Help! The pain is choking me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Help! The pain is choking me...
7
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:40am
Oh, god, the pain is so bad this morning. I went for a walk through the neighborhood that we had shared for a year, and I feel like throwing up. I can't believe he could do this to me! I moved away from my family and friends for him and for a future together that he never believed in. And he couldn't even do it to my face... he's in Aspen having a great time and couldn't bear to do it in person. How will I ever get closure? I won't even see him in person for 7 more weeks!

I feel like I'm paralyzed by grief and confusion... and the truth is, I'm scared to be alone. We were together for almost three years, and I don't want to start over. It feels like too much.

Any advice ladies?

Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:02am
I don't know. My boyfriend moved all his stuff out on Saturday. I can only stay in my house for a few minutes at a time before I start feeling sick to my stomach. Damn, I'm afraid of the house I own! How could he do that to me?

You must feel so lost and alone right now. At least my folks live across the street! It's been a little over three days since we broke up. How long has it been for you? I got a book a couple days ago called "I Used to Miss Him, but My Aim Improved." It's pretty funny. See if you can get a copy of it. It's helped me somewhat.

Good luck. It's comforting to know I'm not the only going through this right now.

Angie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:10am
So good to see your post... my bf and I haven't even "officially" broken up, but he basically did it at midnight on Saturday. I stayed in my room all day yesterday, alternating between crying and just feeling totally numb. When I finally left my apartment for a run today, I burst into tears when I saw the little pond where we watched the gooslings grow up. I'm just so mad because he did it in such a cowardly way, and I gave up so much to be with him. I just talked to my mom, which really helped, but I feel so lost. I think I'll probably end up moving home, but I can't even think about that right now.

It is such a blessing to have this message board. I don't know what I would do without it!I know what you mean about your own home making you sick... I can hardly look at anything in here without feeling sick. I'm going to start packing up my non-essential things and sending them home, just so I will start to feel like maybe I don't live here anymore. Maybe you should try rearranging your home so it feels different?

I'm here if you need me... we all need the support!

Avatar for bensand
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:29am
Hello,

Well ..... I really can't believe I'm here on the Breaking Up message boards .... I've gone from the Living Together and Problem solving For Couples boards to this one. My BF and I are going to split up , and I feel the same way you two do .I'm in shock , I feel numb , I want to cry all the time , I feel lost, empty , devastated , and absolutely heart broken. This just happened last night. I knew it was coming .... we both did. But it's still SO hard . We love each other very much, and that makes it even harder. We wanted so much to make it work , and it feels so sad to finally decided that it's not.I still don't want to give up hope , but we've been holding on for a long time now. He is going to stay here until he finds a place. We have broken up before, and he moved out. I am not looking forward to his moving out once again. It almost killed me the first time.Every little thing around the house reminded me of him , and everywhere I went reminded me of him too. I really do understand how you guys feel , and I hope we can be here for each other. It feels like the end of the world right now .... Like I just want to die. I don't mean that in a suicidal sort of way .....just that the pains feels as though it's going to kill me. I've gone through break ups before , and I know you get through them.But when you're right in the middle of one, it's hard to see.... Take care,

Sandra

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:43am
Sandra-

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this pain too... I think the hardest break-ups are the ones where you both love each other deeply, but the relationship just can't work. It just seems totally unfair and doesn't make sense. I'm trying to remember that I will find love again, and that I do have people in my life who love and care about me... but it's hard not to feel alone and scared. At least we have a place where there are people who understand the pain of this.

It just feels like I'm melting inside, I can't eat (hey, at least I'll lose weight!), food tastes funny and every sight and sound reminds me of him. I'm trying to remember the things about him that bothered me, and all the times I thought about getting out. It's just so hard, because I changed my entire life for our relationship. I just wish that he would express to me his pain and tell me how sorry he is... but I know that he is emotionally crippled (because of his mother), and that I may never get the closure from him that I want.

We are all strong, beautiful women who will find love again!

