Tryin to let go.....HELP!!!!
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 07-09-2004 - 4:47pm |
Well during this time we only saw each other on the weekends. We would talk on the phone all durin the week tho. About the 1st 2 months he would just come over to my apartment and we would spend time there. We would just chill and watch movies and usually whatever we did led to sex. Afterwards he would leave and go home to her no matter what time it was 12am or 4am he never,ever spent the night. On several occasions she would call and no matter what we were doin he had to go.
One night we were layin in bed (after sex) talkin. It felt so good just to be with him. I didn't care if I had to share. Well then the "ex" calls and he jumped up to leave. I was very upset. I got up to lock the door behind and him and he went to kiss me but I just slammed the door in his face. I decided I was thru with his shyt. So I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. For the next 5 days he called and left messages that I ignored. I missed him soo much tho. And with his promise of dinner and a movie I let him back in my life. Big mistake.
After that episode he did start takin me out but still only on the weekends. He would call every night about 10pm. I would sit and wait for him to call. If he missed a night and didnt call I would curl up and cry myself to sleep. He told me that in November they were movin out and then he would get to spend much more time with me. I agreed to be patient and I settled for what little time he did spend with me. During this time I never caused any drama. I was happy that he was in my life. I had his cell # but I only called when I knew he was at work becuz if he was with her he wouldnt answer. I let him call or come and see me on his time.
Fast-forward to October. I found out that he had lied about when he was movin. He had told me November but I found out that he moved in October and he didn't want to tell me becuz she was stayin with him until her place was ready (they had a 2 bedroom and he moved into a 1!!) and he said he didnt want me to be mad. He continued to call nights from his cell and he swore that he was sleepin on the couch and her in the bed. I hoped and prayed that he was tellin the truth. I played it over and over in my mind so much I convinced myself that he was. I continued to see him.
Finally in November the "ex" did move and I did start to see more of him. He came over, I went to his apartment, we went out on the weekdays. I was happy as hell. We started spending almost every night together. By January my feelins for him had grown so much. I loved him and I told him. He didnt feel the same. He said he cared for me but he wasnt ready to jump back into a relationship and wanted to be "friends". He said that I was the only one he wanted to be with sexually tho. I accepted that and continued to see him and spend the night almost every day. He treated me like his girl. When we went out we were holding hands, huggin each other, I went grocery shoppin wit him and spendin every darn night together.
Well during the months from Nov-Jun. He hurt me soo much. He cancelled plans wit me to hang wit his boys (alot), he followed these females from his work to the club, he had about 5 different women that he talked to but swore me up and down that they were just "friends" one of them included his ex, he lied to me so much. But still he claimed that I was the only one he was sexin and spendin time wit so I stayed. I loved him sooo much. It didnt matter what he did or how he treated me I was determined to stick around. I kept thinkin if I just stay a little longer he will change his mind and want to be with me. It never happened. I admit that yeah I did some desperate things (callin over & over & over, threatening to hurt myself if he didnt come see me...) but I wanted him to see how much he meant to me. I wanted to mean that much to him.
Now about 3 weeks ago he started to be distant. He didnt call while he was at work, he stopped textin in the mornin like he used to, we didnt see each other and he wasnt really tryin to make plans to see me. So i called him on it. I asked him if there was somebody else. (i kinda knew there was cuz I had listened to his voicemail messages) and he said yeah that he had met somebody and that he really liked her and that they "clicked". He told me that we couldnt have sex anymore becuz he wanted to see where it was goin wit this new chick but we could still "hang out" and go to the movies and be friends. I was crushed all this time I put into him and he dropped me for somebody else. All this time he was the only guy I was with sexually and any other kind of way. He was my world and I had lost that. It was supposed to have been me that he wanted to be with.
These last few weeks have been hell. I am hurtin soooo much. I thought if backed off and didnt call him he would realize what he had lost and come runnin back. That ain't happened. About 4 days of no contact I called him and he didnt answer. I was sure that he was gon answer, I just knew that he was gon want to see me right then but he didnt even pick up the phone. So I started my callin routine. I blew his cell up. he still didnt answer. So I checked his voicemail and some female was on there talkin bout "hey baby.....I missed u.......cant wait to see u saturday....." I got her phone # and was gon call the girl. I tried several time but she ain't answer either. I wanted to tell her how big of a jerk he is I wanted to tell her that he was with me and she needed to back off. But then I realized that I don't need to do that. I am better than that. Even tho I was furious & I was hurt beyond hurt. I mean he did tell me that he he didnt want to be with me. But in my mind we were together. Actions speak louder than words and he led me on and acted like we were together so thats what I believed.
Now I am sittin here still tryin to make it thru a day without callin him. I havent been to work in 2 weeks. I just sleep and eat and check my messages and email to see if he has contacted me. But no luck. I have been doin good with the no contact I guess. I dont call becuz I am afraid that he will be with somebody or that he wont answer and then Ill have to start all over from square one. It has been 6 days since I last spoke to him. I havent called him and he hasnt called me. Its killin me. My job is in jeopardy. I am havin to move cuz I can t pay my rent cuz I aint been to work. I have gained 11 lbs. I am sick of feelin this way. I dont have anybody to talk to and thats why i came here. Im sorry my story was sooo long but please if somebody took the time to read it please give advice. HELP!!!

I have some problems right now I am trying to get through and it is tough. Especially not having friends to talk to (i am in the same boat). Just want you to know that you are not alone. I have a book by Ilanya Vanzant "In the Meantime", it really helped me out with my last heart break. Now I have to get the dust off once more and refresh my memory.