so the ex and i hung out....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
so the ex and i hung out....
15
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 9:58am
"is it alright if i come to jess's party?"--that was hte phone call i received friday night. jess was turning 23. a mutual friend of ours sent out an evite for a birthday party and we both responded with an affirmative.

but then the ex had to call me and ask me, if i would mind, would it be awkward? i said no, i didnt care, he could do whatever he wanted.

so he came.

and you know what everybody? i feel f*cking GREAT. because i realized i REALLY dont want to be with him! i desperately needed last night to happen...because...all of my memories of him were so golden. i couldnt look back on the bad times and say "what an ass". but just seeing him last night...wow....i mean i dont even KNOW what happened to teh sweet, funny boy i fell in love with around this time last year. so much has changed. he's become so completely self-absorbed, and he didnt even look that cute last night either lol.

why did he come to the party? he's not a close friend of jess. he knew the only people he might know at that party would be ME and MY friends. in fact, jess is 1 of MY friends more than she is his, we're in the same group of girlfriends. so why did he come? to test the waters? to make sure that we didnt all hate him? to appease his own guilt? probably. because he sure as hell didnt seem interested in talking to anybody besides me at that party. so he came to see me, and to see my group of friends, to see if we hated him, to see if he could still be accepted among us. it was selfishly motivated.

he was nervous talking to me...i could tell...he was unsure how to act. he didnt want to be flirty or affectionate. he dint want to be too sincere for fear we might end up having a conversation about "us". he didnt knwo where the balance was. so we just caught up on the past 4 months.

i was totally cool. i was nice to him, i made jokes, and most importantly, i held my tongue whenever i wanted to say something mean. i was mature.and all said and done it was really great to see him. i had missed him. he's a good guy. and you know what else? we can be friends. because my feelings for him are not really existant anymore...

there were points where i felt like i wanted to kiss him, because i am attracted to him, my body recognizes him as familiar and i do honestly like him even though the nature of those feelings have changed. there were ponits when i felt like i really wanted to say something about us, tell him i hoped he wasnt walking home thinking everything was copacetic, tell him that although we had a nice evening, i certainly didnt forgive him for the way he's made me feel about myself, and for how HARD the past few months have been.

but i realized it would have done more harm thangood to say anything. and we didnt have to get into that conversation anyway, because he had enough to say.

i am not in love with him. i dont want to be with him. i can obviously do better because he's so confused about himself and his life and i dont need that. and i definitely think i was more comfortable and cool with last night than he was.

so im finally ready to close that chapter in my life and move on. all of my lingering questions and fears are sortof...starting to pack themselves up and go away. i dont want to be with this person. and knowing that is a good thing.

he told me at the end of the night, that if i ever wanted to hang out, i could call him, and he gave me the tightest hug...and didnt let go for a while...and then turned around and walked home.

ironically, it was the exact same scene as the one that occurred on july 9th 2003. we had gone out, we had a great time, he walked me home, we sat on my stoop and talked, and he hugged me and left. nothing's changed but everything eh?

thanks for reading. and thanks for being there for me this whole time everybody. i feel like a ghost whose finished business has been taken care of and i can finally be at peace.

and its 10 am on a saturday? why the HELL am i awake? going back to bed...g'nite kids :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 11:55am
I am really happy for you. I have only read this bit but it's really nice to read and it even makes me feel good! I understand it completely you know, I have a question for you though...thats why I am on this board at the moment. This guy and I have been seeing eachother about 4 months and blabla...long story..anyway. I thought I was in love with him also but this week I havent been seeing him and all over sudden I thought to myself: he is such a selfish ****, I dont even like him. But I need some sex and thats why I emailed him just now to invite him for sex, sex only, and he has said yes and he said he only wants sex and nothing more, nothing will change... I think I can deal with that...what do you think? Is this a mistake? I always feel so good after the sex...


Samie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 1:22pm
there's nothing wrong with wanting something purely physical. if both parties know thats whats up,a ndthyey're comfortable with the arrangement, then go for it.

i know a lot of people who can emotionally distance themselves from somebody and have that kind of physical relationship with no strings attached. i also know myslef may not be capable of it.

if you think that you're in love with this guy, i just dont want you to get hurt if you DO have sex and then he goes back to his selfish ways and you feel like cheap or used. i also hope you're not trying to substitute physical love for emotional love.

i think you know what you want here, and if he's okay with it and you're okay with it, then im certainly okay with it lol :)

good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 8:01pm
what im wondering now is...where do i go from here? i am glad i saw my ex and realized that my feelings for him are no longer valid, because he's not the same guy i used to know and love.