Sarah

Avatar for bensand
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 7:59pm
Hi Sarah,

It was nice to hear from you ...thank you. It sounds like you are hurting very much , yet trying hard to be strong.

Yes.... knowing that we both love each other so much makes it that much harder! We both really wanted it to work very badly , and we tried. I still don't want to give up, but deep down I think I know he's right - that it just isn't working.I feel so overwhelmed with all these emotions ..... I know I'll make it through, but right now it doesn't feel that way.Like you, I keep trying to think of all the bad things, but I can't seem to. All I think about is how much I love him.....I'm glad we have this message board....

So what happened with you two ? Did he tell you over the phone ? Is he keeping his feelings buried? My BF has been great about expressing how he feels about this. I know he is hurting too.

Hang in there and be strong.I really understand how tough it is.Right now I'm just going minute to minute it seems. One minute I think I'll be okay , and the next I'm crying my eyes out.....

Take care....

Hugs,

Sandra

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 8:14pm
My boyfriend and I probably wouldn't have broken up if it hadn't been for my son. It hurts so bad to know that. We had problems, sure, but they weren't insurmountable. We could have worked through them. But it was the way he interacted with my son that wasn't working. He'd never been around kids before and quite frankly didn't know what to do with the poor guy. Our fighting cycle would go along with the child custody cycle--Tuesay p.m. through Saturday a.m. I had my son. My bf and I would start fighting on Wednesday or Thursday (usually initiated by me due to the incredible pressure of being pulled in two opposite directions by my bf and son). On Friday, things would be strained between us. Saturday after my son went to dad's house, we'd slowly snap out of it and things would be great again--until Wednesday/Thursday. My bf didn't try to talk to my son or play with him, and that hurt me AND my boy. It's so easy to say that I did the right thing by ending it, but I had to choose between the two people I loved most in the world. My relationship with my bf was more loving than any I've ever had. It was the best relationship of my 30 years, and I've never loved anyone more. But he wasn't good with my son. And naturally I had to choose my little boy.

I'm supposed to meet my ex-bf tonight to talk some final things over. Bills and such. Hopefully a little closure for the breakup. At least, I think we are. He said he'd call to confirm the time when he returned from his hike. That was seven hours ago. Damn.

Angie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:56pm
Sandra-

Sorry to be responding so late... just got back from work, and then tried to have late snack with friends. My bf has not called or written in response to my last email, and I'm very frustrated. I can't believe that he has nothing to say to me after three years.

Our story goes like this... we met in graduate school fall of '01. Fell deeply in love. Then, suddenly after two months, he breaks up with me, saying he's not ready for a relationship and that he needs space (by the way, he did that on the phone too.) I begin to realize that this has a lot to do with his relationship with his mother, who is incredibly overbearing and kinda psycho. After I tell him I'm fine and that I'll move on, he tries to draw me in again. I fall for it. We date into the next year, but as soon as the topic of moving in together comes up, we start fighting again. No big deal, I think, we'll just wait. Then, after about a year and a half, he finds out he has gotten in to a Doctoral program 2500 miles away. We talk about it, and after some himming and hahing, we decide to go for it and move there together. To be honest, there were a few bumps, but for the most part it was really wonderful. Then, he goes to Aspen this summer for a career thing, and three weeks into it... bam. He can't handle our relationship, he needs time and space for himself, he needs to grow as a human being. Says he's not sure what he wants. So I write him the next day and tell him that unless he can say for sure that he loves me and wants to be the man in my life, I think it's over.

He has yet to respond. I have no idea what that means, but honestly, it really doesn't matter. As painful as it is, I can't continue to live my life on the edge of my seat, always waiting for the other shoe to fall. We are either jumping into this thing or not, and I deserve someone who believes in me fully and wants my love forever.

I'm still hurting incredibly bad. I feel like he's haunting me everywhere I go. This is really hard, and I don't know when it will start getting easier.

Take care, and write whenever!

Sarah