Should I give him one last chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Should I give him one last chance?
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:58pm
My now-ex boyfriend is 31 years old, has an amazing job, financially secure, physically and intellectually-attractive, tons fun to be with, caring, loving and have a lot of values, beliefs and attitudes in common (but still have enough differences not bore each other by being so alike). I thought was my soulmate. I was 24 when I first met him (I'm now 28)….He was my first serious relationship and my first lover and my first in a lot of things….But I think he took me for granted because he could see that I loved him (more than he loves me??). *Five* years ago, I moved from Toronto, Canada to California just to be with him. We couldn't see ourselves conducting a long-distance relationship so someone had to make the move. I didn't have a great job in Toronto, while he has this wonderful career here... I basically uprooted myself (willingly), left family and friends behind, because I thought we had a long-term future together. So I went to grad school here (paying really high international student fees!) mainly so that we can be together. It was tough, lots of hard times, especially since I had to live with him for 2 ½ years (and a few months after I moved here and lived with him he realized he wasn't "ready" for a live-in girlfriend) and I was pretty dependent on him (no car, no friends). But I didn’t ‘mooch’ off of him for too long since I was able to find a job on-campus (the only job I could get since I was here as an international student). We did fight a lot when we lived together sometimes over stupid things but we always patched things up and we still loved each other and enjoyed each other's company. So far, my life has been pretty good...I managed to make my own life here. Within the last 5 years I got my Masters degree, got a good full-time job, have friends of my own and just 2 ½ years ago, I moved into my very own apartment.

But our major issue was one of commitment. Our first big breakup was November 2002. I wanted a commitment – we didn’t have to get engaged right then-and-there but if he can at least say, “ok in the next x months we’re headed that way”…or whatever…. to at least give me some indication that he headed towards a future with me. He couldn’t, so I broke it off. But we ended up getting back together by the following year, March 2003. From March until January of this year things were great – our relationship was at the best it’s ever been -- fewer fights, more “quality time” and we even went to Couples Communication class together (and we were the only couple there who wasn’t engaged or married, so I felt we were preparing ourselves for our future). It also seemed like he changed – he was more patient, caring, loving, understanding and didn’t want so much time apart…… So, being naïve and overly optimistic, I thought to myself, “great!! He’s heading towards commitment!”

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. On Feb 14 (this year), I had to break it off with him. Over the phone. I know, that was pretty harsh and he deserved better. I should have told him face-to-face. But I didn’t want to chicken out and I was hurting so much from what I knew I had to do. We’ve discussed what we needed and wanted from each other and the relationship, months prior to the breakup. He came up with the Feb 14 deadline. I later found out that he arbitrarily came up with that date because he felt pressured and that he wasn’t going to propose on that day…in fact I’m still not sure what the Feb 14 deadline was for -- more discussion?? Anyways, on Valentine’s Day, he wanted us to spend time together, have fun and as he said, “like our first Valentine’s together when we went to Bermuda”. I just couldn’t take it anymore so on that day when he called I told him that it’s over and I couldn’t stay in the relationship with him anymore. I wanted more of a commitment from him (i.e. get engaged) and he had all these issues surrounding marriage (afraid that he’s making a big mistake, afraid that his marriage will end up like his parents who constantly argued and fought in front of him and his sister (and his parents are now separated & will probably get a divorce soon), feels that he might be too immature, etc etc).

Five months have passed since I broke up with him. I thought I was totally over him, even went so far as to start dating within 2 months of the breakup. Bad mistake. I kept talking about him to my dates (I know, a major no-no!) and my relationship with him still haunted me and affected how I interacted and dealt with men. Every guy I went out with I ended up comparing to my ex and they always fell short. I tried to get over my ex, even did the ‘no-contact’ thing since March which is why I thought I was “over him”.

Well, just 2 weeks ago, he sent me this long email telling me he was going through this emotional crisis, telling me that his life had no direction or purpose, he has no long terms plans, if something is not pleasant or fun he just “ignored it” (i.e. he hasn’t done his taxes yet!) and that he has no ‘distractions’ like kids, wife or hobbies. He even apologized for ‘bothering me’ because he said I have my own life to live now and that I was probably doing better than him since I know how to take care of myself and I’m a ‘doer’, but felt he had to email me because I was the only one who could understand him since I knew him best. Stupid me, I jumped at it, immediately emailed him back saying if he needed a friend just call. He did call later that night (the same day as when I sent the email). He mainly did the talking, with me just listening and giving feedback.

Then on 4th of July, I ran into him at a mutual friend’s bbq and seeing him just hit me like a blow to the stomach. We didn’t talk much since there were a lot of people around. All he did was make me greet him with a hug (when he arrived & left). But just that little contact really messed me up… Feels like 1 step forward, 7 steps back for me. Since then, I’ve been crying almost everyday, haven’t been eating or sleeping well, been very cranky and moody, and generally feeling depressed. I’ve signed up at a gym (yesterday was my first day), my best friend & family have been totally supportive and giving me tons of advice, but I don’t know why nothing seems to help!

I feel like I made such a terrible and impulsive mistake when I broke up with him. Maybe if I waited another month or so he might have said “ok, I’m not ready to get engaged but our relationship is headed there” or some other reassurance like that. I actually would’ve been ok with it since I don’t want him proposing under pressure. But, why would he email me telling me his problems if he wasn’t headed towards a reconciliation? Maybe his ego or pride is getting in the way? Should I tell him (or at least hint at it) that I’m open to a reconciliation, provided that he can reassure me that our relationship is headed somewhere permanent? I didn’t break up with him because he was an a**hole or inconsiderate; I still find myself thinking how lucky I was to have found him. My friends and family still adore him and wish it could’ve worked out between us, and they all consider him family (my cousin’s 2 daughters still adore him and always ask me when he’s coming over to visit..which breaks my heart). But should I give him one more chance by laying all my cards on the table?

From a lot of the postings I’ve read it gives the advice I know in my head to be right (but my heart is saying “no, it’s too harsh): no contact with your ex so you can move on; just because he calls/emails you doesn’t mean that anything has changed unless he said so; keep your dignity and walk away and stand up for what you need in your life; you need to be strong; until he’s made a point telling you straight out that he wants to try again, believe that nothing has changed; etc etc. But can I be selfish enough knowing that I was (I am?) his best friend and that by saying ‘no contact’ I’m abandoning him when he needs me most?

Thanks for letting me get this all out…

Hurting,

Lily




Edited 7/13/2004 8:00 pm ET ET by caligrrl3301