how do i get him back..please help!
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| Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:17pm |
Amy,
I have the feeling that writing to you is going to be a much better method at this point in the relationship and I appreciate the idea. Right now I understand that you are going through an enormous amount of pain, frustration, confusion, and know I don't believe that you are crying all day but feeling normal sadness that anyone else would in this situation. I can only imagine how confused you must have been when I first broke the news to you that I was done with the relationship and wanted to stop trying, especially after we seemed to be doing so well. I guess that it is the hardest part for me to explain and I would really like to try.
First you must understand that I have loved you every moment that we have been together and always will, forever. You have been there for me in almost every way a women could and more amazing you are only 27 and was willing to give up parts of your life for me. That says so much about you and the way you treated this relationship and I just want you to know that it didn't go unnoticed. You also put everything you had on the line to make this work and never gave the impression that you wanted to give in and or give up. You stood strong to words and constantly amazed me with new ideas and fun things to do together. We truly had a good time almost everywhere we went and I felt so comfortable with you in almost any situation we were presented with. That says so much about us, and you have brought that to my attention and I just wanted you to know I felt that same way.
Second I want you to know what has been going through my mind for most of the relationship and maybe why it was happening. When I first started this relationship I was looking so badly to share things with and have someone to listen to me. I was, for one of the first times, alone and was so happy to have someone that could talk on the phone as much as I did. And we talked. That was how I fell in love with you, learning more about you and sharing new thoughts and have nervous giggles. We really started off well and ran with it. And ran with it. Before I knew it I was asking you to come to Omaha and pretty much opened the door to a relationship within a couple of weeks. It went so fast but felt so good. The problem with that is that I might not have been doing it for the right reasons and by that I mean I was looking for a relationship and not a girlfriend. Well, in a matter of no time we were just that, and I really began to like it. We clicked in so many different ways it was crazy, it was scary. As time passed and we started taking it to the next step, me moving there, you moving here, my thoughts were a little different and I wasn't sure how to decipher them. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this because I didn't want to lose you or if I was doing this because I was feeling so much pressure to keep us going. I truly didn't know what the difference was. So when you say that I was feeling pressure, you were right, and I am person that tries to make everything right and I have a problem saying no to things that might not be what I truly want to happen. Finally, as the decision to move to Chicago was being scratched into the concrete I told my heart to stop. And it did.
The problem with this is you don't understand how I could just stop loving. How I could just turn it off and walk away. Well the truth is that I have been fading for some time and when I decided to say stop it felt right. I can't really explain why it feels right but it does. What comes with that? A very confused girlfriend that thinks it is her fault for all of this and for pushing me away and she thinks she can put it all back together. You must first know that this is not because of you and you did not cause all of this no matter what you tell yourself and no matter what has been happening on our phone conversations lately I am not the person I am coming off to be. I come off that way because I become so frustrated with the situation and seeing you pull so hard for this makes me feel horrible and I just want to get off the phone.
I am trying really hard to look at it from the point of view that if we were to start over and take it slow that we would start to feel those things we at one time felt so strong. But I know my heart is not willing to do that and it makes me so short with you and makes you feel as if I don't care about a single thing that we have shared, but that is so far from the truth. You see Amy, I know we have something special and we work so well with one another. I also know that I have lost something in my heart for you that can never be regained no matter what we were to put it through and in return I am being so stubborn I am hurting you. I never want to hurt you and never want to lead you in a direction that is not the truth. I think you believe that by me telling you all of those wonderful things and then ending it, you think that this was all a lie and that is so far from the truth becausse in my heart I wanted this to work so bad and that is why I pushed for those thoughts.
Right now, if there is one thing I do know it is that I never have meant to hurt you in any way. And I recognize that you would be willing to do anything for this relationship. I also know that my heart is ready to move on and wish I could have talked to you about this some time ago because it wouldn't have been such a shock to you. You must know that there was no way of stopping these feelings no matter if you were to have changed a year ago or changed today. It is just one of those things a heart does and you can't really explain why it is doing it.
I just want you to know that from this point on if and when we talk on the phone next I will be as considerate as possible but know that I really struggle with any thoughts about a future because it is so against what my heart wants or needs right now. I want to be able to help you through this time of you life and you can help me through mine but it is time that we start taking our own paths. Amy I am so sorry that this is the way things are right now in our lives and I don't fully understand them. I guess I don't know what else to say except for that the fact that I love you so much and I truly pray for you at all times of the day and think about what we had for so long. You are truly an amazing women and I will talk to you soon.
love,
adrian

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I give him major credit for being a man, and being able to explain it to you like that. that must give you some closure. I wish all of our ex's were as noble and courageous as he is.
After reading that, all I can really say is, he knows what he wants, and it's not the relationship you two had. He made it quite clear he's been thinking about it ALOT, for a long time, and he's done what he says is the right thing for him to do.
He definetely doesn't leave anything unclear, and he definetely made it known that it's him, not you, and that you shouldn't be feeling any remorse or feeling like you could have change something. Somewhere the relationship just wasn't working for him, and he relized it, thought about it, and then did something.
Really, it seems, you can't "get him back". He truly loves you if he took the time to write that. He truly cares about what happens to you and how you feel. He's genuine.
All i can say, is get closure from this, read it as many times as you need to, but relize it's over, and you need to let him go. He took the hard way out, not the easy one (like my ex), and he's done his best. So now do your best, in letting him go. If you need us, we're here for you.
Like the OP suggested, read and re-read the email again. You will be surprised how the perspective changes with each reading. Even now, I can look at something he wrote 3 months ago and find myself saying ---S.O.B.- that's what he was telling me -- It is only because I am reading with my head, instead of my heart. Please take care of yourself. You are still an amazing person with or without him.
