Can't go through this again....
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| Sun, 07-04-2004 - 11:09am |
This relationship only lasted two months. Right away, he started hinting at love and talking about me moving in with him. The person he portrayed was exactly what I wanted. I was scared of getting hurt again, and had trouble trusting him, but eventually I developed really strong feelings for him. I think I love him.
After about a month, I began to realize how strongly I felt for him and my fear grew. To protect myself, I began to be very critical, to convince myself that he wasn't as great as I thought he was. I began voicing these criticisms and ended up hurting him. We had a huge fight, during which I called it off, thinking that's what he wanted and deciding to do it first.
We were broken up for about 4 days, during which time I was really miserable. I did nothing but cry and sleep and yearn for him. Finally I sent him an email, telling him how I felt, apologizing for my actions. During those 4 days, I came to realize how much I actually cared for him. I realized that, even if I threw myself fullheartedly into the relationship, let down my floodgates so to speak, I couldn't be hurt any more than I was already hurting without him. It was like a light turned on and I determined to just let myself love him and enjoy the relationship without hindering it with my fears.
We talked for a long time and got back together. He was cautious, but said he wanted to work on things to get it back the way they were. We made love and he said it just felt right to be with me. I thought everything was going to be ok. A day went by with no word from him, then two. Finally at the end of the second day, he tells me he doesn't want to do this. He says he needs time alone to deal with his problems, but still wants to be friends. I'm not even sure what that means. It just sounds like what people say to the people they're breaking up with.
I hurt so much. I so wanted this to work. Now I'm in exactly the situation I feared so much to begin with. If I'm not crying heartbrokenly, I'm numb and my mind just circles endlessly on him. I know he doesn't really want to be friends. That's just what people say.
My conclusion is that he never really cared for me. I must have been a rebound. Otherwise, I don't see how he could give up so easily, without working on this with me. Especially knowing how much he's hurting me. So his feelings must not have been sincere. This makes it even more painful, because I'm in love with him. It's too late for me. And it hurts to know that once he's 'dealt with his problems' and is ready for a relationship again, he's gonna be with someone else. He's gonna laugh with and make love to and share his life with somebody else. Not me. That hurts so much.
I know I have to cut off all contact and stay social and go out with friends to keep my mind from obsessing. But that's so much easier said than done. I have no desire to do anything but sit here and hope he contacts me. I just want him to love me, like he said he did. I just want him to show up on my doorstep and put his arms around me and tell me he was wrong. I know that's not gonna happen, but I can't push the hope down. I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling like an idiot for believing the things he told me.
I have this constant urge to tell him how I'm feeling, share with him every stage of my emotional turmoil. He's who I'm used to talking to about my feelings; I instinctively want to talk to him now. I keep thinking if he sees how much I'm hurting, he'll realize how much I really cared, and realize he made a mistake. I know that's not gonna happen. I know we're not getting back together, but I can't stop these thoughts.
Edited 7/4/2004 11:13 am ET ET by unhappypumkin
Edited 7/4/2004 11:16 am ET ET by unhappypumkin

I can totally relate pumkin.