Guys Hurt Too

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Guys Hurt Too
10
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:22am
Dealing with the grief of the end of a 14 month very serious relationship with a woman who I fell in love with. Along the way, I saw many red flags to let me know it wasn't the right relationship forever, but somehow, I justified them and let myself go. Now, after the breakup, which I thought I wanted and thought was mutual, I am having a real hard time letting go. She found someone else 24 hours after the breakup...and that's sort of a pattern she has had her entire life...it was one of the red flags that I ignored.

Despite the red flags, and my ignoring them, I still love her and the pain is unbearable. It's a struggle to do anything, for memories of her are at every turn in my house, my town and my work. I have tried to go through the house and remove all the "physical evidence" so that I won't be reminded of the memories...but they still linger...

I find myself wondering where she is, what she is doing, and instead of remembering how frustrating the relationship was about half the time, I find myself remembering and longing for the good times....it's like going through detox, I guess. I've made the mistake and called her a couple of times...but I have finally realized that her pattern is once she is done, she is done and there is no reason to give up any more of my pride than I already have.

I know I'll recover...I just wish I knew when. Everyone says it will get easier every day...but so far, I sure can't tell it and it's been three weeks. How do you go on? How long does the pain last? What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:36am
Hi aloneagain2004 I'm so sorry for your loss. I was in a 16 month relationship that was really serious so I know how you feel. I to ignored red flags or didn't even try to recognized them I just kept ignoring signs. It was definitely hard to take when the break up happened. It took me a good two months for me to realize we were no more. I unfortunately didn't know about the no contact. Once I learned about it I instilled it (he wasnt contacting me anyways) and it helped so much. I know those first weeks feel like you aren't getting any better but one day it just clicks and you realize that the relationship just wasn't going to work. Time is your best and worst enemy now. It's the one thing that helps the most yet it takes so long for it to pass. You will recover and just take it slow don't do what she did. Take sometime to yourself and learn about yourself, learn from the relationship and just try to build back your happiness from within yourself. Some suggestions are going to a gym, volunteering, make new friends, do stuff with old friends, if you want find some books in the self help section, strive hard at work etc. You will get through this there is no certain time the pain will go away its different for everyone but it will go away. I wish you the best and keep posting it helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:34pm
I'm so sorry that you have to go through the pain of being heartbroken. Funny, how it's an actual physical pain. All I can say is that the no contact rule is a lifesaver. You will not be able to heal and move on if you keep speaking to the one who hurt you. It's a hard thing to realize but, no matter what you do, right now, you can not change their minds. They made their decision and have their reasons, regardless of how silly they might seem. As redundant as it might sound, time is the only thing that will heal you. And it's a different amount of time for everyone. It's been 2 months and 2 weeks and I still miss him, wonder what he's doing, wonder if he ever thinks of me. We have not spoken or seen each other since he broke up with me. We didn't discuss this, it was just how it happened. I have good days and bad but the good are slowly outnumbering the bad. I can go hours without thinking of him. I have resigned myself to the fact that he is gone and out of my life. I still love him, miss him and would take him back but I have to move on and live my life. Be strong, go out and don't sit home. Find even menial tasks to keep you busy. When you feel like contacting her, post here instead. We all know what you are going through and understand how it feels. Don't worry about the future, just worry about getting through the next minute, hour, day, etc. Take things slow, one day at a time. And remember, every day is one day closer to being healed!

