Why am I so weak? I can't let go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Why am I so weak? I can't let go...
6
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:23am
It has been 7 weeks since my break up. We dated 3.5 years, he wanted to date other people, i have been his only serious relationship (he's 29, I'm 33). I have seen him 3 times (sex). I have talked to him on the phone and emailed him, initiated by either one of us. The most I have gone with no contact is 3 weeks. I saw him last night after 2 weeks of NC. I think the holiday had something to with it. It is so hard. He says he still cares about me, but doesn't want to be commited right now. Why can't I get it? He doesn't want to be with me.

I read all of your posts and all of you women are so strong. At the beginning I felt empowered not to talk to him. I thought that he didn't deserve to have me in his life at all. I want to feel like that again.

I think that the longer the times goes on, the more I realize that this is really happenning, he is not coming back. I think that I try to assert some sort of control over this uncontrollable situation. It's like if I see him, I can prolong his hurt and pain, his "getting over" me. I know this is not how it is and I am just hurting myself more.

I feel like if i tell him not to contact me he won't and then what? It seems so scary.

I am in such denial, is this possible after 7 weeks? In the times when we are having NC, I feel ok and am able to get through my day, I am able to wake up in the morning without thinking of him.

Last night with him was like a dream. It was so nice to be with him again. I know he cares about me. He is not a bad guy, and it wasn't a bad break up, I actually initiated it, but he gave me no choice.

I guess I'm just feeling bad and beating myself up for having seen him. I want to be strong. I want to have NC. I don't want to give him what he wants. I'm being his cake and I need to stop for my own self respect and sanity.

AARRGGHH!! Thanks for listening...just needed to put it out there, outside of myself to make more sense of it, to make it more real.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:55pm
Hi - I read your post. I am feeling the SAME way. It has been 2 weeks since my break up. My BF if 2.5 years said that he needed to Find himself.. I have been a wreck, it has been so awful. He was contacting me evwery day since our break up.. Now- NOTHING.. He is making NC... And I cannot call him. What is the point.. I want to see him. I want to be friends.. I dont think he will ever be back, I am scared, nervous everything. What should I do?

He could very well come back after he spends time alone.. I am not sure, But I am having a VERY hard time letting go...

:(

I am here if you need to talk- it helps me to talk about it too.

(((HUGS))) CJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 5:11pm
You are no weaker than the rest of us! It has been 3 months for me and I still deal with the hurt. I would have been in your shoes if I had not told my ex not to call me anymore.

He wanted to continue seeing me (but less) while supposedly figuring out his head and his feelings. We had been seeing each other for a year. I almost went along with it. I loved him enough to give him his space. I felt like he was the one I was meant to be with. Certainly I could be patient while he dealt with issues in his life. That's not too much to ask, is it? He told me he wanted it to work between us, and what we had was so precious to him. But he had so much going on in his life right now(true) that he didn't have time for a relationship (as had been defined by us) But then the next day I asked the million dollar question. I asked him "Do we still consider ourselves to in an exclusive relationship?" and his response was --- "that depends" That's when it hit me that this space thing meant he was planning on dating other women. He had left out that detail, but couldn't lie point blank. He didn't really need space (except from me), and he obviously had time to date other women.

But I knew -- as you are finding out now --that if he really wanted to be with me, it would be on a full time basis, not when convienent for him. I knew that if I continued to see him under those circumstances, it would kill me. The hardest thing I have ever done was to tell him that I would not see him anymore and not to call me.

You know what else, he told me in an email 2 weeks ago that I had probably been right to put distance between us. He told me he had been selfish and cowardly because he knew he would miss me and could bear to break it off totally, (hence the stupid "I need space" line) even though he knew the depth of his feelings didn't match mine -- and probably never would. And here's the kicker---he didn't want to hurt me. Well, it was a little too late for that.

So had I not asked that one question, I would be in your shoes right now. Still hoping that he would come to his senses, and realize what he has in me. Although not seeing him has been torture, continuing to see him would have been worse.

I don't know the answer. But just know that there are people out here who know exactly what you are feeling. There were times, especially during the first 2 months after our breakup, that I would have done anything to be in his arms again. This past weekend was very hard, and I too felt weak. It was like I should be farther along in the healing process, but I have noticed that this weekend was hard for a lot of us.

Damn these wishy-washy, indecisive, ambivalent, selfish, cowardly men(sorry to the guys on the board)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 5:37pm
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT!!!!!

You gotta remember that each and everytime you see him, you are only hurting yourself more.

You are better than that - YOU deserve prince charming - your knight in shining armor - a lover, a best friend, and a companion!

You DO NOT deserve a liar, a cheater, a manipulator, a user, a game player! By continuing to see him and talk to him - you are saying "yeah, I am only good enough to be with someone that doesn't treat me like I need to be treated" and I know you are so much smarter than that!!!!!

So make a vow to yourself today...NO MORE CONTACT. No matter if it makes you insane - NO MORE!!! If you have to cry - cry - if you have to scream - do so - if you need to hit something - get your pillow out - if you have to call someone - call a relative or a friend - if you just don't know what you want to do - eat some ice cream! :) Just STOP the craziness now.

As for when the pain ends..that is different for every person. It took me a solid YEAR to TRULY TRULY get over my ex. I had the hardest time letting go - allowed him to use me for sex - because believe me...that sexual chemistry was awesome and it was the ONLY way I had to hang onto him (or so I thought!) My ex told me every single line there was - he still loved me - still missed me - still thought about me - and he knew what to say and what to do because I'd always be weak and give in and allow him to use me. It took a lot for me to realize that I am SO MUCH better than that, and you know what? Making my mind up to STOP the contact was the BEST thing I could have ever done for myself!

I would still think about him, still miss him like crazy, still was in love for quite some time, but to continue seeing him would have taken SO MUCH longer to let go.

So make yourself a vow now that it's over. No more contact for now until you can heal your wounds. If he calls, don't answer. If he emails, delete it...as a matter of fact - BLOCK his email and BLOCK him from your IMs.

TRUST ME ON THIS ONE...you will NEVER heal if you continue to rip off your scab and injure yourself over and over!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 5:48pm
The solution to your issue is to let him know that he should ONLY contact you if he wants to get back together and give things another try. Otherwise, you need time to get over him and you'll be in touch with him when you're ready to be friends.

This does 2 important things: 1, it gives you the NC you need to heal and 2, it allows you to know that you've told him he has permission to contact you if he wants to try again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:36pm
wings,

Thank you so much for your kind and direct words. My mind knows that I deserve better and need to move on. My heart is a different story. I'm making a promise to myself today that I will not speak/write to him. If he calls/emails I will not respond to him. I realize that I owe him nothing. The longest I've been able to have nc is 3 weeks, now i just gotta get past the hump. I do have a great support system and I need to take advantage of it. This board definitely helps, even if its just reading the other posts.

So...NO CONTACT! NO CONTACT! NO CONTACT...here I go. I can do this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 12:46am
it also came to a point where he stopped making contact. in the beginning he wanted to be friends, now i know why he doesnt, because hes seeing someone else, and that hurts 10x more than when he broke up with me. its still so hard for me not to think about them together, it still makes me sick..but each day is another day, every nite i consider myself lucky to have survived another day, and that tomorrow will give me new hopes of wutever is in store for me. its hard to go through the day tho, but i make myself stronger. its tougfh but we have to do it, we have to pick uo the pieces alone, maybe with guidance from friends and family but end of the day its still us being stronger. so hang in there and like they always say we will get through this...