Feeling really hurt
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Feeling really hurt
| Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:46am |
So my ex and I dated for almost 3 1/2 years. We split up a few times during that time but always came back. I guess the big problem is that it never progressed to the point where he could say he loved me. He has a lot of remaining issues from his ex-fiance having an affair and he blames a lot of it on that. We split up for the last time about 3 weeks ago. The big issue now is that he wants to stay good friends. Part of me agrees with that because we've been through so much together and really care about each other. A week ago he started dating a girl from work and tells me he's thinking about taking her on his vacation this weekend. To me this is a HUGE slap in the face because he promised for the past 3 1/2 years that we would take a vacation together but whenever I brought it up actually going he said no. After all that, he's finally taking his vacation and taking someone he's dated for a week. He keeps saying how important I am to him but this is very very hurtful and I feel like if I was that important he wouldn't be doing this. If he does take her I don't think I can do this being friends thing anymore. Is that irrational?

My ex broke up with me, and even after 2 months of being friends, I would get jealous if he went on a date just to lunch!
The problem with breaking up is that you need that period of NO CONTACT to allow yourself to heal and move on. By keeping that person in your life, especially right after the breakup, and as a close friend, you do not give yourself that space to move on.
I would strongly strongly vehemently suggest that you take what you deserve - your NO CONTACT time. Knowing details like what you wrote about will eat you up inside. Do you really want to be there as a friend to him when he returns from that vacation; to sit and look at pictures and hear stories of their oh so fun time together?
Edited 7/13/2004 11:24 am ET ET by malena78
That sounds like a complete nightmare, and it's kind of strange how casual the tone of your post is. I think it would be most appropriate to allow yourself some anger right now. I know, anger is not a positive emotion and you don't want to let it eat you up inside, and it's never right to put ALL the blame on the other person in a relationship. BUT, in order to distance yourself from this situation, I think you'll need to allow yourself some negative emotions about him and the hell he is putting you through. If he's seeing someone new, and showering this new person with all the things he denied you? That is extremely hurtful, and you should not be responding to that hurt by being more understanding/loving with him. You should be upset that he denied you so much in your relationship, and that he is throwing that in your face with this new girl. Just let yourself dwell on that for awhile, think about the bad things about him and the relationship, and it will make you want to stay the hell away from this guy, and it will make you focus on protecting and nurturing yourself. I think so many of us on this board have fallen into the trap of trying to be unendingly sympathetic and understanding of our ex's "issues" and deep problems that they claim are stopping them from loving us. The truth is, the guy is never going to face those issues if he's with you, you are shielding and protecting him from those issues. he is not facing them, because he gets whatever he wants from you.
If a TON of time has passed and you are truly over it, THEN would be the time to MAYBE try to be understanding of him and have some sort of friendship. but not now, you need to step back. I know it's hard when you've been with someone for a long time, but it will hurt you so much more in the long run if you allow yourself to stay close to someone who is hurting you and will continue to hurt you. It doesn't sound like he treated you very well. you deserve someone who will treat you well. please try to remember that. I am doing the same thing right now, stepping back from an ex who wants to be my close friend/confidante since he's got so many emotional problems, even though he has hurt me repeatedly for the past 6 months. i'm feeling a lot better, it's been about a month. it's definitely the way to go, I promise.