should I go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
should I go?
5
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 5:57pm
Maybe I should have phrased that: "please someone remind me why I *shouldn't* go."

My friend just moved into my ex's house and is throwing a housewarming party this saturday. I suspect this party will be huge, my ex's house kind of has a reputation in this small, small town. there are flyers, and this has been in the works for a month or so now. I doubt I would be exaggerating to guess that almost everyone I know or have ever known here will be at the party (i moved back to my hometown last fall, i have a lot of ties here. as does my ex, who also grew up here. they are, for the most part, the same ties, i.e. we know ALL the same people).

So, I probably should not be there for obvious reasons. If any of you have read my previous posts, me + alcohol + ex = BAD BAD BAD!!! Either I will end up getting it on with him (BAD BAD BAD!!) or he will end up getting it on with someone else (BAD BAD BAD!!) or I will end up getting it on with someone else (not quite so bad, but still probably a BAD idea at HIS house, seems like playing games doesn't it?). I guess there's the possibility that none of these things would happen, and I could always just not drink (it's so fun to be the only sober one).

I guess part of me is thinking that since everyone I know or have ever known will be there, I'm going to hear about it anyway if he hooks up with someone. So why not be there myself and have fun, if I'm going to hear about it anyway? (this guy I have a big big crush on is going to be there, I would like to see if anything happens...but no, BAD idea at the ex's house.) And truthfully, it is far more likely that I would hook up with someone than my ex, because a.)the guy-to-girl ratio is almost always skewed WAY in my favor at these parties and b.)I have much better social skills than my ex, though i guess the alcohol factor might negate the significance of that.

However, it is at his house. his turf. And he is always kind of the master of the party at parties at his house, he built the hot tub and sauna that everyone's hanging out in and is making all the drinks, etc etc etc. i always feel more...powerless or something when i'm there, since everything there is HIS and, I don't know it's hard to explain.

Well yeah, talk some sense into me please. I just think I'm going to feel really left out when everyone's talking about this party for the rest of the summer and I do actually kind of want to hook up with that guy I have a crush on, but when I think about it hard it sort of seems like a recipe for disaster. i just need some will power to stay away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
In reply to: starshaped
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:41pm
well in all honesty I think you already answered your own question. I know it sucks being left out...but if the chance stands that things will go bad why put yourself through that. You mention the other guy that you have a crush on...is there any other way to get to know him...outside of the party atmosphere? That way you still get your cake...you just miss the party. If it were me and I was still going to attend I would go light on the booze...if you can. That way you are in control over yourself and you don't do or say anything that you may regret. If you don't think it's going to be a problem with the fact that the party is at your ex's house, that he may hook up with someone else or that you two may hook up...then go. Only if you think you can handle it...but if it is going to set you steps back then whats the point. If you are thinking about not going, why not go away for the weekend....like they say, out of sight out of mind. That way you can still have a great time on your terms. I don't know if any of this makes sense...all I do know is that you have to make the right decision for you...and only you. Goodluck...keep me posted

Kristine
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: starshaped
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:24pm
I don't think you should go...it's at your ex's house and I don't think you're quite 100% over him yet....you'll have other opportunities to hook up with your crush and what good would going if your ex is going to make you feel powerless anyway??













Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: starshaped
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 10:05am
Your in a tough spot definitely, I would be tempted too, to be there, actually I found myself going to the same places each weekend that I knew my ex would be at. ANd how true...alcohol + me + ex = hook up(bad bad bad) THat always happens, which was our entire relationship in a nutshell, anyway... you are right to question going. There is a small chance that things could go well and you'll have a good time, but such a much greater chance for things to go bad. And the next day wondering, was he jealous I was talking to someone, or why did I hook up with him again, or how could he do that w/ her in front of me, just so many possiblities, that really doesn't seem worth it. Take the high road and don't go, he will think your there for him anyway (guyz...so clueless) but make plans for sure. Best of luck, we are all here rooting for you!

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: starshaped
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:05pm
Hmmmmmmm, here's my take on things. Ask yourself this, "when is the last time I attended a party and didn't drink?" I think it is obvious no matter how bad you want to stay away from the bar/keg it just might happen. It isn't worth the risk of ruining things with your crush, something new for your ex to talk about or more heartache. Honestly, I'd pack my things and go to another town etc. That when when people ask where you were you can just say, "I had plans in another town." You can keep it secret and no one really has to know it was you shopping in another town or doing something you have been wanting to do. Watch how fast it will turn from the party of the summer to "what on earth did she do?" Since it will be mysterious. This way you won't be hearing just about all the hooplah at the party and you won't be making any mistakes.

I'm sure you'll take all advice at a distance and really do what you want to do, but I don't think with your past history you should risk it. DO FOR YOU AND YOU ALONE THIS WEEKEND. Put yourself first.

Best wishes and let us know how it goes-

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
In reply to: starshaped
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 6:06pm
Thanks for the replies, it really does help to get feedback on this. Yes, looking at this truthfully, it just seems like it would be a really unhealthy decision to be there, no matter what happened. i mean the ex and i are going to be so aware of each other there (he gets jealous of me too) and i feel like we would both be playing games and god it just sounds so tiring and dysfunctional.

I shouldn't go, and that's a good idea to maybe skip town, though I'm not sure where I would go, on my own? everyone i know will be at the party. i'll think of something.

I'm just going to write down some more of the reasons I want to go, not because I think it's actually a good idea, but because it help to get it out of my head, you know? So, I do seriously have this huge crush. And no, i can't really imagine a way of hooking up w/ him other than a big anonymous party, because we have absolutely nothing in common, he is way younger than me and a badass and not boyfriend material AT ALL, what could we possibly talk about? i really can't imagine going on a *date* with him, he doesn't seem the type to do anything formal like that. he's just really hot and would make a very nice fling, mmm. And I saw him last night (we're on the same bowling league, nerdy i know, small town to reiterate), and our eyes met (sigh...so easy to overdramatize encounters w/ crushes) and we had this little conversation and he said he was going to the party in what i imagined to be a very meaningful way, like "you should be there too." probably just imagined that. whatever. i really think it would be very possible to hook up with this guy at the party, or really, any number of other guys. i am one of VERY few unattached women in this town who isn't devoutly religious, and i usually get hit on a lot at parties, not because i'm so so sexy, but just because i'm one of the few not hanging onto a boyfriend (i never really hung out w/ my ex at parties even when we were together). In a way, it would be much easier for me to hook up with someone at the party than my ex, but then i have all these psychological blocks about it, unlike him. right now, i even feel like it wouldn't be that devastating to me if he hooked up w/ someone else, bcos he is not that attractive to me anymore when i'm in a rational state of mind.

However, that rational state of mind can disappear in an instant, as many of my previous posts have illustrated. This party is not the be-all-and-end-all of everything. there will be others, when i'm more recovered from this breakup. i definitely agree with everything all of you had said, i should take care of myself by not putting myself in a potentially hurtful environment. just had to purge some of my doubts.