i've got anniversary blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
i've got anniversary blues
12
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:45am
well 1 year ago today was our first date. we had ony met 2 days before that, when he randomly walked into where we both worked (although we had never before crossed paths, we did work together for 2 yrs) so he could talk to our boss about something. it turns out he was discussing picking up an extra summer shift. so on this day last year he came in to work with me, we spent 7 hrs joking around, laughing, talking and getting to know each other, and i boldly asked him to see a movie with me right after work. from then on we had this amazing summer city romance, plays, restaurants, bars, walking across the brooklyn bridge, so many late night talks...and i never EVER imagined what a disappointment it would all turn out to be.

it seems like last year is so far away. what im feeing now is a heavy sadness, a loneliness thats associated with being let-down and cast aside. im realizing that being a giving, loving, genuine person is not enough. my best was STILL not enough to save this. my eloquence escapes me and the word "disappointing" is hte only 1 i can really conjure up to express my feelings.

it seemed like my ex was everything i'd ever wanted. yet...he abandoned me. i feel like SO much time has passed sincelast summer, we both grew and changed so much that even by the time we were breaking up we were already older...(i mean, of course we wereolder, but you know what i mean). and now i feel like everything associated with him may as well havebeen years ago, becauseim so far removed from the carefree, live in the moment college girl that i was last summer.

i have all kinds of insecurities right now. im hurt,and im afraid to ever open up and let somebody in again. i know htastnormal and will fade with time. itslike when you're sick and you're starting to feel better, but if youdont continue to rest and rebuild your defenses you'll just get sick again because yourbody is more vulnerable. so i have to work on that rebuilding. and imterribly afraid my ex is with somebody new. i havent read his livejournal ina month, and althoughim curious i dont want to because no matter what i wont be happy with what i read.

when does it stop matterig what they think? when do we stop wondering, "hey, does he miss me? is he thinking of me?" why does it take so long to heal a broken heart? did i ever matter to him? did he ever love me? has he already started dating somebody new? when will i meet somebody who will truly be able to love me as completely as i love them?and when will i stop asking these questions?

thanks forreading ladies, i posted this mostlyfor my own venting/reflecting purposes...but your thoughts and support would be appreciated, as it has been for the past 4 months...you guys and this board have been such a comfort to me. thank you :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 8:22pm
Hi Ace,

It's totally normal to feel blue during milestone dates (i.e. anniversaries, holidays). The key is to keep yourself busy during these times - so preoccupied that you don't allow yourself to feel sad or depressed. I have a hopefully inspiring story about "milestone" dates that I'd like to share with you.

May 16,2003 was my X's graduation from medical school. The previous week was my graduation from MBA school. They were two huge events that both of us had been eagerly awaiting for the entire time we were together (2.5yrs). But as Fate had it, we broke up 4.5mos earlier. During the weeks leading to our respective graduations, I got more & more depressed. My X & I had promised each other - that no matter what- we would attend each other's graduations. As my X put it, "this is as much yours as it is mine." However, considering the nature of our breakup, we didn't attend each other's graduation ceremonies. The day before my graduation I went to campus to pick up my tassel and ran into doctorate students who were graduating. At that point, I just lost it. I cried all the way back to my car and all the way to work and then some.

My graduation day dawned and I realized that this was about me, not him or us. Despite all that my X said, it wasn't his accomplishment. It was me who graduated Dean's List, while managing a full time staff at a large investment firm. He had nothing to do with that. I was always there for him, but not vice versa.

So when his graduation day came, I wasn't depressed - to my surprise... and delight. In fact, I had already made plans to go out with my girlfriends because I promised myself I was NOT going to sit home & mope. As Fate had it, I met my present BF that day. It was so ironic - for 2.5 yrs, I looked forward to spending that day - May 16- w/ my X celebrating our accomplishments. Then I meet someone completely different on that very day. I wasn't looking or expecting to meet anyone so soon. I had already resigned myself to being alone for awhile. In hindsight, God was/is so good to me. As I told you on the Mending Broken Hearts Board, I was an emotional wreck during this time. On the outside, I looked completely recovered; but inside, I was bitter & angry. Over the course of our relationship, my (current) BF helped nurse my broken heart back to a trusting & happy one. About my X? he continued to contact me and was even kissed my a$$ when he found out about me graduating with honors.

Well, ok, this was a long story; so I'll stop now. Moreover, I hope you've derived even some small comfort from reading it. I've been where you are, and I honestly can tell you, that it does get better. As you pass each milestone, you will feel stonger & stronger to the point where the milestone becomes just another day.

Take care,

~Claire

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 8:44pm
I wanted to answer some of your questions below:

you said: <>

Sweetie, there's no hard & fast rule on when you'll finally stop caring. It's been over one year for me but there are still times when I wonder what my X is up to or if he still thinks about me. I've wondered whether he's felt my loss from his life and whether he's regretted his deceptive behavior. Then I quickly snap out of it and remind myself that it doesn't matter what he thinks anymore. Even if he were to rue the day we broke up, I wouldn't want him back because he is a weak, immature, selfish mamma's boy. What is to stop him from hurting me again in the future when/if he gets "scared" and decides to run?!!