Lois
Let me tell you something, a man who is ready to be in a commited relationship, who understands that it requires honesty and vulnerability and somtimes awkwardness, would not have broken up with you this way. He would have respected you enough to voice his misgivings abouthte relaitnship awhile back, and before it was too late. You both, together would have been able to try to work it out. And if it didn't you would have had a mutual split. I understand that feelings change, its true, sometimes the love disappears, but i can guarantee you it will disappaer if the person doesnt DO anything about it.
What people fail to see is that love isnt something you "fall into". It is a verb, you have to LOVE actively for it to work. And you have to do so constantly. You cannot sit back, hope a problem will go away, then once it did say "oh well its not meant to be". But realizing that comes with maturity which your ex (ys i know its hard to see and sya but he IS your ex) does not have.
You have to let him go. Keep your dignity and walk away. Tell him not to contact you for awhile because you need to get through this without him. Him "helping you through" is not going to help anyone but him. It will appease his guilt. Now is hte time to stand up for what you need in life. You need to be strong, you need someone mature enough to love you properly and you need to move on.
Trust me I know exactly how you feel. It will get better, and although you won't believe it now, if you do the 'no contact' you will feel better faster. Do not prolong the ineviatble.
I have been in the same exact situation 5 weeks ago. It is still so painful. We have been best friends for over 20 years and our relationship has taken so many turns over the years. We were first loves who refound our love and it was incredible...I thought we could talk about anything. The only negative I can think of in our relationship was that he made this unilateral decision that it would not work -out of the blue and he was so sorry that he hurt me. He said he wanted to be friends and would always be there for me. That helps him -- but not necessarily me.
But melevanson is right- he should have discussed his concerns with you and you could have come to whatever point you came to together. He has moved on and wants to be friends. You are left with trying to figure out what you want. You are human and are probably in alot of pain. But you will have to figure this out for yourself and you may not have the right anwser right now-- but that is OK. You can't make him change his mind...but you can be you and let him see this wonderful person that he lost.
When I flew down and saw my X 4 weeks ago I told him I was not sure if I could be his friend. He understood and said whatever I wanted he would respect - he told me how much he loved me and all the right things-- that was easy for him.
Ultimately, I decided I wanted to try to be friends with my X but I need it to be on an even field. It has to be a 2 way street and he has to want to work at it too. We talked for the first time in about 3 weeks last week. I called him. It was a brief but nice conversation. He emailed 2 days later...a really nice email...but this too is painful for me. I am trying to find the middle ground and that is not easy. I called him yesterday and it was awkward...so yes you will have to decide for yourself how you want to handle this. No matter what route you take it won't be easy...but you have to figure out what you want at this point. All you can do is deal with your own feelings - you cannot change his.
My only advice - trying to convince him he is wrong will only make him feel more right...and make you feel worse. Try to keep your emotions intake and think with your head not your heart...definitely easier said than done.
post here often- it helps.
tb
I do have to give this person's ex credit for having the guts to write such kind things (even if its only making him feel better). When my ex broke it off, i didn't get anything, i didn't even get the "its not you, its me" speech. No see you later, f*** you, nothin. I didn't get any closure what so ever from him, and that made my coping with the break up 10 times worse. I had no idea why it happened.
By this guy writing this email, its atleast giving her a chance to have the closure that i wish I had. I wish my ex would have had the decency to explain his actions. Given me some kind of reason. I feel that this guy who wrote the email, did a good job of explaining how he was feeling when he called it off. He's also showing that he HAS regards for HER feelings as well. Even if he took the easy way out and wrote it in an email, he still did it. He's showing that its' not that he stopped caring for her, its just that he felt deep down it wasn't working, and he had his reasons to do so. He's simply letting her know that she's special, and it's him that has the issues, not her. And i think thats important, especially when you're trying to get over him. I dunno, that's just my opinion. I know i personally would have liked some sort of explaination like this guy has given her.
I really think the stem of the problem is this...he just graduated college, finished playing college baseball, and was feeling the pressure of moving to a new city, a city he didn't really like that muich, taking a new job, getting a place to live, getting a car, leaving his friends and family and most of all i think he felt if he moved here, that was it, he would have to marry me. That's a lot for anyone to take in let alone a 23 year old. But what gets me is why would he fly here for interviews, why did he take the job here in chicago, why didn't he tell me he was scared or pressured or confused? We would have worked things out..i would have done anything for him not to feel that and make him feel better.
I am just sad and confused..i wish he would try again..see that it's most likely just being scared.
Thank you so much again, you have no idea how much this board has helped me...
my heart is with you all.
amy
I know that what you are going through is so hard and confusing and hurtful. But you must not make excuses for him, "being scared", "feeling pressured". If he couldn't come to you with those problems then that is not your fault. Making excuses is natural, but it doesn't help. You need to be true to yourself and to the situation. He has made a decision and he did kind of explain it to you. My advice to you would be to take control of this situation. Focus on the things you can change and not those that you can't. Yes he made a decision, but if you keep allowing this contact then he thinks you need him and he doesn't need you. I know you are crushed and if it was me I think hearing all of those nice things would make me feel even worse. You need to keep your pride and dignity in this situation, as hard as it is. You can take control of this situation by taking the information he gave you, processing it truthfully, (not making excuses or assumptions) and decide when you want to talk to him. Being in love is not an easy thing, and letting go is even harder. I think you are smart girl and you know what you need to do. I know how bad it hurts and I am so sorry. cry when you need to and be strong when you need to. You can get through this!
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