please help, bad night

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
please help, bad night
4
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 2:05am
I am having one of those really dark moments where I can't see past this blind pathetic wanting him no matter what it costs. The worst part is knowing that if I call right now, he would be here, in my arms, he is always there if I ask. He is so bad for me, I feel ridiculous even posting this after all the things I've told you all about him, he is poison, he is the last thing I need. But it's just hit me very hard, I can't get my perspective beyond this stupid narrow just wanting him. I guess I'm lonely. I spent this evening at parties and bars and my only girl friend is hooking up with my close guy friend right now, right after *her* breakup. and i guess i started out this night thinking i was capable of doing the same, hooking up with someone, i don't know, i thought i didn't give a s**t anymore, but the truth is, deep down I just want someone to love and to hold who loves me back, and all these parties and bars just make me sad, I guess i'm not ready for the random shallow stuff yet. i thought that would help, be good for me, but i don't think now it would make me happy. my ex lets me love and hold him, but he can't love me back, and it's just so tempting to take that right now. This isn't me right now, I have to remember, this is an incredibly strong addiction that is so destructive and I won't act on it. I won't. I won't call. This isn't me. I just feel like all these really bad parts of me are taking over right now. But I am smart enough to think through how I'd feel tomorrow morning if I called tonight. so tempting though. he'd be here in a split second. here, in my arms. no no no no no no no.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 9:44am
Hun, I understand those dark moments... Did you read my post "Trying Again - Am I Crazy?" Please please please read it. You had a good response to it. Plus, you saw what happened... I had a dark moment, I agreed to take him back, and the cycle started all over again. Right we're in that part of the cycle where I am trying to keep this relationship afloat and he is pulling back... I could break up with him again, and it could start all over with him being the pushy one...

It's so not worth it. Really it isn't. This isn't what a healthy relationship should be. You know he's bad for you, you said it yourself. Stick with that. You will be ok. Go rent your favorite movie or call a friend but DO NOT call him.

The cycle will begin again for you and everytime this happens, you take 3 steps back. Don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 10:59am
((((Hugs)))) I know this is tough on you and at least you have realized that he *is* a poison and that you can't call him up since he can't love you the way you want and deserve. Just stay strong and this will pass. Nobody expects you to just pick up and hook-up with some random guy. Yeah some people can do that but it really doesn't help and the relationships usually don't last. You need to do what's best for you. So focus on yourself and try and stay busy. Post whenever you need to! Good luck and keep us posted!!













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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 4:11pm
thanks for the replies. I didn't call, thank god. but it was incredibly hard not to. it is scary how i get sometimes, i scare myself. the truth is, i simply cannot drink until i'm over this guy. i really like drinking! i like partying! but i get some alcohol in me and i can't see anything beyond this wanting him at any cost. and i always drink when i get it in my head that i'm over him and can handle being drunk. but even when i feel over him on some level, i'm not totally over it deep down, and that bad part of me comes out if i'm drunk. so, lesson learned. again. no booze for quite awhile, even if i've deluded myself that i'm over him. it does make me feel a lot better about myself, however, to remember how much i wanted to call last night (really, it was pretty all-consuming) and to know that i didn't do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 5:09pm
I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. This is my first time on this board... my boyfriend of almost three years basically broke things off with me last night... three hours of sleep, can't eat, can't think straight... we should just realize that we deserve something better than men who can't love us the way we want and deserve! There is someone out there who will make us understand what love is really all about... that is my hope between the crying and missing him.