Have fiancee, but met new guy.. HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Have fiancee, but met new guy.. HELP
7
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 6:44pm
Ok... I just need friendly advice because I think I am freaking out prematurely... :/

Well, I've been seeing this guy for 2 1/2 years and we were engaged as of last July... so almost a year(near the end of this month.) Well, at the beginning things were great, he was great, he still is great. But to put it simply, I have lost interest in him. I don't have interest in intimate encounters, we don't have much to talk about anymore, we already know EVERYTHING about eachother and I feel really sad being around him. It's been like that since prolly January, I've felt that it's been over, but it's difficult to let go because he truly is a great guy, I thought/think that it's me... that I'm like picky or something... but how can I continue a relationship, or worse, marriage after I finish school with a person that I am not attracted to at all anymore????????

Secondly, another thing that confirms these feelings are that I met a guy on Saturday(yesterday) and he is just fabulous!!! But thing is, he reminds me alot of my fiancee, in his line of work, his general looks, and even the car they drive is the same, except different colors. But oddly enough, even thought they resemble eachother alot, I felt something for this guy. We talked for a little bit, he was really interested in my schooling, and what I would do after I got my honours bachelor degree and what interests me. He just talked about things with me right away that are much more mature than the conversations I've had with other guys! They are the same age, only 3 months apart... it's crazy. But with this new guy I get the butterflies in my stomach and the big smile plastered across my face just looking at him that I used to have for my fiancee. In fact, since our meeting yesterday, I've thought about his almost continuously, which I know is bad, but I can't really control who I think about can I? Nothing has happened with this new guy, and I didn't lie, I told him I had a "second half" and he accepted it... which showed another good quality, that he respects relationships. We left off with him giving me his number, he wasn't sure that I was interested, or if I ever was that I should call him.

Can anyone help me out with my feelings? I think this proves one thing... that it's time to quit for myself and the fiancee. With that, what can I say to do that? Remember that it's 2 1/2 years of both of our lives invested, we are together all of the time, and he has NO idea that this is coming, because I have kept my feelings bottled up and another kicker is that I accepted the ring he gave me, which I will also return out of duty, which will be a double kicker. Men and their egos.

Another tidbit, I am only 21, and have had only 2 serious relationships, could it be that internally I want to go out and meet MORE men? Not to experiment sexually, because that is NOT my thing, but just to see what's out there. You all know the saying, "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Anyone have any helpful comments, suggestions???

Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 8:20pm
Well, although im hardly an expert, and i'm younger than you, all I can say is this:

Firstly, I couldn't help but notice you said you feel butterflies and all that jazz for this new guy, the same feelings you got with your fiancee, except you don't feel them for him anymore. Let me say, people are delusional if they think butterflies will last forever. My ex boyfriend broke up with me after a year and a bit, because he was no longer feeling those butterflies. That was his only reason. PLEASE don't let that be yours. You could throw a good relationship out the window for something as stupid as a few butterflies. You may be feeling this with a new guy, but that's natural. Alot of people feel those at the beginning of a relationship, but as you found out first hand, they slowly go away, and what you're left with is comfort, trust, hapiness and respect. Which is where all couples who are engaged should be.

Secondly, You say these 2 men are so much alike. I wonder how it is, the man you're interested in now can tickle your fancy, but your fiancee can't? Perhaps the reasons you're taking such an interest in this new guy, is because he's different than yours.. even though they seem to have similarities. Maybe he does something that your fiancee doesn't, or has stopped doing. Maybe the new guy has something to offer you that you're not getting from your fiancee?

Thirdly, For you to be considering breaking off your engagement, you're obviously having second thoughts. I guess this could just be cold feet, but from the sounds of it, its more. You're 21. I'm 20. In my mind, a woman at our age, shouldn't be settling down unless we're 100% sure about the man. It seems as though you're just "settling" because the opportunity is there. It sounds like you're not ready for this kind of commitment just yet, and you still want to taste test before you decide on a dish. So it sounds like you haven't decided this is the man for you, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him. You definetely sound like you want to see what else is out there.

