help, he just called
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| Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:35pm |
To recap the breakup: after almost 2 years together, I ended it, because I got cancer and he couldn't deal, he refused to go with me to the hospital for my biopsies or surgery, and he acted like a selfish jerk throughout, he was not emotionally supportive and basically pressured me to have sex during my recovery. This was the end of March. The breakup was ugly, he told me he hated me and our relationship was something awful he was trying to forget ever happened. Not one word of apology for behaving that way. Not a single effort to try to get back together. I actually had second thoughts and suggested I'd like to forgive him if he could explain what happened, maybe we could try counseling, but he never responded.
So, tonight he calls, out of the blue. Not an anniversary or anything, no good reason for him to call. And he didn't give me any reason why he was calling. We did not talk about the breakup or our relationship. We chatted like people who haven't talked in a while, then hung up with no "I'll talk to you later" or anything like that. What the hell is this about? No apology from him for what happened, no "I want you back," not even an "I've been thinking about you," "I miss you," nothing like that. Just, nice weather, how's your job going, that kind of thing. I ended the conversation because it was weirding me out and just meandering around to nothing at all. Should I have just allowed us to chat as if it were no big deal, or should I have been more hostile about demanding to know why he was calling, what the heck he wanted?
I can't figure out why he called. He mentioned that he had spent part of the weekend with mutual friends, this couple we used to hang out with all the time. One half of this couple works with me now, and saw me and the new guy I'm dating at a work function a couple of weeks ago. I'm sure she reported back to my ex about this. He didn't mention it or ask about him. Why didn't I bring him up, I'm wondering now? I spent time with him this weekend, I could have said something about it, but I didn't. Anyway, so the ex is talking about how he's giving up his street racing thing, selling his modified car, going to buy something more grown up. He also mentions that our mutual friends are thinking about starting a family, and he keeps talking about how it's time for him to grow up and sell his car and get serious.
He also, in a move that kind of creeped me out, asked me about the street where my house is located. He knew I bought a house, but he must have gotten the address from the local spy at work who could get it from the company directory. I don't think he's a stalker, I'm not worried about that, I guess it makes sense he'd be curious about where I went when I disappeared from his life. He asks about the street, mispronounces it, and asks what's the nearest intersection from it. Clueless me, I guess, I just told him (he can get on mapquest anyway, I suppose). What the hell is that about? Is he planning to drop in or something? He also had a lot of questions about the house, which I thought would be a sore subject (I bought it instead of moving in with him), but everything is still all light and casual.
So, is he calling because he's bored and lonely? He didn't suggest getting together. Is he just looking for closure or something? Is this a prelude to a real conversation about us, or is this it? Are these veiled references to settling down some sort of implication that he's not an immature jerk any more? Is he, in typical ex fashion, calling now that I'm basically over him and seeing someone else, just to mess with my head?
Are we talking now? Should I talk with him again? I am so conflicted, because I have to admit I've been missing him quite a bit, and was thinking just yesterday how I wished I could have spent the holiday weekend with him, even thought of how I'd planned to bring him home for this 4th of July to spend with my family, to have a real small-town 4th. That all got blown apart with the breakup, but I was thinking about him last night, dreamed about him, was thinking about him cruising down the highway, and suddenly he just calls me out of the blue. Part of me was so happy to hear from him. I was happy with how cool and composed I was. But I also felt guilty, like how can I be talking with his idiot when I'm dating a nice guy. The nice guy has never touched me as deeply as the ex. Then again, the nice guy has never hurt me as badly as my ex, either.
I'm tempted to call him back and ask what the hell that first call was about, but that seems too neurotic. Do I just leave it and see what he does next? Honestly, I think he would need to do a lot of work to get me back. But, oddly enough, the thought of being back with him just makes me feel panicky and claustrophobic, like there's no way I want to get back into that. I guess that's good, a sign I'm still capable of rational thought, but it was not something I expected to feel. Crap, anyway, I'm hoping for insight/advice about what this might mean and how I should react (if at all). I also think I just lost a bet, I would have sworn that I'd never hear from him again.
Edited 7/18/2004 12:21 am ET ET by milton333

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Do you remember your lowest moment with him that you spoke of? Negotiating his presense at the hospital?? Is this the kind of person you want to warm up to again? You took 1 step up by recognizing his faults and moving on, but you will take 2 steps back if you begin talking to him and opening yourself back up.
Trust me, this is how it all begins and you see where I ended up. Save yourself the further heartache. This man doesn't even deserve to have you answer his calls. You know this.
You and I may not agree on everything but I think you have to do what you think is right for you at this point in time. I would be wondering why the heck he called me after so many months of NC and I probably would wait a few days and then call him and say I am wondering why you called. IF you have something you want to talk about let's talk and give him time to answer. He may want to explain things or he may have no reason- but it would be nice to know what the heck is going on instead of wondering. If he has no reason then I would do what you think is right- your options include being friends, wanting no part of any relationship, telling him you are dating someone else and at this point you are not interested in any kind of relationship...you name it...just figure out what you want.
