need advice please so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
need advice please so confused
1
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 11:53am
So I am the one who's boyfriend emailed me the letter about why he was breaking up...it was nice he did that but it hurt all the same. HE also came out last thursday to pretty much "say it to my face". Now I have tried to talk to him about making it work, because I think the main reason he ended it is because he just graduated college and I was pressuring him to move to chicago, he even tood a job here. He was faced with having to get a car an apartment leave his family, friends and his thought was , if he moves to chicago, then he would have to be there forever and he would have to marry me. He never told me he didn't really want to be in chicago and he was pressureda bout all this, but when he ended it that's what he said. I think he just wasn't ready for all this so his solution was to end it. He also would say if we tried to make it work it would go back to the same way it was...(arguing a lot) But we argued a lot because we were living together in omaha (i moved there from oct-may) and we got in a routine and were like an old married couple. I also wasn't happy there and with my job and my life at the time so i was angry and snapped at him and we fought a lot. Now that I am back, in chicago things would be different. I am so happy with what i'm doing in my life and we aren't living together, we are 500 miles away. It just would be different.

My problem is...Friday night he called me saying he needed to talk to me and he's really sad and confused. So I called him last night and he said instead of it getting easier forh im it's getting worse, hurting more. He also said that he would like it if we talked like normal to see how things go and see if maybe he wants things to work. Now i would love to do that, because i want thigns to work, but if he still decides to not be in this i'll be more hurt because i'll be talking to him and getting my hopes up. I told him i have to think about it, and he just told me to call him later today. I don't know what to do. He said he spends his days thinking about me and what i'm doing.

I want to make it work, but what if talking on the phone doesn't work?

Should i talkt oh im like normal or say no i can't talk at all?

amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 2:46pm
this is a toughie.

if you're happy in chicago and you're no longer snappy, thats good. but if thats one of the reasons why you guys fought alot, because u were snappy, then it doesnt look like you had your head and heart in the relationship. when ppl belong together and really care about each other, they try to make things work and they ACTIVELY try to make things better, esp when they know what the problems are.

also, you should be pushing him to move to chicago if his heart and mind isnt there, because the same thing will happen all over again, except that he'll be the snappy one. it may not happen like this, i could be wrong, but its possible. he has to want to move to chicago.

he also seems to have committment problems or at least he isnt ready to commit so deeply if he's afraid of what may come if he moves to chicago. thats something you may want to think about before taking this big step AGAIN.

just because he's so sad and confused right now, it doesnt mean he's ready and everythings settled and problems are gone, its the break up thats making him feel sad as well as feeling lonely. but this maybe a good time to take a deep look at things. talking to him isnt a bad idea. BUT you should first get in order what you want. for instance if you want to work things out then decide what you need to do, and what he needs to do.

its hard to do it over the phone, but its better than investing the effort to go out there and try to work things out. over the phone, you both have to work harder at the problem. vs if you go there the reunion will be great but it will take away from the seriousness of the problem and you guys might not take the effort to solve it.

if you really want to work it out and really feel like ur ready to change urself and problems, than you shouldnt be afraid to talk on a normal basis. just dont get emotional or attached. and KNOW what you want all the time and keep it in focus.

good luck