We, strong & beautiful women, deserve men equally strong & kind- men who are able to stand on their own and who would go into life's everyday battles w/ us without flinching. There are men like that out there waiting for women like us. We just had the misfortune of running into the wrong ones first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:23pm
claire,

would you like to adopt me? i have a full time job and am very self sufficient, and will never need my diaper changed. let me know if this sounds good to you cos i'd love to move into your house and gobble up your little nuggets of wisdom all day :D

okay, so honestly,yeah your story about your graduation did make me feel good. it reminded me of something i already knew, which is, things never happen the way we expect. i know its normal to reminisce on milestones and i probably wont stop doing that for a long time.

are you really sure there are guys out there who have the patience to remind us that its okay to love again? i mean i know there have been for others, but for some reason i refuse to believe there are for me...i mean my ex was the first person in my life to make me feel special and even he dumped my ass in the end...i knwo im lovable and all, but why would somebody BOTHER? why would you want to chisel at somebody's walls when there's probably somebody out there for whom you dont have to do that?

i wonder if it will take getting involved with somebody else for me to stop caring...i dont want to believe that...but maybe? i know my ex thinks of me, but...i wonder if he truly realizes how hurtful it is to abandon somebody. i dont think he'll realize it until ti happens to him, which i sortof hope it does muwahahaha

do you and your ex ever talk now? or have you really accepted his immaturity and decided "hey, screw it, he's a fact of the past"

the idea of never talking to my ex, of not being his friend...it hurts and makes me feel empty to think he's out of my life forever, as if he was dead and not just a subway ride away...

and like i said in my original post, SO much has changed in this year yet i STILL like fundamentally my ex and i could connect better than i could with anybody else....the changes are superficial, but underneath it all we are kindred spirits...its such a shame i've lost a best friend in all of this...

will the next one be just as good? is your new bf just as good or better?

im thinking at this moment last year we were in a movie theater together, nervous to hold hands, as if we were middle schoolers or something. he told me later he didnt know if that was a date or if i was just "really friendly". of course when we were in bed 2 weeks later he was pretty sure it was a date lol.

will it ever be that good again? probably not right...sigh....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 11:13am
My ex and i's anniversary is coming up in 2 weeks...... To be honest, I never thought about it until I read your post!

Well now that I have that much notice, I'm going to make a point of making plans with some friends or family to do soemthing that day, so i'm not stuck at home thinking about it.

Really, anniversaries don't mean anything. In today's day and age, being with someone for a year apparently doesn't mean a thing to anyone anymore. I've read posts where after 6 years, 10 years, the relationship comes to an end. I know the amount of time my ex and I spent together meant nothing to him, it's like he threw almost 2 years down the drain. I don't mean to sound bitter, but that's definteley helping me. It's gotten to the point I don't keep track anymore, and I don't look forward to "anniversaries". Because you never know if you're gonna be around for them.

I hardly doubt your ex even remembers or has put any thought into what day you guys started dating. Really, I do. Most men that I know don't even know what TODAY'S date is. Let alone a date from over a year ago. It's just something us girls do for some reason. We're more sentimental. But i can almost gauruntee that your ex, or mine, have no idea what day we started dating. So if they don't care, why should you? It meant nothing when the break up happened, so it should mean nothing now. It's just a date on a calendar. We don't sit here crying amd moping each time the date that we broke up comes around now do we? We broke up on the 24th or something of april. Each time the 24th rolls around, I sure don't sit here and cry. I don't celebrate the break up date. :P So anniversaries are kinda the same deal. So try and hang in there. It's just 1 day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 12:07pm
well actually...im quite sure my ex remembers...he's the 1 who remembered every month for the whole time we were together...not that we celebrated monthly anniversaries, but he'd always be like "wow, i cant bleieve its been 4 months today"

im not crying over the anniversary. i was just remembering thats all.

my ex was not an insensitive, inconsiderate person. the entire time we spent together he was constantly surprising me with romantic gestures and kind words. it was only in the break up that i was disappointed. i am not going to lie to myself and pretend that this loss has not hurt me. im not going to pretend i dont still have feelings for my ex. and i cant villainize him and say he never cared about be because i know thats not true.

anyway, the day is passed is time is rolling along. eventually i'll move on. but i dont believe that men suck. i dont believe relationships are fruitless. i dont believe that romance is dead. and i dont believe my ex was a jerk. if i think those things, i will lose hope not only in the past but also in the future. so whether or not its a lie, i have to believe it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 12:19pm
A Long distance relationship...

June 13, 2002....the first time we talked...

August 23, 2002....the first time we met....

August 25, 2002.....our first kiss....

October 11, 2002...the first time we made love...

December 27, 2002.....our first trip together..

February 15, 2003...Our first fight...was going to propose...

