A few questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
A few questions
1
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 2:42am
1. Is it possible to get back together with an ex and make it work? If two people, who love each other, fall apart for some reason... Can they, after working on their separate issues that caused conflict, get back together and form a lasting relationship? The message I'm getting from most of the posts on this board is that once it's over, it's over for good. Cut off contact and move on, don't hope for reconciliation. But are there times when that's not the only solution? How do you know?

2. Whatever happened to that love that lasts for 50 years? What happened to getting married and staying married till death do we part? What happened to growing old together? Is it possible? Why is it so hard to find? I'm ready to settle down, find a soulmate, get married, have kids, and share my life with somebody. Not just 4 or 5 years, not six months...my whole life. Where is this love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 10:14am
1. It certainly is possible that two people can work out their issues and come back together. But most of us on these boards came here when we knew in our heads - if not our hearts - that it was over. NC isn't a punishment against the other person, it's a way to heal and move forward. It is also difficult to work on your issues if the sole purpose is to get that person back. Too much energy is focused on that person, and not yourself. Also, both parties have to be willing to work on their issues. That is not usually the case.

2. Keeping a marriage together is hard, hard work. People remain married for many years for a variety of reasons. But it is so important to have a full and deep love for each other, because there are low points in marriage -- and sometimes that is all that is keeping two people together. But I think the big thing in finding that special someone who thinks your his special someone is timing. Both of you need to be at the same place emotionally, at the same time. So many of us (me included) marry for the wrong reasons, that seemed right at the time. We get to a certain age, and find ourselves settling for someone who may not be the best match. Then, add in our blasted biological clocks that start ticking like mad as we near 30.

Today, it does seem like it is a lot easier to walk away when the going gets tough, than it was years ago.

I do believe the love is out there. It is hard to find, but not impossible. When you have healed some from the pain, step back and really analyze the dynamics of your past relationships. At first, I didn't see any similarities. I was too focused on what he did and how he hurt me. I couldn't understand how he couldn't fall madly in love with me when I was such a wonderful person ;-) But the deeper I looked into myself, the more I came to realize how certain traits I have probably helped to keep the relationship from fully blossoming.

Man -- but I can ramble. I probably haven't said what you want to hear, but I can only go on my own experiences. Hope it helped some, at least

Lois