What do I do now?? (long, sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
What do I do now?? (long, sorry)
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 5:43pm
I wanted to fill you in on my situation since I was last on the board. Some information has come to light that has led me to believe that third party interference may have caused our relationship. Daniel has a hard time telling people when he doesn't like something, I realize this is a VERY big problem he needs to deal with this. As I look back on our relationship, some of the very things that attracted him in the first place are now things he says irritate him. Here's the deal: some of the people in his and my inner social circle are bothered by some of my quirky personality traits and they are the kind of people who believe they know what's best for EVERYBODY and make no bones about saying how they feel. I know they talk about me behind my back, because I have other friends who have told me so. I believe these guys were probably sitting around at Daniel's house and started talking about how annoying I was (because that's how they feel about me and like to be extremely blunt about everyone they meet) and all these little things I did that bothered them and Daniel probably didn't say anything (which I know he SHOULD have) and just let them talk because he was uncomfortable because he cared about me and still wanted to save face in front of his friends at the same time. Little by little I think, as they continued to talk time after time and he said nothing to stop them, his mind was led onto a train of thought that he may not have ever gotten to on his own. I have to keep in mind that these guys were against the relationship from the very beginning and said so many times. I have no doubts that they thought they were "saving" Daniel from making a mistake and throwing his life away.

I realize that Daniel is VERY easily influenced by the people who are around him at any given moment and I see that this is a big problem he is going to have to deal with or he will never have a successful relationship. But I honestly think he may have been manipulated.

Case in point: On the fourth of July, we all got together to help my friend get ready to move. When she and I drove back to our other girlfriend's house where I had left my car, sitting on the roof of the car was the little stuffed caterpillar I bought Daniel last summer to remember a movie we'd watched together. That little caterpillar, that I bought from the joy and love I felt for him and the memories we shared, was sitting on the top of my car -- torn to pieces. My first thought was, "How immature can you be???" But then later, I was so angry and hurt. Did everything we shared mean so little to him? Every kiss, every gift he ever gave me, every moment we spent together -- was it all just an enormous lie??? I can NOT believe that when I think of how it was before these guys (especially one who has always hated me and is malicious at every chance) stuck their noses into what they thought was their business.

I can't help but think that someday -- perhaps not too very long from now, or perhaps far in the future -- Daniel is going to realize what he has thrown away: a beautiful, good woman who loved him like no one else. And he'll miss me and he'll wonder why he ever let me go. And I know myself and that my heart will always be open to him and filled with love for him. Is that wrong? And how can I ever get through this deadness I feel inside me? I miss him and I wish he would apologize. Why is he so scared of being with me? We had so much fun and so much POTENTIAL... I don't understand how he could be this way. I know he feels bad about the fourth, because he told several of my girlfriends that they were well within their rights to be angry with him, but why won't he come to me?? Is it only a matter of time for us both? I wish I could know all these things for sure.

I'm amazed that my heart keeps beating when I feel like it's completely gone. I'm so tired of feeling this way, but I'm so afraid of letting go and saying goodbye. I want to be his friend someday, but I see him and I standing on opposite sides of a canyon, and the bridge between us is going up in flames, and through the haze I see him on the other side holding the torch, and there's nothing I can do to fix this...