From my point of view you now have the choice to handle this however you want...but to allow this to eat at you and make you wander what is going on is crazy...just ask.
I know I am in a different situation- my X was always a friend and I have known him for over 20 years. He never treated me badly and was always there for me-- the only thing he did was make a unilateral decision and give up on us. I do not see my relationship with him as this addiction...If I went by the NC route to me that would be like a death...and it did not have to be that way unless that is what I wanted...so although the pain is still there-- we are friends and communicating. I had emailed him once and called. We talked briefly and he wants to be friends (which I knew from the beginning) and does not want to lose that relationship. I am not going to try to make him change his mind about us-- but it is my choice to be friends or not. Clearly that has to be a two- way friendship. He emailed me 2 days later to let me know what was going on in his life and to tell him me values our friendship. So for me the decision was to be friends...it was painful but easy if that makes sense.
Now you have to decide for you what makes the most sense. You can ask him why he called and then decide what you want to do.
I know that may not be the advice you want to hear-- but to be honest it seems to me you want to give him a chance to be a good guy...
tb
Sheri
Since he's not making it clear why exactly he called you, learn from my mistake and don't drive yourself crazy trying to overanalyze the situation (because you will drive yourself insane! =P). Just try to believe that he was calling since it's natural to miss the other person after a breakup (from both sides) and that he just wanted to know how things are going. Until he's made a point to tell you straight out that he wants to try again, then it might be best to believe that things nothing has changed since your breakup an that it won't work out between you guys, even if you tried. So unless you really really wanna know WHY he called, it's best to just leave it alone. Now you need to ask yourself...how do you truly feel about your ex? If you're still in love with him, then you know it's impossible to be his friend cuz' you know you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak. In my situation, I felt I HAD to know what he wanted and why he contacted me again so I asked him to be straight w/ me and he admitted that he wasn't ready for a relationship, but that he didn't wanna lose me and wanted to be friends. I knew I was still in love w/ him and I wasn't gonna hang around pretending to be friends when I wanted more, and even though I missed him SO MUCH I didn't accept any of his offers to see each other cuz' I knew I might end up doing something I might regret, so I told him that I'm still not ready to have any kind of relationship w/ him cuz' it would be too hard. Although I'm kinda feel bad that I let my gaurd down and admitted my feelings for him, I felt good about the fact that I was honest w/ myself and that I didn't waste anymore time agonizing and analyzing our "new" relationship. I was definitely sad about it but I figured, why does everything have to be on his timetable? When Im ready for contact then *I* will contact him. And I am looking forward to having him back in my life, but only when I'm sure that I'm completely over him and not obsess about what he said or didn't say...and if he was sincere about wanting to be friends and not wanting to lose me completely, then he'll be there for me.
Sorry..I was just ranting about my own issues...but I really hope you are able to relate. My point is, don't ask yourself what HE wants from opening this door again...you should ask yourself what YOU want and what YOU are able to deal with. If you're not ready to be friends, accept the fact that you're still a little vulnerable from the break-up and take steps to ensure that you won't get hurt again, even if it means you have to cut him out of your life (again). If you really feel like you need to talk to him about what happened, I agree with another poster, you should wait AT LEAST a week...cuz' most of the time the anxiousness fades and you realize you don't really care that much.
I hope this helps =) Keep us posted
The guy is living his life with a 12-line phone.....and you personally have put yourself on hold, at your own long distance expense. And you're owndering "why" he checks that line occasionally?
Please.......the man doesn't want commitment, obligation, responsibliity - if he did he'd be just as surely telling you that outright as he is saying "how's the job? where you're your new house?"
He just simply heard that you might not be available as a no-obligation source of benefit and admiration - he's picked up Line 11 to make sure that you're still on it. And now you're "on hold" again - still by your own personal choice because your "goal and desire" is to "be what he wants and needs."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
he's back, like you said, in typical ex fashion, to stir up old memories just when you're started dating a nice new harmless guy. i think the thing to be wary of in this situation is being overanalytical, which is easier said than done. it sounds to me like despite all the great things about yoru ex and how happy the two of you were together, he's basically a very self-interested person. he called you probably because he missed you and wanted to chat, but to him its not the beginnings of a reconciliation process, its not a subtle way of saying "im sorry".
what im concerned about is that your ex is saying and doing all the right things to keep you hung up on him without actually having to take any responsibility in terms of a relationship, and without having to make any kind of commitment or even without having any real discussion! telling you he's starting to think about settling down, growing up, bieng an adult--doign the things you wanted him so badly to be able to do with you--he's sending you very vague signals. its only natural you'd think "why is he telling me this" and try to read between the lines. thats where im worried, because i dont know if your ex is capable of putting his money where his mouth is.
its only been a few months...its VERY possible that he's realized he's f*ked up and he wants to start changing, but thats not your problem anymore milton and dont forget that. you need to concentrate on YOUR needs, instead of trying to figure out whats going on in his head. i knwo this is all so easy to say, god knows if my ex called i'd probably freak out and post here frantically lol. i think the best thing to do is take this call at its face value--he called to say "whats up", and you know what, given your history, thats pretty lame. it was nice to hear his voice and catch up a bit, but you're working VERY hard at moving forward , you're seeing somebody new, you're working on your new house and getting busier at work, and you dont need the be dragged down by this memory.
