got myself in a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
got myself in a mess
9
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:12pm
Well about 4 weeks ago my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me, claiming our lives are too different and he needs to be alone to find happiness. See I have a child but this is something he knew from before day one. He also had become very involved with my son. My ex claims he still wants to be friends and we had 2 weekends planned - one on 6/18 and this past weekened.

Shockingly we had a great time, we ended up doing "the deed" and have done it a few times since, the thing is, I don't know if I'm truly OK with being his friends and this is just physical or am I using this as a reason not to let go. I mean he is a great guy and we have so much fun together, we have the exact same sense of humor and likes and dislikes.

When we are together now, we are having even more fun and he is actually calling me more and seems more attracted to me, but then he is always sure to put in that "we are just friends right?" - I don't know how to feel?

Is it healthy to continue this type of relationship or do I lose this great guy all together? Ugghh, this is so tough, please any advice would be appreciated.

-Am

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:48pm
Well, he knew the break-up was coming long before you did.

And basically he's just reminding you after every encounter that you're "just friends".

Meaning he has no obligation to meet your needs, or consider your needs - more than "as a friend".

If you're okay with sleeping with your friends - continue doing it. You might consider a discussion about physical exclusivity - there is no reason not to be "friends" of this nature with osmeone else and you at the same time - afterall you're just "friends".

But I wouldn't have him interacting with your child. Because this isn't going t o result in a relationship.

He simply has brought it back into the square one - no obligation/all fun dynamic that it was in the beginning of meeting. Not to "start over" - but because he likes fun, sex, companionship without obligation and requirement....and that is precisely what he's got now with you, with someone who knows how already to please him sexually and is by her actions agreeing to "this is just friendship".

Basically, don't be too suprrised ifyou say nothing and just enjoy this to have him at some point "stand you up' - or be somewhere with you and hit on another girl, get her number or perhaps takeher home....afterall, you're just friends. And what he would do with his guy friends in social situations - is waht he'll do with you in social situations.

It's just that in the bedroom - you two have the ability to connect physically in a way that he can't with Fred and Joe.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:21am
Erin- thank you so much, your words were a huge help!
Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:54am
Unfortunately it is NOT healthy to continue this type of relationship. He is having his cake and eating it too.

My ex and I did the same thing. He acted to sweet, so attentive, so loving and caring, but it was only for the time we were together. It took me a while to think "okay, so he spent the night with me tonight, but he is free to go and do this with someone else tomorrow and I can have NO say in it because we are "just friends" and are not committed to one another!" I realized that wasn't good enough for me and I ended it (after a few more times.)

The problem with this type of "friend" relationship is that YOU are the one with the feelings and he is the one without. Yeah, he cares about you - but obviously not enough to be in a committed relationship. He cares about you enough to sleep with you but not be your boyfriend.

Personally, men that do that, make me sick. I guess because I have been in your shoes and allowed it to happen. It literally took all my self-esteem, self-worth, self-love away. All because I couldn't let go and I allowed myself to think that by AT LEAST having this sexual connection - he'd still be in my life as a "friend". A "friend" would never use and hurt someone like that!

Sweetie, it's heading for disaster! I caution you to REALLY think about what you are doing. If you can TRULY be happy with this type of situation with him and have NO OTHER expectations other than sex, then you will *maybe* be okay - but if there are still feelings involved I can only urge you to break free of it right now!

You deserve a man that wants to be with YOU. ALL OF YOU. ONLY YOU. Not someone that wants to be nice to you just for a piece of a$$. Sorry if I sound blunt, but I have seen this situation one too many times and it just irritates me!

Sweetie - he needs to treat you like the queen you are - which he clearly isn't. Yeah, he's calling more and being nicer, but he also knows his "reward" if he is.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REALLLLLYYYYYY think about this and REALLY decide if this is what you *TRULY* want or if this is just a way to hang on...

With all my love,

Denise

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 3:14pm
Thanks Denise for your blunt honesty.

I guess I really am holding on to just having him around. See after the intial break up all I could do was cry. I couldn't eat or sleep. Then when he says he wants to be around and especially in a sexual way, I guess I felt that there was hope. This is sooo hard- because as cheesy as it sounds I feel like a can't function without him in my life, but your right - I can't subject myself to this.

And now it's to the point where it's probably too late to tell him that I was using this as just friends, so I risk losing his friendship. But would a friend sleep with their friend and especially knowing all the hurt and pain emotionally they just put them through?

I guess I've known all along this isn't healthy, but it was that connection to him. I'm so mad right now and hurt and still can't figure out why....what happened that made him not want to be committed to me and only me.

Should I just distance myself completely?

Help!

Am

amlinton1102@aol.com

Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 7:02pm
I would distance yourself completely right now - until you figure out what you want.

I so understand where your feelings were coming from. When my ex and I split I just thought him and I could be this "cool" couple that if he was sleeping with me - he won't need to sleep with others. Which may or may not have been true - honestly I don't know - but he had the opportunity should it arise to do that - without me getting upset because I "knew" he only wanted us to be "friends". I felt that if we at least had contact and we at least remained "friends" I'd be able to know where he was and what he was doing. (At the time I didn't realize it was a control issue!) I also felt that "hey - if we can remain friends and still sleep together - it was better than losing him altogether"!

