did you feel envy towards your ex???
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| Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:58am |
is it normal to feel envy after bieng dumped???
did you feel less attractive as a person than your ex, feeling that it would be easier for him/her to attract a better looking partner than you could yourself?
if your ex had a better job than you, more money....did it annoy you?
if they lived in a better area, country than you?
better future or opportunities in life?
more to offer a future partner?
if they were in better physical shape than you?
if they were younger, did you feel a bit jealous?
i know this all sounds superficial, but these are some of the things im going through right now.
normally i never feel envy of towards anyone. i feel angry with myself for feeling this way.
is it cause ive got no self esteem and feeling sorry for myself?
anyone else felt this way???
tracy xx

I really did. And it was irrational and I was very aware that I was feeling it and why I was feeling it but nevertheless, I felt it.
Not about looks though - My ex is not very good looking, he's kind of weird ("odd") and awkward. He does attract women though, I think it is b'c he has large dark brown eyes piercing gaze. Normally, you can interpret a person's lingering stare with large dark pupils into your eyes as a sign of attraction - but what strangers don't realise is that his pupils are not large, (just dark eyes) and he is a social retard and stares into everyone's eyes like that b'c he is just weird (he is checking to see if they believe him, or if they are lying etc - he has a mental illness re. paranoia I'm not joking about that part). So he really has more of a serial killer vibe than a romeo vibe but some people who have just met him may misinterpret and think he's into them and then they reciprocate b'c their egos are being fed. Then they learn the truth. This has happened with him with a few MEN as well! (hahahahahahaha) you can imagine his alarm.
I did feel jealous as hell though that he was doing his grad field work in Thailand. Of course, he's always depressed and hates everyone and everything so he didn't have fun, he was miserable. I was there for a while on holiday and I learned later that after I left, he spent 5 weeks in Cambodia. I was jealous of that. All he takes from the experience is that he was sick and miserable. Also, he was studying in grad school while I made the choice to work for a while but it was a very difficult choice b'c I love academia too and was very torn between teh choices. He hated grad school of course for a million reasons. I was also jealous of what he was studying as I will choose soemthing else if I go to grad school but I do love what he studies too. But I can't study everything!
Then he worked in Sweden - (he hated it) he next may go to Nairobi (he already knows he'll hate it). I don't travel much and I won't move to another country at this time as my cats are 13 years old and I won't put them through the stress of a flight and big move. So these are choices I'm happy with, but when we broke up, I was so envious of his life even though I love my own life! I have a great life. But I envy his life as well. i Iwas doing what he was doing, I'd be envious of what I'm doing now. So I made the best choice but all the same...
I didnt' tell him I was jealous, I actually refused to speak to him for 8 months. but all that time, I was sooo jealous and ANGRY jealous. Like, "ow dare he be in Cambodia AND not date me? I'll kill him!"totally irrational) _ I felt very controlling emotions after we broke up too, like wanting to beat him up for not doing what I want him to do. He doesn't know that either but I wondered if that was the feeling abusive men get who kill their exes for breaking up with them.
I was jealous as he**. I was very aware that emotion was there, just adding one more complex feeling to the break-up emotions.
Cheyenne.
Suddenly his life was 'better'...
1. He was able to act like the breakup didn't affect him as much.
2. He had friends that wanted to go out and party where he could meet people
3. His friends were going to try to hook him up
4. He cared more about his friends now than he did me
5. He looked better than I do
6. He was in better shape than I am
7. His job was better than mine
Of course, all of this is completely UNTRUE. Once I recognized my irrational thinking and put it away, I didn't have those jealousies anymore. It's funny how they can overtake you.
I envied him his ability to just lie about what happened. I know that he told some of our friends that it was mutual, because "we weren't meant to be," and told others that he left me because I had cheated on him. Given that I left him after two years because he wasn't supportive when I had cancer, I find I am often at a loss to explain why it ended when people ask, and I can't find a convenient lie as easily as he apparently can.
I envied him his stubbornness, his complete refusal to speak with me or otherwise communicate for three months, even though I had cancer when I left, even though he broke my heart and betrayed my trust, even though we'd been shopping for an engagement ring together. I envied him because I know how hard I struggled against communicating with him (and didn't completely succeed). I envied him because he was the great love of my life, and apparently I was expendable, not worth a fight or even an instant message.
I envied him the "strength of his convictions," if you will, for never second-guessing himself or admitting the possibility that he was wrong. Even though I know that I did what I had to do in ending it, I was wracked with doubt, guilt, and second thoughts. I envied him the ability to see himself as a blameless victim and better off without me, I still can't really do the same. I envied him his black & white world where he believed totally that he was the good guy. I envied his martyr complex and his cluelessness, my seemingly endless capacity to forgive and rationalize people's behavior never let me see him as all bad and good riddance and always made me doubt myself. I envy his lack of depth and complexity.
I envied him his memories and experiences in the relationship of being loved unconditionally, supported emotionally, cherished and cared for and desired. Because my memories and experiences were all too often about his needs, his feelings, his demands, and I can't really pull together much of a slideshow of happy moments that he created for me, because there weren't many. I envy that he got more from the relationship than I did.
I envy him his total ignorance of my medical procedures, fears, and pain. I wish I could have just opted out of that whole frightening episode and wish that I didn't have to continue to worry that I'll redevelop cancer or be unable to have children. It must have been nice for him to think about himself and his needs and never have to enter some antiseptic-smelling room or hold my hand while I cried.
