he showing signs (help me get over him)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
he showing signs (help me get over him)
3
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 12:43am
he told me today that he and her both decided to call things off and has been spending alot of time with me. i dont know what to do. i am afraid if i go back to him i will get hurt again. i love him and he knows i do. is he just telling me this so he can have sex.

confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 10:23am
It's so not fair when they flip-flop like that. Please be cautious and don't go running back to him. It is possible that since he and his gf or whatever broke up, he thought that he could always count on you to be there. Without alot of information, I would say, stay away from him. He probably is getting lonely and only wants to use you for sex. You will get hurt again! Initate NC until you no longer have very strong feelings for him, get yourself to a point where he no longer dominates your life and that you have moved on. Right now you are too vulnerable to be around him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 7:17pm
too late he came on to me last night and we had sex he showed no emotion even though he said he wanted to because he loves me i felt used and cheap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 9:20pm
Oh, sweetie. I'm sure I'm not the first to say this, but here goes - life doesn't just "happen" to you, you're in charge of most things in your life. He can't take advantage of you unless you let him. Look, sometimes it feels good to "surrender" to feelings and yearnings and impulses. And, usually, the result is the "after" that you described, feeling confused and cheap and used. Because your head really is the captain of your ship. For a few hours, you can pretend the real "you" resides in your heart and body, but in the end your mind always reasserts control, and you wonder what the heck it all means. You can actually imagine and predict how you'll feel "after," so that you don't give in to feelings and yearnings that just get you to this bad place. Start now by setting boundaries for yourself - something like, you won't sleep with him until you have been back together for three weeks as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then stick to it. If you're getting back together, be back together *first,* before you sleep with him. Then you'll know if it's a booty call or if he's serious.

Only you can help yourself get over him, and it starts by acting to protect yourself from this kind of disappointment. You knew it would not be a good idea to sleep with him. Now's the time to act like a grownup, to set boundaries for your own good and to police those boundaries, to force your mind to overrule your impulses and keep yourself protected. You don't need anyone on this board to tell you what to do, here, you know that sex with someone you love who does not seem to find the sex emotionally meaningful is devastatingly painful. You knew that before you did it. So, wiser and sadder, you know never to do it again. It's hard when someone you love is messing with your head. I'm not sure it helps that he is probably confused and selfish, rather than outright malicious about this, but he is bad news for you, and you should avoid him.

Think of it this way - think of how special, loved, and cherished you would feel if he "courted" you, if he tried to win you back, if he called and sent flowers and had long, emotional talks with you about how he feels and the mistakes he's realized he's made. Think of how you would feel if he backed up the talk with action, if he was reliable and supportive and patient and willing to do whatever it took to get you back. That's a feeling worth having, and you deserve it. If he can't make you feel that way, then don't waste your time with him. You deserve to be cherished, respected, and loved - you do not deserve to be used for sex because he's bored or lonely or conflicted about his feelings. Insist on the best for yourself. No one else will insist on it for you. You're the only one looking out for you, here, so do it, set boundaries and insist on being treated well. Then leave him in the dust unless/until he can treat you that way. He can figure out how to win you back, if his heart's in it. Otherwise, he's just messing with you.