Since your fiancee has no idea how you're feeling, I suggest you tell him you've been growing apart from him, before you spring the break up news on him. He has the right to know you're unhappy, and that you feel this relationship isn't what you want. It's 2.5 years invested yes, and if you're already uninterested in him, and have no desire to be with him, you need to tell him. You're keeping him hanging on a string each day that passes, and you not telling him all of this. I personally wouldn't tell him there's another man you're interested in, but I would tell him that you no longer want to be a part of this relationship. Explain to him you feel that you're too young to be settling down, and you need time to make new experiences. Depending how old he is, he should understand, however, he may not take this news too well, and that's understandable.

Do him the curteosy, and tell him it's over. Don't stay with him for the sake of staying with someone until the bigger better deal comes along. You've done that long enough. If you're sure you want out of this relationship, then end it, and end it soon. Don't let guilt change your mind. Good Luck, and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:15pm
Interesting that I only got one response, lol. But anyways, I have taken your advice to heart cosmo. As for the butterflies thing.... ummm.... now how in the heck are you supposed to marry someone that you don't have butterflies for?, less any other feelings in general?

As it turns out I called the other guy and he is such a tool on the phone, the kind of guy talk you would expect, but I've never really had that problem, as the two guys I've seriously dated have been utterly amazing. As soon as I got off the phone with him and he ruffled my feathers and I was a bit cheesed, I totally reconsidered my "problem" with what I find wrong with my fiancee. Which is nothing, I just don't get why I am not attracted to him at all anymore.

Whatever... regardless, I will keep you posted, but I am going out with this rude-dude tomorrow for a coffee and I think the whole breaking up scenario will be shattered, cuz I am trying to lose something that is obviously the best thing in the world!!! lol Anyways, if he is a really big jerk, than I will be sooooooooooooo happy and never talk to any guys again... I seriously doubt he will be the charming, sensitive and romantic guy that I talked to last Saturday. What a weirdo!! lol

Sorry, needed to get that off my chest and veg!

I will keep you informed... Thanks for listening! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:36pm
I apologize if you think this may be harsh but its my perspecive, and i have several more years, i am 31, to back it up.

You are too immature to get married. If you htink 'butterflies' is what a long term relationship is to be based on, you have a lot to learn. The bond you have in a comitted long term relaitonship is completely different and cannot be compared to 'butterflies' which are ALWAYS fleeting. You have to WORK in relationships and not just sit around and expect it to be wonderful all the time. If you know EVERYTHING about eachother it means you are not growing as individuals in your relaitonship and I can tel you right now, nothing stagnant will last for long.

You also do not seem to have much respect for your fiancee because you are getting numbers from strangers and meeting them for coffee in hopes of re-kindling some fantasy you have about your fiancee. Put yourself in his shoes for two seconds and you will see how wrong and hurtful you are being. If you are not satisfied in a relationship you have to be able to communicate those feelings, as they arise, not after you start cheating on them. THat is what a mature relaitonship is. You have open communication, you discuss what you are feeling and you try to resolve problems as they arise. Not telling him will only hurt him more in teh long run.

No marriage or long term relationship will EVER be without problems, wihtout valleys to counter the peaks. But you ahve to be ready and mature enough to be able to work through the bad times. I don't htink you are and I certainly don't think you are being fair to your fiancee.

Sit down with him, tell him how you feel about the relationship, tell him what you did (getting the number, calling and going for coffee). You will be lucky if he doesnt just walk away from you and never talks to you again, but regardless you should let him go. You are not ready for marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 3:57pm
I agree with the replies you have gotten so far. Most people love that 'in love' butterfly feeling, building a relationship, sharing intimately, discussing things - if you are sharing emotionally with a guy, you will be attracted, because you feel 'close'.

In your second post you asked about feeling those feelings again.... it can happen. It takes work. It takes being mature, committed to the person you are with, scheduling 'date nights', taking time to share emotionally about everything, how you feel and why, etc.

Dr Phil's book, Relationship Rescue is a good place to start. The excercies in the book will help you define what you want and need in a relationship and what you need and want from a partner, who knows, if you read it with him, maybe it will generate a great conversation and sharing.

If you just walk away from this relationship, this same thing will happen again, because you will have not resolved anything. Some of this may change with the passing of time, as you mature and define what you really want and know who you are and what motivates you. Go slow, take the time needed to grow. My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 5:47pm
I'm gonna have to agree with the other posters as well.