I envy him that his life was largely undisturbed. Because we were planning to move in together and I'd already given notice on my lease, I had to find someplace new to live, pack, etc. I had to overhaul my life, he coasted along as before.
I resented that I had to "pay" for his mistakes. That his insensitivity and lack of support meant that I had to start over, to give up my hopes and dreams for our life together, to get back into "dating" at 29, divorced, with cancer (at the time). I envied him that he was 30 and a mama's boy, but probably still a "catch" because he's a lawyer with a largely uncomplicated life and his own house.
I envied that he was so self-centered, that he wasn't pulled in a dozen directions, with friends, family, work, pets, community activities. I envied that he just put himself first, last, and center, and didn't extend himself to others, that he never had all these ties and obligations that make my life both rewarding and a constant tug of war. I envied that he really had no hobbies, no committees, no close friends, no one he had to go out and act normal around, no one to put on a show for, no one who demanded he not stay in bed crying.
I envied that his mother comforted him and patted him on the back and told him he was fabulous and he'd meet someone who deserved him, while my parents were deeply disappointed that I'd "lost another one," and kept pestering me about ending up childless and alone, a spinster.
I envy his antipathy to poetry or literature, because he was never haunted by lines of poetry that brought him to tears. I envy that it never entered his head to read or write poetry about his feelings for me.
I envied him that the only music he listened to was angry punk rock, so he was never going to hear "our song" on the radio and pull over in tears, or realize that every single pop song is about breaking up.
I envied him for being a man, because knowing some of my sisters out there, it's just a matter of time before someone comes along to rationalize his flaws, put up with his crap, give and give to him without complaint or demand, and "make it work" while he sits back and takes it as his due.
But, I guess I recognized, ultimately, that I don't envy him. I feel sad and sorry for him, I still (unhappily) love and sometimes yearn for him, but I do not envy him.
2. At times and most especially when I was feeling so down on myself.
3. My ex had a job, and I did not. It not only annoyed me, but it really ticked me off cause I moved out of the country to be with him (had to go to school to study the language before I could even think about getting a job) and I moved back to the U.S with nothing but my clothes. He had a job, a place to live and a car. I ended up having to live with my mom.
4. No regrets there, I know he lives in a worse place and I am exactly where I want to be.
5. I had/have better opportunities in life. I am also more educated and have a much better paying job.
6. In one perspective I think he would have "more to offer" in that he can just brush off the relationship we had and not let it affect him. However, I know what a controlling freakish jerk he is and all his other "dirty little secrets" and problems, plus I know I pale in comparison to them.
7. We were in the same shape and he was even trying to make me fatter so I would be less attractive to other men.
8. I was the younger one by 2 years.
Low self-estteem plays a big role in all of this along with vulnerability and the constant analysis of the broken relationship, such as "what did I do wrong or what went wrong?"
Sure, I felt sorry for myself. It is emotionally bruising. You feel pain and hurt. I beat myself up because I felt that I failed, but I picked my sorry butt up off the floor when I finally realized and it got through to me that a relationship is a two way street. I was doing most if not all the giving and he was doing all the taking. I didn't fail, I did my best and gave it 100%. It didn't work, and you move on. It's not easy as you are experiencing, it takes time and a lot of self-realization. Also it helped me to realize that I am not lacking or "less than" because I don't have a boyfriend. I had seriously low self-esteem because of it. I even went through a period where I felt that I was not attractive and would never find anyone who would think that I was. I would sit for days and cry my eyes out in my sweats and not get up and dress myself or even go outside. I didn't want to face the world and I didn't eat either. I had to find a reason to get up every day and that helped, but what pulled me out was adopting my bunnies. They used to be the only reason for a long time I got up and fixed myself up. I felt needed by them and most importantly, loved. It is a tender spot to be in when a relationship has broken, but you find the motivation that makes your life mean more and happiness is your goal. Good luck and take care.
Edited 7/14/2004 8:16 pm ET ET by garlandfairy
I've personally never felt envy of my ex after being dumped just anger and hurt but different people feel different things and react different ways...I don't think what your feeling is uncommon just different from me.
2. Well we live in the same area so that one doesn't count. I don't think it would matter to me I mean I'm going to find some place I feel comfortable and can make a good life for myself.
3. Well mine doesn't have a better future. He's got lots of issues that he ruined a lot of things with. He may make something of himself but he will never live up to the potential that he could and so I don't envy him for that reason.
4. Well he is already with a future partner and thats what makes me envy him. I don't really want one but I get the urges you know and so its like ugh its not fair he just has someone he can cuddle with or whatever. But I know its a rebound thing and they are just going to come crashing down eventually just like he did with me.
5. WEll hes not. We were both overweight and I think he wanted me to be to make him feel better or something. I don't think he has done anything to get rid of it. I sure have I have lost like 30 pounds and feel great!
6. I didn't feel jealous at all that he was younger. He was less than a year younger but im young so it make a bit of difference. It bothered him some but never me because I thought he was mature for his age. boy was I wrong.
Ugh the thing that bothers me the most is that he able to hide his feelings so well. Make people beleive all is ok with him and im so envious that hes a coward and doesn't give a flip about talking to me. I don't understand how its so easy for him not to talk to me, but maybe its not I don't know. I think we all have our struggles through this time and we will eventually get through them. Good Luck!