October 4, 2003.....we broke up....

December 24, 2003....last time we talked...

Some of us pay attention....

some of us do try.....

some of us really do love...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:15pm
absolutely,

I didn't mean to offend any men that DO try in their relationships. I was just stating that most that *i* know personally don't. Using my ex as an example.

I have yet to meet a man (besides yourself), who can pin point the dates exactly as to when they met, or first kissed, or broke up, with their girlfriends. That's all.

I definetely give you cudos for keeping "track" like that, and being that thoughtful. Most men i've come across can give an idea of when all that happened, but most are usually off by a few weeks, sometimes even months, helly, my ex couldn't even get my birthday right half the time. That's all. I just feel it's more common in women to remember, or try and remember dates like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:22pm
Looks like we're online at the same time :P

Yeah i didn't mean to make it sound like he's a jerk, and he's careless. I guess what i said came out wrong because monkeyboy took it to heart too.

I definetely didn't mean to attack the male species, and I didn't mean to generalize, or specify that your ex was like this. I was just stating that judging by most men that i know personally, my ex being one of them, this is what i've found. That's all.

This is where our situations differ. You say your ex was always providing nice gestures and what not. Mine didn't, and perhaps maybe thats why i'm so bitter towards most of this. It's not him i'm bitter towards.. just the whole situation. I would never call my ex a jerk either, because he's not. It just wasn't in his nature to surprise me with a nice things, or do romantic things. He's not that kind of person and i relize that. But, it would have been nice if he made a point of trying once in a while to make me feel special. Maybe he knows the date of our anniversary, maybe he doesn't. I will admit, i'll be shocked and appalled if he even knows the month that we started dating in. Not saying he's careless either, he cared, alot, he just rarely showed it, and when he did, he had a weird way of doing it.

Ok so maybe this is one aspect of your relationship we're not similar in, and i can't understand. Up until now, it sure seemed like we were dating the same freakin guy! Kinda scary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 9:38pm
you said: <>


- aaaaw, Ace, you are so sweet :) Thanks for the props. It's nice to know that what little wisdom I have about men & relationships comes in handy every so often ;-D

So about your lingering doubts of finding Mr. Right, it's totally normal to feel trepidation, wariness, & cynicism after a breakup- esp. one as recent as yours. At this point, you're still reeling from the loss. Your X left you for absolutely no reason, so your self esteem took a hit in the process. But part of the healing process is realizing & believing that it was NOT you, or anything you did or didn't do. You are lovable, sucessful, beautiful, kind- what is there not to love? These very attributes are the ones that will attract & keep Mr. Right.

You asked <> True. But you also bring a special element- unique to you- that Mr. Right will not be able to live without. He will love you enough to fight for you and to win your trust & love. I'm not just saying this to make you feel better. I honestly believe this. I've seen this happen to my friends - men & women alike- as well as to me.

You asked about my X- whether we still talk or communicate? No, we don't. We haven't communicated (or rather, I haven't communicated with him) since mid Oct. 2003. I would rather it be like this. Because everytime I had contact with him reminded me of the pain & disappointment he brought to my life. I didn't want to be an angry or bitter person and I didn't want to give him that control over me.

you said: <>

- "...just as good?" hmmm... not sure I agree with this description. If the relationship w/ the X had truly been "just as good," we wouldn't be on this Forum because we'd still be with them. So, in answer to your question, the next relationship should be better; because you'll have grown & learned more about yourself, your boundaries, expectations. You'll be able to bring this inner growth to your next relationship.

To answer the latter part of your question, yes, I do believe that my current BF is better than my X. Yes, my X has the prestigious job (pediatric neurologist), w/ the "right" acronym behind his name. But at the end of the day, he put his own selfish needs ahead of us, me... and lied continuously about it. Moreover, my current BF is no less accomplished. While he doesn't save lives like my X, he does bring joy into people's lives by helping create digital animation for major movies. It's this patient, happy & youthful outlook he brings into our relationship that has helped me overcome my anger & bitterness. He's more "there" for me than my X could ever be. He's also alot more attentive, honest, trustworthy, and stronger than my X. And it helps that he's also alot better-looking ;-P LOL

So you see, people who have been burned by love in the past, can & do find better (or more compatible) mates.

Keep your chin up, sweetie. Don't worry about not being able to find another love right away. Concentrate on you, in the meantime. The rest will fall into place.

Take care,

~Claire






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 9:25am
I am so sorry that you are going through this and I clearly do not have the answers. In some ways I have the same questions as you have and hate to think that I will still have the same pain 1 year later. I guess all I can say is that we are human. We will continue to have our ups and downs and we will continue to question things but hopefully we can begin to feel better about ourselves with time. Thinking of them will always be painful - because we were never given the chance to come to the realization that it would not work. We are left with thinking - it was great and it would be forever. They made these unilateral decisions that affected us and were unwilling or unable to discuss the problems or concerns they had. That hurts and the thought of that will always be painful.

I hope you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you much peace in your heart.

tb

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