WHEN to talk about getting back together

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
WHEN to talk about getting back together
3
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:42pm
My live-in boyfriend of 3 and a half years just broke up about 3 weeks ago. Were both young, only 22, and he felt that he needed to experience life a bit before settling down. Although, I see his point--I dont feel the same. I would of happily settled down with him, but I guess girls mature faster then boys. Hes already seeing another girl (who by the way is everything he DOESNT want in a girl and has a horrible repuation of being a tramp) Anyhow, I miss him like crazy. We still talk every couple days or so and I really want to work things out. He doesnt know what he wants right now. I know 3 weeks is not long and probably too short of a time to begin to talk about working things out but how long do I wait. I know he misses me and still loves me--Im good friends with his sister and she tells me that and so do his friends. Basically Im wondering how long should I wait before I try to talk with him about working things out...I figure at least a month, but maybe longer?? I dont know. I just want to get back together--Id do anything. And when I do talk to him, do I just go to his house, or invite him to dinner or what....I DONT KNOW what to do.

thanks for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:59pm
I'm about your age and know exactly what you are feeling. So he says he wants to experience life. Well then you should be able to do it too. How is it fair for him to be out with other girls getting on with his life while you are just at a stand still waiting for something that may never come back. I know I waited and wasted a few months because I thought he just needed sometime to himself but he started dating a girl like yours and its just not fair for you to stand there and watch. You have to move on with your life and if you are meant to be you will meet up in the future but right now this is not healthy. You also should stop talking to him. That's just going to help keep you holding on longer. Please try to move on with your life find out what you want in life rediscover yourself and what YOU want out of life. You don't have to go out dating because I know I didn't think about that for a long time. Then after a good time of no contact you can see if you truly want to be back in each others lives. 9 times out of 10 you realize you are better off without him. I still care about my ex very much and will never ever forget him or the time we shared but I realize it just wasn't meant to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:48pm
I understand *exactly* how you feel. I mean, I'm going through pretty much the same thing. I'm 22 years old and just got out of a 2 year relationship. We were both very much in love and could both see marriage in the future, but I was his first girlfriend and now he has to see what else is out there... We broke up at the very beginning of April. We didn't talk for about a month and then started talking again in May. Talking to him just killed me. He'd make comments about how he missed me and wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing, and all that would do is make me want him more. After I became severely depressed, we stopped talking again in June. While I feel abandoned and helpless, I know it's for the best. The truth is this... (and I can't believe I'm actually saying this, considering I'm up late tonight fighting the urge to call him)... we deserve more.

I don't mean more then them, because personally I loved my ex very very much. But, we deserve more than this treatment. Please, let him come back to you. Let him show you that he wants you and needs you. I know you miss him and feel like you'll never find anyone to replace him, but if he doesn't feel the same, what's the point? Guys are stupid, and we all know that. They have stupid priorities like making sure they get in bed with enough women, and you running back to him won't change that.

I guess I'm kind of saying this both to you and to remind myself. Like Vivian says in Pretty Woman, "I want the fairy tale." I want a man to sweep my off my feet and to tell me that I'll always be the one. I don't deserve any less, and neither do you. Just remind yourself of that, and in my honest opinion... do try and stop talking to him. It will *kill* at first, but I'm doing ok now and it's been over a month. I still get these terrible pangs in my heart and have the urge to talk to him (and ok I confess, I left a lyric from our song in my away message on instant messenger today and he left the next line in his message... it was kind of our own way of squeezing eachothers hands and telling eachother to hold on without breaking the silence). If for no other reason, don't talk to him so that he can see what he's missing. If he loves you (and if my ex loves me), they'll be so tortured they'll come back...

If you ever need to talk, I would love to commiserate and be sad and pathetic together. My AIM name is raquelita18. Feel free to message me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:15pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry you're going through this...I know it must be tough. But your bf has made his decison and it may not be one you like but you have to accept and respect it. I don't think it's up to you to initiate a talk about getting back together....if he wanted to he would besides that he's already with someone else. I know you think she isn't what he wants but you don't really know that for a fact....he isn't wanting to settle down yet so maybe all he's wanting *IS* sex and this girl with the bad rep might be giving him all that he wants....sex with no real emotion or comitment. I know that's tough to hear but for now I think you should try your best to move on....if he comes back to you great....but you need to be prepared for if he doesn't also. Good luck and keep us posted!!













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