please help, bad night
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please help, bad night
| Sun, 07-04-2004 - 2:05am |
I am having one of those really dark moments where I can't see past this blind pathetic wanting him no matter what it costs. The worst part is knowing that if I call right now, he would be here, in my arms, he is always there if I ask. He is so bad for me, I feel ridiculous even posting this after all the things I've told you all about him, he is poison, he is the last thing I need. But it's just hit me very hard, I can't get my perspective beyond this stupid narrow just wanting him. I guess I'm lonely. I spent this evening at parties and bars and my only girl friend is hooking up with my close guy friend right now, right after *her* breakup. and i guess i started out this night thinking i was capable of doing the same, hooking up with someone, i don't know, i thought i didn't give a s**t anymore, but the truth is, deep down I just want someone to love and to hold who loves me back, and all these parties and bars just make me sad, I guess i'm not ready for the random shallow stuff yet. i thought that would help, be good for me, but i don't think now it would make me happy. my ex lets me love and hold him, but he can't love me back, and it's just so tempting to take that right now. This isn't me right now, I have to remember, this is an incredibly strong addiction that is so destructive and I won't act on it. I won't. I won't call. This isn't me. I just feel like all these really bad parts of me are taking over right now. But I am smart enough to think through how I'd feel tomorrow morning if I called tonight. so tempting though. he'd be here in a split second. here, in my arms. no no no no no no no.

It's so not worth it. Really it isn't. This isn't what a healthy relationship should be. You know he's bad for you, you said it yourself. Stick with that. You will be ok. Go rent your favorite movie or call a friend but DO NOT call him.
The cycle will begin again for you and everytime this happens, you take 3 steps back. Don't.