I want to stop loving him

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
I want to stop loving him
2
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 4:43pm
Ok, I know that most of you haven't found any of my posts very interesting but this is just a sounding board for me anyway. If anyone read my other post, the meeting that was supposed to take place yesterday had to be postponed because he had an emergency appendectomy on Tuesday morning. I ran to be by his side as soon as I found out. And I would be taking care of him right now if I could. He kept trying to say things that need to be included in our talk. I told him that it wasn't the time or the place. Right now, I'm crying and praying to God to please just make me stop loving him. I so needed this resolution to happen so I could either move on or we could work on moving on together. Now, I'm still in limbo and it looks to be at least 4-6 weeks before he is going to be able to do anything. I just want to stop loving him so that I don't care anymore. He has resolved most of the issues that he was working on. And I just want to know if there is any chance for us or if I just need to let him go. My head is telling me to walk away and let him go but my heart just wants to hang on. I never knew it was possible to love someone this much. I know that we were probably going to work towards a resolution yesterday just by the way our talks were going, but now his ex wife has entered the picture. She happened to be the one closest when he needed to get to the hospital so she is the one now taking care of him. I'm not jealous. I have no reason or right to be. Maybe I just have a fear that during his recovery they are going to reconcile when it was supposed to be us reconciling. I know that if it's meant to be it will be but it took me so long to be ready to have this talk. And I know life isn't fair but it just seems like the same fate that brought us together is now trying to tear us apart. Maybe it's just supposed to work out that if we can make it through this we can make it through anything but is sure doesn't feel that way right now. I really feel like I've gone back to the past 3 months because once again I'm feeling the physical pain. I was willing to accept whatever happened yesterday but it really felt like things were positive and we were going to reconcile. I know this isn't his fault but because we have been broken up I have no place. I'm going to stop ranting now. Thanks for letting me take up the space.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 6:55pm
You sound so terrible sad and confused. I wish there was more I could do for you besides responding to your post. I would say that you are not ready to deal with your ex or the current status of your relationship. The hiatus of the big talk might be a good thing because it will give you more time to heal and to get your thoughts in order. You are not in limbo. Just keep moving forward as you have been and start to restructure your life without him in it. Do not contact him at all! If you feel bad because of his surgery and illness, send him a get well card and then leave him alone for awhile. I usually tell people to follow their hearts and if I followed mine I would have called him by now BUT in this case, follow your head. When it comes to relationships and heartbreak, following your heart can be deceiving. And please don't worry about his ex-wife. She is an ex-wife for a reason and as you said is only taking care of him right now because of her close proximity. If you two are meant to be together, you will. It really is as simple as that. But in the mean time, you need to move on and allow yourself to heal. Maybe after his recovery period is over, give him a call and see if you still feel the same way. I know this is going to sound reduntant but time really does heal all wounds. It's amazing how much better you might feel in a couple of weeks, how much clearer you will be about what you need and want to do. And remember, you are not alone. We are all here for you, wishing and hoping for the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2003
Sun, 07-11-2004 - 11:56pm
Thanks so much. I really think what got to me this afternoon is that by today I had planned on having a resolution. I am ready to accept whatever happens, be it an end, a new beginning or something in between. But seriously the way our short conversations on the phone had been going it really seemed as if we were going to work it out. Ironically, this is the first time something bad has happened in our relationship and it isn't his fault. I've already screwed up not contacting him. I sent him flowers, a card and an email this afternoon. Kind of funny considering that for three months I didn't talk to him at all. Oh well, Love will find a way if it's supposed to I suppose.

Thanks again.

~Nancy