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| Sat, 07-10-2004 - 9:05pm |
Now, while I agree with him, I just can't imagine my life without him, on a daily basis. We both agree that we want to be friends and I don't move out for another month. We are still sleeping in the same bed and cuddle and cry at night because of what we know is going to happen. Now...he is not going to change his mind about us breaking up, because he thinks it's best for both of us. I would love to give it another chance. I love him more then anyone and I know we're good for eachother. He says he would like to remain best friends and always be close.
My question is can that happen? I want to hug him and make his dinner and wake up next to him. Can I really be his best friend if I want all that too? If we both want that? Is there anything I could say or do to make him change his mind? How do I deal with this. It just seems so sad and he thinks is "has to happen." I just don't see it that way. Help.

I am in almost the exact same boat you are. My now ex-boyfriend and I got together a few months before my 19th birthday. We were together for three years, and we too moved in together pretty early (after about 6 months). I became such a homebody, I loved just being at home and spending time with him. He would go out with friends and coworkers and I would wait for him to come home. He was always faithful and I never had to worry about anything like that, but I still hated spending time apart from him. I would always 'get his permission' before going out and doing things with my friends, although he would always tell me that I didn't need his permission. My world revolved around him, which I know eventually made him feel suffocated. Being responsible for someone else's happiness as well as your own is too much of a responsibility for anyone to handle, yet I still based almost all of my happiness on him.
You ask if you two can be best friends right now. The answer is no, at least not until you do not have strong romantic feelings for each other. The relationship will be unbalanced (you wanting more from it that him at this time), and you will overanalyze everything he does. But it is a possibility for the future. I know in my case I think that it would be such a waste to just let someone who meant the world to me and who I shared so much with to just disappear from my life.
It has been a month today since my breakup. He moved out the day after he broke up with me, because it would be too hard. I'm sure you know how hards it is, living with someone but knowing that you won't be together when the lease is up. We only had a month and a half left on our lease so I actually am staying somewhere else because it is too hard to be at our old apartment. I really miss waking up at making breakfast together, and being there to give him a hug and ask how his day was when he gets home from work. The first couple weeks without him were absolute hell. It is such a life change to spend so much time with (or base your whole life around) one person and then suddenly not have them there anymore.
To be honest, whenever you can cut contact with him right now would be the best. After our breakup, I did not call or contact my ex at all. It took a lot of strength - I posted on this board, cried to family and friends, and slept.. a lot. Not trying to contact him was totally unlike me - since I would talk to him everyday and he was my whole world, normally I would be the kind of girl to continue calling him and trying to hear his voice. About a week and a half later he did contact me and you know what he said - "I admire how strong you've been since our breakup. It's something I did not see in you before". We have talked a few times since then and have left the possibility open that we could sometime get back together. The only way for a relationship to truly work is if both of the people can be happy by themselves first. Then you don't place so much strain on your partner - you can enjoy eachother without being overly needed or needy. You can't 'change his mind'.. this is something I have had to really come to terms with in the past month. But you can change things about yourself - you can become more independent and less needy. And if you do ever get back with your ex, things will be different, it will be a healthier, stronger relationship.
It sounds like your boyfriend is a good guy, but the dynamic in the relationship isn't at a level he can handle right now. Also remember that he may have issues within himself that he needs time to resolve, and there is nothing you can do about that. Give him time, give him space. Concentrate on doing things to make yourself happy. If it's meant to be, it will be. Good luck and keep us posted!
There are still a few things I just can't get my head around. I dread the day I move out. I'm going to try to be strong, but knowing I won't live in our house, his house, anymore is really getting to me. I know everyone says time helps, but right now I just can't get past this. The plan is, I move out August 2nd. On August 1st we are both going to go through our things and I'm going to pack. After five years all of our stuff is mixed together. On the move out day, he's going to help me move my stuff to my parents' house, then he and I are going to to dinner before saying our goodbyes. Do you think this is a good idea? I know I'm just postponing the "ending" but I want to get all these moments in while I can. We both want to stay as close as we are now, if not get closer as friends. Will the no contact rule allow that? I'm also very close with his mother; she's one of my best friends. I see her constantly and I don't want to hurt my friendship with her. I know I'll be tempted to quiz her about what's going on in his life and how he's handling things. It's just hard to see past all this right now. What I'm going to miss about him, or miss doing with him. It would help if he were a jerk about things, then I could just get mad at him. I'll be fine. It just sucks right now. I can't ever see another guy being the entire package like he is.
Thanks for reading this and helping me out.
I'm sure it's hard knowing that move-out day is getting closer. In my mind it was almost like a mini-divorce (deciding who gets what, etc.) It's nice that he's going to help you move, it shows he still cares despite that fact that you won't be together. About the dinner idea, I think it really depends on your situation. I am like you, I would want to get all of those 'moments' in too. Maybe it will give you a sense of closure - to have the formal goodbyes. But just don't expect more out of it than that.
One of the hardest things about my breakup is the fact that he was both my boyfriend and my best friend. I feel like if I have to lose the boyfriend part of it, I should at least be able to keep him as a best friend. I'm battling with the no contact rule right now. My ex (I hate saying that!) and I have discussed dating again in the future, but for now I need to learn to be happy on my own and not so dependent on him for my happiness. We have been talking about every week and half (we still have bills to pay, etc) and are planning on going to dinner or something sometime soon. But I know I may be delaying the inevitable. If things do not work out in the long run between us, or if he meets someone else, I know I would be completely crushed and back to stage one because as of now I'm still hanging on to the hope that we will be together again. So I'm struggling with whether to completely cut contact and just let life do its thing. I do stongly believe in no contact right after the breakup. Let him contact you first. It's gonna be tough adjusting to life without him (and living with the parents again, I'm doing that too!). You don't want him to see or hear you all weepy and needy. If you don't contact him, you'll prove to both him and yourself that you can be strong and can survive on your own.
I absolutely believe that you can have a friendship with him someday, but at first it will be way too hard. You may still have feelings and everytime you see or talk to him it will be a reminder of what you don't have. I know for me it would be way too tough to hear about him possibly meeting someone new, or hear him doing okay while I'm still suffering because of the breakup. So until there are no romantic feelings left, I think it will be difficult to be best friends. However, it sounds like you two have a strong friendship foundation, so I don't think the no contact rule should last forever - just as long as it takes for you to be strong enough to be around him without it hurting.
I know exactly what you mean about losing the friendship with his mother. My ex's mom and I got pretty close over the years. We would go out to eat together, she'd email me, we'd hang out at his parents house a lot and spend holidays with them. I actually emailed her right after the breakup thanking her for everything she'd done for me over the years. We exchanged a few emails after that and we want to keep in contact (she told me that her son never asked her if he could break up with me!). But my ex found out about us still keeping in contact and it made him uncomfortable so I haven't talked to her since then. I know I'll keep in touch with her, but it won't be the same. It sucks because I'm losing his family too!
It too think it would be easier if my ex was just a jerk about things. But he wasn't, he's a great guy. We just hadn't been as compatible lately and things weren't working out, so he decided we would both be happier in the long run to not be together right now. Every person is put in your life for a reason, whether it is for 5 or 55 years. I'm sure you learned so many things about yourself and life and love from him. Cherish the memories, but try to remember that there is so much waiting for you in the future. We're both in our twenties, time is on our side! I know it's going to be hard, I myself sometimes have trouble following my own advice. You sound like a strong girl - you can get through this! Keep us posted..