You are going to be ok! Just know that you are not alone - we are all here for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:35pm
Thanks, and to anyone else with encouragement, please post. I need all the help I can get. My head tells me that the break up is right, my heart tells me it's wrong. And my gut, well, it's been in an absolute KNOT...I can't eat much...without just forcing myself to choke it down. There were so many things wrong with the relationship...but dang, I miss her more than I ever imagined I could. I want to call so bad...but I do like the advice is and FIGHT the urge with ALL that I have. Our lives were built around talking on the cell phone when we weren't together...and being together at least five nights a week..so it's a huge adjustment and man am I struggling. I only hope that one day I can say that it's better, and give good advice to people who need it like you all are doing to me now. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:25pm
I know you are right about not being able to change their mind. I stood by for the past 14 months as an ex boyfriend would call and beg....(at least he begged for the first couple of months...then it got a LOT more sporadic and infrequent) and she never would change her mind...if she wouldn't with him, then why should she with me? And why I'd let myself love someone that can't cut strings with an old boyfriend and why I'd put up with that is beyond me....like I said...I guess I chose to ignore the red flags and now I'm paying the price for my ignorance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 6:40pm
The reminders in your home are natural. You have psychological associations with her and the place. A room can remind you of her, an area where you guys hung out, or things you did together. Just keep living there, and make efforts every day to create new memories in your home. Eventually, you will associate these things in your house with something or someone else. It is natural, you will just have to give it time. I would suggest emmersing yourself with work or hobbies to get your mind off her. Never call her again. The first step for you is to accept that you and her will never be together again. You are grieving as if you were grieving for the death of a loved one, so you will be going through the same motions. Feel the emotions and be creative with them (write, for instance), but you will NEVER move on unless you accept that you and her are over - permanently. Once you let go of her, you will find that life will get a bit easier. I hope this helps. I just broke up with my x yesterday, so I know what you are going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 8:17pm
Welcome to the board!! I know that your going through a lot and we're all here to help you through this difficult time. Break-ups are usually painful but even moreso when the other person moves on so quickly. You did good in removing her items from the house...they would only make things worse. I do agree that it will get better in time...but it will probably take longer than days. The best thing you can do is try and stay busy!!! Good luck and remember we're here if you need us!!













Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:41pm
I've decided to see a counselor for some professional help in dealing with the grief emotions I'm feeling. I don't expect a miracle, but maybe some guidance. I will keep you all posted as well and I want to thank everyone here for their advice and encouragement. This is NOT a goodbye from me, as I will be hanging around here and posting....just an update.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:13pm
AloneAgain,

I wish you would change your name, because it won't always be that way. I had my engagement ring and planning a wedding (3 1/2 yrs ago) when my boyfriend decided that me & a life with me wasn't what he really wanted. I remember that night sitting in my dark bedroom crying and trying to talk myself into the fact it wasn't real. It was the next morning that felt even worse.......I felt like I couldn't move. My entire world had been shattered in one night. I felt so sick I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I immediately withdrew, went home and just sulked and waited for him to come back. That lasted about 4 weeks, and it was the most miserable 4 weeks of my life. My mother had to come over and take down all of the pictures and put his belongings in a box for me. We broke up in July and I stayed miserable through August. It was September I finally woke up and MADE myself get up and start fresh. I took a class, I went out with friends more, I really focused on myself and things I always wanted to do. You need to really look deep to things you may have put off the past 15 mos. It took several months for me to get over him, but once I was single and dating again I really missed it when I started dating my new boyfriend. Even though my boyfriend now and I are breaking up, this time around isn't as bad, because I know that there is a love out there that is so much better than the one's we settle for. Keep that in mind, when you finally meet her this heart will seem like nothing. GET BUSY AND DO FOR YOURSELF!!! There will be a time when you can't........enjoy being single. As for the pain you are feeling it will subside with time, just allow yourself 10 mins a day to think about it and be done with it, until you don't need to do that anymore. (within a few weeks) DO NOT CALL HER and put everything away that reminds you of her. You'll see once you start doing for yourself you'll feel better. BEST WISHES........April
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:58am
I know you guys are right....and the counselor even has me working on some "ME" stuff to just get me past it all...last night I made myself go out...even though it was alone..and ended up at a place where we went this time last year and all I could think of was her...I walked around in a ZONE...but I also figured it was good for me to force myself to do it because I can't avoid places we went together forever. Even though it hurt...now the next time I go there, I'll know the last time I was there I was there alone...but last night when I got home, I felt so bad that I could not sleep and really today has been the hardest morning to get out of bed so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:07pm
You know, i'm going through a breakup myself. It has now been 5 months for me (from a 5-yr relationship) and damn, it still hurts!! I know you can't avoid going to the same places as where you went with your ex. You can't even avoid doing some of the same activities. BUT for now, try your best to avoid them, just to make things easier for you right now. The first few weeks are always the hardest and the most "dangerous" since it's easy to stray back to your ex just to ease the pain.

For the next little while, avoidance is the key. Later on, I promise, going to the same places that you went to with your ex won't hurt as much.

It's a good thing you're seeing a counselor. Sometimes it's best to talk to someone who's objective. And posting here helps too (i should know!)

You should really read the posting by milton333 with the heading "for those struggling with no contact" (posted Jul-13). Print it out and read it over and over again. It's good advice when you can't help but feel pain and how to deal. It really helped me deal with controling my impulsive behavior about my ex (ie. like contacting him again).

And you may have already read this article too but in case you haven't:

http://www.fusion101.com/ed/breaking_up.htm

Much luck!