stop hurting, i have no idea if it wil get better but i can only hope...keep posting and u will somehow feel better..when im postinmg it makes me forget that i want to call him, or email him or IM him....just vent people here wont care if you vent or complain most of the time, thats y we have this message board we have to use it....remember you are not alone in this
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:57pm
i know wut ur saying milton333, guys always say women need a lot of things, but the fact of the matter is mena have needs to, maybe different needs, but its all the same, they would do everything to be able to get wut they want, even give in to a relationship and say thing women want to hear to get wut they want and in return girls needs are met until the guy who is afraid of commitment is no longer willing to give and and then they start running towards another direction. its sad but its true, sometimes men can be the most loving human being, but sometimes they can be selfish too. im not saying all men are like that but im pretty sure a lot of girls would agree that there are a lot .
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 4:52pm
Milton, you are not being cynical at all. What you said is very true in many cases. I have my suspicions that he is a commitment phobe. The truth is that he doesn't have to work during the summer, is probably sitting at home bored out of his mind and thought, "Hey, if i had a girlfriend, I won't be bored". So...off he went to troll for a new girlfriend. The kicker is that once he goes back to work in the fall, all the same "problems" that he had with me will surface again and the cycle will be repeated. I think that everything was getting to real for him and it had come to the point where a commitment needed to be made and he ran screaming for the hills. I would like to think better of him, that he isn't just telling women what they want to hear for his own nefarious deeds. However, in the same token, I know many men out there do just that. Honestly only time will tell and every day is another day closer to being healed!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 5:12pm
What career do you have that stands in the way of him "getting waht he wants/needs out of a relationship".

I mean, I can see careers that would prohibit someone who wants particular things from getting them from a partner - in which case, that partner isn't for them.

And to assume...makes and ass of u - at least.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 5:15pm
"Every day is another day closer to being healed." I like that. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 5:20pm
Although I am done making excuses for him, he works in the arts and has a very hectic & some what unpredicatable schedule during the semester. I fully understand that no matter how busy a person is, or how demanding their career might be, if they really want to be with you, they will find the time regardless of their schedule. And it was my wants & needs that he was unable to meet because of his career not mine.

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