No offense meant what so ever, that's not what we try and do on this board, but you do sound waaay too young to be considering marraige. I know we can't tell alot by the way you type, but i'm 20, a year younger than you, and I have the feeling even I'M more ready for a commitment such as marraige before you are.

It seems as though you don't know what it takes to keep a relationship happy and healthy. It seems as though you're keeping your fiancee around, just incase you can't find someone "better". Meeting this man at the coffee house to see if he's really a jerk, says alot. It says that you're not serious about your fiancee, it says that given the chance, you'd leave your fiancee for someone else, and it definetely says that you're not ready to be a married woman.

As for the butterfly thing, it completely boggles my mind that people think this feeling will last forever. Some people NEVER feel butterflies with the person they're with. Some do, but I can almost gauruntee it doesn't last long. The first few months of a new romance is always the most exciting, and the learning period, where all you want to do is be with the person, and you get anxiety just thinking of them. This feeling will go away after time. You CAN NOT base a relationship on butterflies (try and tell my ex that eh? He broke up with me because he wasn't feelin' 'em anymore after a year). Relationships are so much more than the "magical" feeling, and more than the "fun times". Absolutely, there will be ups and downs of all kinds, but the down that you're experiencing, you shouldn't be if you're engaged. If you're experiencing this, and you are engaged, you're not ready for marraige, and i think you know this deep down. Ask yourself why you accepted his proposal. Then ask yourself if you can see yourself with him in 25 years. Then ask yourself if there is a man you wish you had, the man of your dreams, what would he be like? Do you have a fantasy of the "man of your dreams"? if you said yes, and the answer is NOT your fiancee, there's your answer.

I dont think you're getting cold feet, or second guessing your relationship, I think you know it's over in some form. You honestly come across as not wanting to be with this man. So why are you? put him out of his misery, and cut him loose. You need to be honest with him. And one last thing, in the future, don't base your relationships on feeling dizzy and getting butterflies. It will get you no where, and you may just throw away the best thing that's happened in your life. Good luck, and don't get offended at what we've said.. we're going off the info you've given us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 7:04pm
Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, I've been busy with 2 jobs and seeing both men! lol (I am just kidding for those of you who are totally upset about this.)

I have decided that I will break it slowly to the fiancee, give back the ring and just see where things go. No more strings such as those of what engagement has thrust upon us. I don't want to lie to him which is kinda of what I'm doing, but since you don't all know the entire story.... I am NOT cheating.

If I said I met this other guy and was forming a friendship, which is what I am doing really, would you all jump to dirty conclusions too? I don't get it. Any guy I've ever dated has been friends-first material. I've never jumped into a relationship without getting to know the prospect first. For those of you who are curious, nothing has happened with man number two. Firstly, I forbid anything happening atleast until I break the "engagement off" news to my real man.

These guys are on two different spectrums for me. Fiancee - kind, sweet, loving, would do ANYTHING to make me happy. New guy - intelligent, attractive in that "new guy" sorta way, well educated and employed, but a bit of an ass!

I don't know... if I hate one thing about one, I love something else about the other... too bad we couldn't just compact all our favorite things into one man.

As for the person who says that if I "dream about the perfect man" than it is not my fiancee. I don't dream of silly, out of reach things like the millionaire that will give me the 5 carat rock and the white picket fence. It's not about that. I just find that intellectually, me and my fiancee are on different levels so if I want to keep the ball rolling in the conversation, then it is darn near impossible!

I don't know what to do... if any one has any further advice, please advise because I still not only don't know what to do, but I am just falling into a deeper confusion by the day. I will check out dr. phil's book and will keep you further informed.

Thanks for all your help, and I don't find anything mean or offensive, I like to hear what you have to say, and your advice. Advice is always good, no matter what it is!

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:45pm
I think the only reason anyone thought you might be doing something wrong is because you didn't tell your fiancee about scoping the guy, talking to him and then having coffee with him. If you did tell him I must have skipped over that part. I'm glad that you are going to tell your fiancee how you are feeling, it's the only way to go. One thing you might do to realize how hurtful even small actions may be to your boyfriend at anytime is to picture yourself in their shoes and realize how you would feel if you found out that he had gone out and found another girl that he was interested in, proceeded forward with phone numbers and coffee meetings and not told you, it might help a little. Hope everything goes well. Good luck.