Taking a Break

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Taking a Break
3
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 3:33pm
I just posted this on another board but this board seems more active... Thanks!!

The dreaded "I need space" line. What the heck does this mean? I've done this before and it's awful!!! My bf of one year moved out recently because he needs space. I'm clinging onto that phrase, If you love someone set them free... He's been through quite an ordeal, a recent nasty divorce and it all got to be too much for him that he didn't have time for a relationship. Though he feels like I pushed him away. He's living on his own and I actually have his foster daughter full time (long story) He also has 2 other teenage daughters mostly living with their mom. I know he needs this space but I hate the unknown. We are very nice towards each other and he lets me talk (or should I say babble) about this situation. I just want to look at this as a break but not a break up but I'm not sure what's on his agenda. Argh! I just called him because he was suppose to drive his foster daughter to a soccer game for me but bailed so I have to leave work early to take her. Maybe we shouldn't be together... I just am not looking forward to being single again!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 8:00am
I just got a reply from another board but I just wanted to bump this up and give a little more back ground... I'm in my mid-thirties and feel like it takes a long time to meet that person with a special connection but when I do, I fall hard only for it to not work out. This is my 3rd long term relationship in the last 10 years. I've broken up before only to get back together with the same problems so I know from experience that it's not a good idea to get back together if their were some serious problems- in that case it was committment issues.

My present ex, didn't take enough time to heal from his divorce and we sort of jumped into this. It was immediate attraction on both ends but I was extremely cautious due to his situation. When it became a relationship, and it became "work", he didn't have it in him. He said several times that he just wants good times with me but that doesn't happen. I believe a relationship is a test to get through the bad times and enjoy the good times.

We should have ended it months ago but we didn't. I finally had enough of him not being in the relationship. He is a terrific guy, caring, loves his family, works hard, good heart. He just didn't have it in him to include me in the relationship. Whenever I told him I had needs that weren't being met- he got angry and defensive and said I'm selfish. My esteem isn't the best to begin with so that really hurt. I feel like I worked so hard to try to meet his needs but mine were being neglected. We talked about taking a break but he just didn't have it in him to take the intiative. So when I had enough, I went to his best friend and spilled my guts. He agreed with me and said my bf shouldn't be in a relationship now. He told him to move out that night!!! I knew he had to, and I was to take care of his foster daughter (who I have a very close relationship with). When we did talk, he said he just wants to date- meaning he'll call me when it's convenient for him. Well, this is what we have been doing for the last year so I told him it wasn't a good idea and he said that I want all or nothing. I told him that it just wasn't good for my heart to "date". So he respected that and he hasn't included me in any trips with his girls and the foster girl- which hurts tremendously, because I really enjoyed that part of the relationship, but I know he needs time alone and time alone with them.

When we do speak of our future, he says he doesn't know but I just have a gut feeling that this isn't suppose to be. Though he has said very nice things to me, he just can't get over how I reacted when my needs weren't being met. It hurts so much because I just have that "why me" feeling. Why can't I just find a relationship that works. I look at all my friends and aquaintances and they all seem to be able to be in committed relationships with families. I need to get strong and understand why I'm not in a relationship. I know that it's what I want. I've been single, I've been in relationships and I'd much rather be in a HEALTHY relationship. Though the healthy part I can't seem to find.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:05pm
i totally understand what you r going threw. i am going threw the exact same thing and it happened on this past wednesday, i am so upset and confused it was i don't know what to think i don't understand how one day it is perfect and the next they are gone, everything was great until his friends started giving crap cause he never wanted to hang out with them anymore cause he was with me (buy his choice) and they started alot of neg. energy in our relationship then his family and work .... blah, blah blah the list goes on so now he wants to take a break and i have no idea where are we stand, and it sucks
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 9:04pm
I agree that a healthy relationship very important. I just broke up with my boyfriend of ten years for about the third time yesterday. And so I start the healing process from square one - again. No sleep last night. It was the same thing you had - he wouldn't include me in his life and it was all about what was convenient and good for him. Why do they have to be so selfish? I felt like I had to be "pencilled" into his schedule. Now I am kicking myself for caving in to him when he came sniffing around again a month or so ago. But you are better off to be by yourself than to be a low priority in your boyfriend's life. It is very damaging to your self-esteem, take it from me. I, like you, look forward to a healthy, caring relationship. But before that happens, you have to take care of your number one priority - you. Because no one else to going to.