i'd advise against calling him back. i'd advise against re-initiating contact. if he really wants to sow the seeds of a reconciliation then he's going to have to put a LOT of work in, and you'll have to address that as it happens. it sounds to mel ike you handled things very well on the phone with him, playing it cool, not letting yoru insecurities get the best of you, and having a mature adult conversation. we're all very proud of you for that. i think its best for you to return to things as they were before he called you, continue with yoru life without him
if he continues to call you and act like its no big deal, and its really not good for you, at some point you may just have to say something like "im glad to know you're doing well, but im not going to talk to you like you're my pal so if you keep calling im just going to stop answering"
i mean the dude told you when you broke up that he wants to forget the whole relationship ever happened--and that sucks. this guy you're dating now, he might not be as exciting as your ex, but i think he's good for you right now because you need to be reminded that nice guys and nice relationships DO exist, and who knows what this casual dating thing could blossom into?
keep posting any and all neurotic , irratonal and wayward thoughts you may be having. we'll try to give you feedback and encouragement, just remember that you're working on yourself and yoru emotional recovery right now, and its NOT about him anymore.
Well basically i agree with what most people said. Do NOT call him. If he wants to re-initiate something he needs to figure out exactly what it is he needs to do and DO IT! Not beat around teh bush with idle chit chat. Thats not fair to you.
SO for now I would say, take his conversation as it is. Do not asume it means anything more than it did. Do not call him and if he calls you again, with the same banter, then call him on it and ask him why exactly he re-initiated contact. If its because he misses you and wants a friendship then i personally think his approach is selfish, immature and inconsiderate towards you and your feelings. If thats the way he wanted to go he should have been honest with you first in terms of whether thats somehting you would want or are ready for, instead of beating around the bush and being sheepish.
This is no time for games Milton. It isnt fair for you to have to sit and wonder and analyze etc. Whether he wants a friendship or something more, it won't help anyone if things aren't laid out from teh get-go. And it looks like he still hasn't reached that level of maturity and honesty. He may be on the way, but he's not there yet.
So before you start losing your mind that he called you out of the blue, just remember that somebody breaking up with you doesn't mean you get erased from their mind that very second. People still care a lot of the times after a break up, they just don't want the romantic relationship any longer.
He could have just called to check up on you, plain and simple, no sinister motives involved. Take it for what it is, a simple phone call wishing you well.
Saw your reference to this thread on the Mending Broken Hearts Board and thought to jump in with my experiences on this.
I had a BF who had a habit of popping back into my life after a couple of months of absolutely no contact. The first time this happened I took him back with no questions asked. (stupid me....) I just assumed that if he was contacting me again with some sweet & flattering words/gestures, he must want to resume the relationship. Oh, he wanted to resume something, but not the Emotional side of a relationship. Long story short, I found out that he was being duplicitous (he was carrying a torch for a colleague & pondering acting upon it), while leading me on (i.e. promising me that we'll get engaged as soon as he settles into his residency program). In fact, his own best friend told me I'd be better off w/o him. In any case, I dumped his stinking a$$ for good after that. But that didn't stop him from calling, e-mailing, sending me stuff in the mail. Initially, I was relieved to not lose all contact w/ him. It was a small comfort to me that he still thought of me in that way.
Then, one day, I just got tired of the anxiety, pain, obsessiveness that came with hearing from him. I was tired of overanalyzing his every word. I was tired of waiting for his next call/IM/e-mail/letter; and being disappointed when it didn't come. In short, I hated giving him that control over me. He already wasted 2.5yrs of my life.
Shortly after I made the decision to end all contact w/ him, I asked him to pay me the money he owed me and I threatened him with small claims court if he didn't pay up asap. As soon as I cashed his check, I cut him off cold turkey. He asked me to let him know whether I received his check in the mail. I was tempted to e-mail him until I realized that this was yet another way to keep the dialogue going. The way I figured it was if he really wanted to know whether I received the check, he could always call his bank to see if the check had cleared.
I guess where I'm going with all this is:
** IF you do decide to contact your X and you do consider getting back w/ him, just make sure that both of you are on the same base in terms of expectations, shared goals, etc. You don't want to be like me where I took my X back blindly just because he said a few "I miss you"s or "I love yous." Make him prove every word.
** Protect your heart. Don't let your guard down just because he placed a friendly call. Like other posters have already said, he may just be calling to say "hello." I think he has a ways to go until he merits even being a casual friend to you.
** Don't stop doing what you've been doing to heal yourself. I know it's soooo hard not to stop and dissect what his gesture means and to rehash it in your head. But you can't stop living the life you've been living post-breakup just because your X decided he wanted to chat.
Be careful, Milton. You sound like a wonderful woman who has so much to offer and deserves so much in return. I hope this phone call won't set you back in your healing.
Take care,
~Claire
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