All those thoughts were wrong. Wrong in the fact that he wasn't a "friend" - we just had a sexual chemistry that kept us hanging on. He hung onto the comfortableness of the sex, I hung onto the emotional aspect (which in reality was already gone.)

So you gotta just decide what is TRULY in YOUR best interest. If hanging onto someone that was gone before he already did the breaking up, someone using you for his own selfish reasons, and someone that reminds you constantly that you are only his friend (although you are sleeping with him), is what you want then you can stay doing what you are doing.

BUT - I think that isn't what you want - you want the fairy tale - you want the love - the respect - the caring - the desire - the committment you ONCE had. You can't get any of that back because for some stupid reason - he isn't in that place anymore.

You are scared to lose him as a friend - but ask yourself this...

Would a TRUE friend use you, disrespect you and lie to you? He isn't a friend, only an ex who still thinks he can come around whenever he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Girl you are a survivor and you'll get through this! You are smart, beautiful, sexy, sweet, caring, loving, understanding, sincere, honest, funny, wonderful!!! I don't even know you and I can see that! So lift your chin up and start realizing how great you are and how much of an IDIOT this guy is to lose the best thing that ever walked into his life! Laugh your ass off and go celebrate getting rid of him! You CAN and WILL find someone who treats you like YOU want and need - on YOUR terms and not only on his!!!

Best of luck...

Denise

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 7:34pm
Hi Am,

I'll just add to the chorus that is saying, been there done that, and DON'T DO IT!!!

I know how tempting it is, and that you are not at your strongest right now. That is why this is such an incredibly hard thing to say no to. But you just gotta do it. It will save you so much pain.

I did the "friends with benefits" thing with my ex for awhile. Like you, I always felt that he was so much more attentive and our conversations and sex were so much better after the break up (yes this happened 3 times). He always said it was because he "didn't feel trapped anymore" and i just went with it bcos it felt so comforting, blah blah blah.

I think in retrospect, as someone else replied, I did it in part to keep an eye on him, keep in his life, so i could see what he was up to. This is a bad thing, not a good thing. trust me, you don't want to be involved with him in any capacity if he's getting it on with someone else, you want him OUT of your frame of reference. actually i don't think my ex ever did, but i wondered about it so much, it was probably just as tortuous as if he was seeing someone.

But basically what it comes down to is respect. If he is treating you this way, taking what you have to give w/out giving you his love and commitment, he does not respect you. he does not respect you enough to consider your feelings or your needs. he's just getting what he wants from you, and doesn't care about the effect of that on you. And if you are going along with it, you are not respecting yourself. that is the worst feeling in the world, not being able to hold your head high. feeling that you have voluntarily accepted a role in a relationship where you are completely powerless, helpless, your emotional well being is in the hands of a guy who doesn't care for you enough to give up a single thing. it's so destructive to your sense of self, to your whole outlook on life, to be controlled like that. if you can't respect yourself, what have you got really?

and yeah it hurts and it's lonely and it takes HUGE amounts of willpower to say "no" to what appears to be the outward appearance of what you missed so much. BUT in the words of fiona apple:

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 7:38pm
Honey please!! How can you call this man great??? He is using you to get what he wants. He doesnt care about your feelins,it seems to me like all he cares about is himself. Ya'll broke up and are still having sex?? So he is thinkin that he aint gotta be with you to get the sex cuz you're givin it to him anywayz. He is gon continue to treat you that way as long as u let him. He is not gon just up and change his mind cuz he is gettin all the goods just bein ur "friend". I suggest that you cut him off & let him go. You have already said that your feelins were involved and as long as u have contact with him those feelins are not gonna automatically go away. If you do choose to let him stay in your life then be ready to deal with all the emotional pain that he is guaranteed to bring. Sorry I didnt sugarcoat it either but I agree with Denise. You deserve way better. I was in a similar situaton and Im still dealin with it every day. I hope everything works out for you tho.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 11:54am
Thank you all!!!

I guess I know the truth deep down, I just didn't want to believe that he'd do something like that to me. I also know that I am wrong for holding on. I feel like such and a$$ right now. I just don't want the pain, but I guess thats inevitable.

Thank you ladies and I'm sure I'll be in touch posting, I need help through this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 12:09pm
Hi!

Just to say I am in the excact situation right now and tonight I am going to have sex with him and I think I am in love(I dont know what it is..) but actually its me that needs the sex very much also and it was my suggestion. I know its not really a smart thing to do, as I read all these posts I know that it counts for me the same, but tonight is my decision I will be in charge, it is for me to say goodbye and then tell him to leave. Then I will close the whole thing (I dont have much of a choice) and feel sad...but not for long because i am already at that point that I am starting to feel good about myself again and this night is the last one! OK!!!!!!!!!!???????

Ps..I have a child also and I dont let her see him anymore at all because I know already since a while that he aint gonna be around for long and I dont want her to see another 'daddy' leaving. Protect your child from these selfish guys. I feel like these guys let us go because they think something better might be waiting around the corner, well, one day they will realise what a great thing they trew away and they will regret it soooo much! But by then we are long over them!

Big kiss, Samie