I NEED TO GET HIM BACK!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I NEED TO GET HIM BACK!!
2
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 12:48am
I know what everyone says, but I need to get my boyfriend back. I KNOW that he ended it because he felt pressure to move to chicago to be with me and to leave his family and friends and become "an adult" and to marry me...and he just graduated college. I want him to see that he doesn't have to and he doesn't have to feel pressure...i am here for him and we will work things out... he never should have felt the pressure..he came here for interviews and took a job all on his own.

I want him back..i don't care what games i have to play...does anyone have any advice on how to get a guy to wake up and come back?

i am desperate, sad, lonely and miserable without him...

amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:11am
OK, if he is aware of how "desperate, sad, lonely and miserable" you are without him, you are undoubtedly making him feel VERY PRESSURED. If he is aware that you will do "anything" to get him back, he is feeling VERY PRESSURED.

You need to let him go. You need to do your own thing, you need to focus on yourself, not him. If you need to think that doing all this is a game to get him back, do so, if it helps you. Because it is probably the only thing that is going to make him feel like he can be with you while still being himself. It is not just the external commitments (marriage, growing up) that he is afraid of, i am willing to guess. he is probably freaked out by how dependent you are on each other. if he sees that you are happy and functional on your own, he is not going to feel anymore that he is the crux of your emotional stability. it is a lot of pressure to feel like someone needs you that completely.

This is not to say that doing your own thing, letting him go for at time, is a guarantee that he will come back to you. i would just be willing to bet that that is the ONLY way it would happen, if it's going to happen. When people get freaked out in a relationship (and i have been on both sides of this equation, the one who's freaking out, and the one whose parter is freaking out) it's just never going to work out if the same patterns are continued, if one or both of you are clinging to the relationship as it is. I think that the only way a lasting relationship can be rekindled in these situations is if you have time apart to live as independent people, and then MAYBE start all over again, from scratch.

The more desperately you cling to him, the more trapped and pressured he is going to feel. good luck, i know this hurts, i'm going through it too. when i finally made the huge leap of faith to let go of my conflicted ex, though, the pain changed. it is much more manageable now. i am in control of myself and my happiness, i don't feel that panicked desperation anymore. And like I said, if at first you need to think of this letting go as a ploy to make your ex want to come back to you, do so. I think I subconsciously have been thinking of it that way myself, because my ex is so much more into me now that I won't talk to him! But I think (hope!) with time, the game playing mentality morphs into a genuine stability and happiness with yourself without him. good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:04pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry to hear about your break-up but I don't think you should attempt to win him back or manipulate him. He made a choice to end things....he had his reasons and only he can change his mind. Any attempt you make to change it for him is only going to make things worse. My suggestion is to try and stay busy and move on with your life the best you can. I know it's hard and I've been to that desperate place you are right now.....willing to do anything to have him back....but it does pass and things will get better. Good luck and post whenever you need to.













Photobucket