however, it felt so good to see him, he's somethign familiar, he is somebody i'll ALWAYS care about, and he told me if i ever wanted to hang...well...i dunno...

i didnt put him back on my buddy list but i considered it. i considered im'ing him just to say "hey", and seeing where the conversation leads. because i want to talk to him, because after seeing him, i kinda do want to be his friend...

also, going back to the sex comment...i kinda want that to. actually no, i really want that. and im telling you all this because i know you will stil love me even if im a freak lol, but seeing my ex looking so vulnerable and lost, i kinda feel like, well...he'd give it to me if i wanted it, cos he'd take whatever comfort he coudl get...i mean IM the stronger of the two fo us now, im the one who actually has a job adn a life and goals and he's sitting around wallowing in his quarter life crisis....he'd probably come running if i called...and i could really jerk hima round...if i wanted to...

ahem. not that i want to...right? i mean i dont WANT to hurt him, but...i feel like i can successfully emotionally distance myself from him and what we used to have...and i sortof want to start from scratch with this new person. befriend him and all that jazz.

or should i just ignore him from here on out? should i go back to no contact? will it mess me up if i dont? am i only gravitating towards him because he's familiar? am i just going to forget aobut him when i start dating somebody else anyway? do i WANT to be his firend?

help me kids :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Sat, 07-10-2004 - 11:30pm
Ugh no fair I need that. I need to see him and realize this is not the person that I loved to get over that final hump. I doubt thats going to happen any time soon. He is afraid of me. Just want to get over this last hurdle. I miss him.........

As for the contact with your ex. I don't know from personal experience. I would definitely say no to the using him for sex. You may not have feelings for him anymore but theres gotta be some still deep down and I would think that kind of contact would stir them up. I don't know about a friendship. You don't want to go back to what you use to do. I was told by one of my friends who becomes friends with her exes that other people in your life kinda take up that time. So you talk to them here and there. Maybe go and do something with them here and there but you don't usually become best friends and hang out all the time. Maybe put him on the IM but don't talk to him everytime you are on because then you will probably end up in the same cycle. I don't know if this is making any sense.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 12:46am
summer you are making perfect sense--i dont want to get caught in a rut with my ex.

and as much he's not the guy he used to be, if i allow myself to go looking for the guy he used to be then i'll get trapped. i'll talk to him and i'll keep thinking "is there a sliver of the old guy left?" and if there isnt, i'll be annoyed and frustrated, and if there is, i'll want him again.

and this is a precarious time. because i can take this knowledge, move forward with my own life...or i can allow him to hold me back. because he's familiar, and i miss him, and i can talk to him, and indulge this.

and it seems like i've already made the choice to move foward. i hope that i can stick to it.

thanks summer :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 1:36am
Well I'm glad I helped you out I didn't think what I was saying was making sense. I think at the same time you helped me with what you just posted.

"and this is a precarious time. because i can take this knowledge, move forward with my own life...or i can allow him to hold me back. because he's familiar, and i miss him, and i can talk to him, and indulge this."

I think thats true and if I were to see my ex and try to be friendly it will just hold me back. That's kinda hard to realize. I mean they are these great people that you shared so much with but you can't just have the best friends part of the relationship. It has to be a totally different thing and usually not as much. Then there are the people that are never really friendly with their exes. My friend and I were talking about that she just doesn't become friends with them. I don't want to do that. I mean you care about these people why can't they have some place in your life? I hope my ex isn't like that I'm starting to get the feeling that he may be but we will just wait and see when he breaks up with the new girl because of course hes not going to talk to me now when he thinks he sooooo happy with her but then his self worth comes crashing down because she stops being the needy person he wneeds her to be ok sorry i went on a rampage. Thanks!



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 2:37pm
Hi,

I know exactly what you are talking about. Me and my ex were together for 5 months and broke up 4 weeks ago. We have the same group of friends, but through a lot of effort by some of our friends, have not really seen each other in the past month. But yesterday I got an IM from him saying that no one ever calls him anymore and that he has no one. I could tell that he was a bit depressed and I felt really bad for him, but part of me was glad that it was him who felt that way and not me. I feel a bit guilty for feeling this way. But if he was perfectly fine, I would be so upset that he could get over me so easily and that his life didn't suck just a little since we broke up. We had a "good" break up; there were no hard feelings and I still think he is a great guy. He just said that he wasn't finding the connection with me that he was looking for. I felt that way too, but I still wanted to try and work things out.

I think I am doing ok even though i dream about him sometimes. I always thought the dumper had an easier time than the dumpee, but I think that maybe I am doing better than he is right now. Part of me wants to be there for him, but I know that I can't because all the feelings would come rushing back and my rationale would go out the door.

