I don't understand :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
I don't understand :(
2
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 9:06am
3 months ago my BF and I were happy, talking about moving in and making plans for the future.

Last night we broke up. Things are awful.

He started seeing a therapist a few months ago. She told him he has a fear of abandonment that he keeps reliving with women. So two weeks ago I asked if he wanted to move in and he said no. But I didn't really understand his reasons so we talked a lot this weekend and he told me what the therapist had said about him "reliving his abandonment" so I said well stop the cycle & move in with me.

and he still said no so what can I conclude except that he, who said that he loved me & wanted to be with me all the time clearly did not mean it. So I told him to leave.

But I'm so bummed out :( We always had so much fun together and things were so good. I didn't realize him trying to fix "his issues" would destroy our good relationship.

Any advice.

I sit in a darn cube at work and trying not to cry is taking all my energy so far today

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 10:13pm
You gotta understand that a fear of abandonment means that he puts himself in situations and stays there because he is afraid to be alone. LET HIM go through this right now and be there for him. So he isn't ready to move in - so what! Just let it be for now and allow him to go through this time in his life. It's BETTER to have a healthy boyfriend than one who is not, right?

If you had issues of your own and your boyfriend wasn't supportive and broke up with you, wouldn't that just feel awful? Wouldn't you want your boyfriend to support you and understand?

Honestly, I think if you just give him time to go through this and get himself straight - while you stand by his side - it can work! AND don't be in such a rush to move in. GIVE HIM SOME BREATHING ROOM!!!!

I don't know if you ever have been to therapy or not, but you need support and not people turning their backs. I applaud him for getting healthy. Just allow him to do it at HIS speed and just be okay without moving in. Let him become independent on his own - IN the relationship! That would be awesome for him to be able to learn to do with a wonderful girlfriend that stood by his side!

I say sit down and have a talk and if he is not ready to move in - then you two work on that and both discuss your fears and such. JUST because he doesn't want to move in or isn't ready to move in DOES NOT mean he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:45pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry to here about your crumbling relationship...I know it's hard. I don't think all this meant he didn't love you but that he's trying to break free of his dependency on you....to better himself for the future. It's like the exact opp of a commitment phobe...instead of being scared to commit he's scared to be alone. It will take alot for him to fix this I'm sure. Whether you stick by him or not is completely up to you because you may get hurt either way or you may not. regardless we're here to help.













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