*Need Advice... On Breaking Up....*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
*Need Advice... On Breaking Up....*
3
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 12:55am
Sorry to bug you guys with this, i just really need to vent and any imput you guys have would be really appreciated! :

Ive been with my boyfriend about 8 months now and things havent been the same lately....A few days ago i brought this up and he decided we should go on a "break". He says he thinks its the best idea so our relationship doesnt go bad, and so we wont break up altogether. He said he cares for me a lot but he needs some time to miss me, and that it seems he sees me more than anyone else. I know hes busy with school, work, and everything else but still i only see him about 4 days a week! Its not like we are together everyday! We do talk on the phone a couple times a day however. So i asked him if he wanted me to see other people during this break, and he told me if it makes me happy then yes. But he has no intentions of going and finding someone else, he just needs space right now. He said he still wants us to call eachother during our time off and i told him i dont feel comfortable with it, and he said dont do this dont act like this, and he asked me if i was happy, and i said lately not as much , i told him i really couldnt talk to him right now and the last thing he said before i hung up is "ill call you".

Now ill admit in all my relationships ive never been on a "break". To me this is like breaking up is it not? I love him so much but i know i deserve to be with someone who wants me, and as much as i would like to be with him, im afraid he wont miss me because of the simple fact he even needed a break. Im really heartbroken right now but im thinking maybe i should call him -when im ready to do so- and tell him that as much as i care for him we need to actually put an end to our relationship and i hope we can still be friends....

Is this the right thing to do? Will it be a little easier for me to get over him if i suck it up and just break it off altogether? Does he already have someone else? Did he ever really care? I have so many questions and i know you guys cant answer them all, but from listening to my situation can someone please give me some input?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:35am
Feelnlucky,

You sound confused and that's the worst feeling in the world. I feel for you and I know how it is to be confused.......it stinks. If you ever watched Friends and watched Ross and Rachel go back and forth about their "break," it may confuse you even more! :-) There is a difference between break and break-up. A break is just some time apart to "cool it" and to work on yourself while you are apart. A break up is, "see you later, have a nice life." (in some many words) Obviously he feels like things haven't been the same lately and it may have been so heavily on his mind what he should do about it. He sounds reasonable and he obviously still cares or he would have broken up with you all together. Trust me you'd much rather be experiencing this now than 2 years down the road. He may just need to work on himself a bit and having a relationship right now isn't helping him. (not any offense to you, he just needs "him" time) He may feel like he is cutting you short by trying to figure out what's going on with him up in his head.

Now.........what you need to do. You need to leave him alone completely. Don't call him or come around, this may aggrevate him and a break up may occur. He deserves to work on himself and have a clear image of what he wants. Everyone deserves that. You just need to spend time working on yourself also. Do some things you have been putting off in the last 8 mos. A book you wanted to read, redecorate your room, paint a picture, see some old friends etc. Think about your wants and needs right now. Just be kind and understanding if he calls and let him know you are here for him anytime, but don't do the "reaching out" to him. He'll realize what a kind and undersanding person you are. You want him to have a clear head about things or in the long run his confusion will hurt you and the relationship even more.

If he doesn't hear from you and you sound busy working on yourself you sound mysterious and he'll wonder what you are up to. Just keep a kind spirit and be understanding towards him it really sounds like that's what he needs.

BEST WISHES (IT WILL WORK OUT)

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 12:55pm
Hi,

I agree that yes, you should focus on you, and doing your own thing. And you should be cautious about this guy. Taking a break can be healthy, and if you both handle it well, perhaps a much stronger relationship will emerge. Alternately, you can get stuck in this "taking a break"/"needing space" scenario indefinitely, which isn't fun. I would enjoy your break, be friendly with this guy, but not overly so (i.e. don't change your plans to spend an evening w/ him or something). But I would set some sort of time limit on it, a couple months, 6 months, whatever you and he feel comfortable with. if he doesn't want to put a limit on it, i would put a limit on it just for you, in your head. if at that point he still isn't ready to be with you for real, i would let him know that he can call you if he ever is ready, and maybe you'll be there for him and maybe you won't. the point is, don't ever get caught in a pattern where you are sort of with him but not really for months and months and months and he is whining to you about all his problems that are keeping him from being with you and you are scratching his back and saying nice things and then you wake up and realize a year has gone by like this and it's probably never going to progress from there. (a little bit of personal bitterness there, sorry, your guy sounds pretty reasonable from what you've said.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:42pm
Welcome to the board.

I've never been on a break either but I'm sure I'd feel the same as you do that it might as well be a break-up....most of the people I see that go on a break are just prolonging the break-up....kind of like a test drive of what it would be like to end the relationship. That may not be what your bf has in mind but that's what it always sounds like to me. I think you need to do what is best for you and if ending the relationship altogether is what you feel is bes...then do it. I doubt he has someone else lined up already because if he did....he probably would of broken up altogether and I'm sure he cares. It sounds like both of you are confused and you need to figure out what's best for you and then do it. Good luck and keep us posted.














Photobucket