We hung out last night with 2 of our friends and things were ok. There is always that awkwardness because neither of us wants to be too friendly and risk wanting to get back together. However, I had a beer and my self control started to unravel a bit. i just wanted to hug him and tell him I'd always be there for him. But I didn't. I could see us getting back together again and having things the way they were: okay, but not great. We would just end up back where we are again.

I think we have to be friends...part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. I don't want to push either of us out of our group of friends. For now I am just pretending that I am perfectly fine and that everything is ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:12pm
Ace-

Please listen. The fact that you are still posting about him means you ARE NOT over him!

You saw him at the party. Was he with another girl? did he talk to another girl? I'm telling you from experience. You think you are past that point, but if you start hanging out with him and another girl calls him or he talks to another girl at a party, then you are in a world of hurt. See no evil, hear no evil. If you can witness him with another girl and you have no feelings whatsoever and you don't feel compelled to post here, then you are over him. Believe me when I tell you this. I've been there, more than once where I thought i was past the initial hurt and thought i could hang out again. but then i became some jealous freak every time his cell phone rang around me. I would feel paranoid and hurt that it could be another girl and when i told him i couldn't hang out with him i had to go through the whole separation anxiety thing again. Please, please don't hang out with him or start contacting him again. If he asks if he can go to the same party with you, just say no offense, but right now you still need space from him and than you would prefer that he didn't go. Enough said! he doesn't need more detail than that. Please, please don't fall into this trap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:16pm
I kind of agree with the last post.


Although i'm over the break up with my ex, i'm not fully over HIM. I can handle talking to him on msn, and probably even over the phone, but i KNOW i couldn't handle seeing him in person just yet. The minute I do, all those feelings will come rushing back... and I don't even want to think of how i'll feel if i see him out with another girl, or socializing with a group of people that don't include myself.

I've talked to my ex once, about a week ago. I contacted him on msn just asking what he's been up to, making small chat, blah blah. He either sounded surprised to hear from me, or didn't give a damn. Firt he was all nice, and making an effort to know what i've been up to, how i've been, etc. Then, once I told him i'm over it and ready to try and be friends, its like he took a turn for the worst. Suddenly he became kinda snappy, and said "you havent wanted anything to do with me for a month and now you're all chatty? whats thats about?"

I was completely boggled. This, coming from a guy who broke it off with me, and who tried so hard to stay my friend. Practically begging me to stay his friend, and said he'd do anything and give me as much time as i needed, if it meant we could stay in each others lives. We tried shortly after the break up to be friends, went to a movie together, but i decided it was too hard for me, and told him. He said take as much time as i need, and to let him know when i feel i'm ready to try this. So i did. and then this? I dont know if he's mad im over it so "quickly" (quicker than he or i thought anyway), or if maybe he's not over it? or perhaps he just doesn't care (although i hardly think thats it, i'm the only one he's had for the past 2 years, i doubt he'd "fine" with me walking out of his life, like he's done to me). So it's really weird.

Since then, I haven't talked to him, i've also blocked and deleted him again. Perhaps i'll try again in another month, unless he contacts me first. I really can't decide what it is that I want to do. I think I want to be friends with him just because he wants it so badly, but its not about him, and i know that. I know i couldn't handle his "issues" when we were dating, so what makes me think i can handle them being his friend? and like the other poster said, i know i'll get jealous when his cell rings and he's out with me, i still wonder what he's doing, who he's with, etc. Even though the thought of him with another girl, i've accepted. It still bothers me.

*sigh* but good for you ace.... things are definetely looking up since the last time i was on here and since the last time you posted. Keep t up. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:59pm
Yup, although I still think no contact of any kind is best. As soon as you are ready to set up your ex with the girl you work with or neighboor friend, you are not ready to hang out with him. I can't believe I wasted an entire summer in this silly pattern a couple of years ago for a guy I really only dated 2 weeks!!! It all ended when I met my current bf and then all of a sudden me and the ex could totally be friends, although to be honest you will be surprised at home much you could even care a less to be friends with them. You know in your gut when that really happens.

Deep down inside the reason you want to try to be friends is that there is just that teeny, teeny, teeny desire for things to return to the way they were. You miss your activity buddy, your movie-going buddy, and they person you cuddle up with on weekends. You may not miss him so much now, but since he is the last person to fill the aformentioned shoes, he is really who you want right now. If you think you're going to be the one girl in history to get past that jealousy issue when your ex is out to dinner with you and then a girl calls on his cell and he tell you, his "buddy" that he has to go after dinner and can't go bowling with you that you are totally ok with that. In fact, more than likely your relationship will be weird because he may want to "hide" certain things from you so it doesn't upset you, and really, is that the kind of thing you want from a friend?

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